Uneventful Yet Lovely

my birthday was rather uneventful. mostly self realized. yet lovely.  the right people made the right gestures. as did some folks I never hear from. which I think is rather nice.

i asked for things i wouldn’t normally buy for myself, and got a few of them. enough to feel an indulgence. all in all. it was a very nice day. i got myself a piece of mocha chocolate cake that had me moaning – that’s the purpose of a good piece of cake. yes? . i was gifted a volume of onions and garlic that had me decide to make myself a french onion soup. good bread, cheese and wine must accompany. I got a local cheese and bread. I wish i could do that more often. Buy from food artisans. Alas. Not on my budget.

I invited a few to share in this bday meal with me, but after the third no. I gave up. Not because folks have other plans on a week night. More so. I didn’t feel like the kerplunk of another no was very celebratory.

a few birthday wishes from here found me. thank you for that.

there was the good company of my cat.

some of you don’t really give a shit about my cat.

but that’s your problem.

she’s been a source of a lot of laughter for me

and more cuddles than i’ve known from a human in some time.

she smells good and vibrates.

i am tired.

sometimes that tired

takes me to numb.

 

A Year Older And Wiser

i am a year older today.

someone complimented something that i wrote earlier today. i wrote about how it was 4 years ago that i moved. my 3200 mile solo quest elsewhere. i remember how i just went for this idea. trusting somehow that i would make it.

this person said ….

“you have such a hold on who you are ….you must know yourself well.”

perhaps 59 is more of a gift than I know.

took myself and a photography friend on an autumn country road trek yesterday

and i got myself a very unusual and very pretty oval blue and white platter.

i asked for things linen.

sheets have holes in them

towels are frayed.

not sure any of that will happen

it’s going to be a tough week.

i did not meet my work quota. gulp.

while i am allowed a grace month

its the only one for this year

i still take a kick in the teeth income wise

i have a lot of ick on my schedule.

including a medical procedure.

weather looks awful.

it’s going to be a long month ahead.

maybe i’ll get myself a piece of cake.

took this the other day

i love it.

laundry did not get done

and i didn’t make the bed either

hate the way a bed looks when it’s occupied solo.

its so. one sided.

but look. that’s me, my hair is flying and the shadows are cool

and i am NUDE

 

 

Classic And Blurry

I spent the weekend in the blur of some technique research.

that rabbit hole thing that is know as “google it.”

yesterday i noticed there was some rare traffic at my blog from over the weekend.

thank you, thank you very much for being here with me. 

if you ever feel like letting me know you are around. I’d value that too!!

it’s nice to know who you are

YEARS ago I was a scrapbooker. A nice way to memorialize family photos. I completed 15 albums.  I dismantled a life time of photographs that had been in basic albums from the drug store.  Very organized. I super regret doing that now. The dismantling all part.  They are not all in a row any longer. If you think of a life time of photographs. printed, the old fashioned film sort. it’s a task to have them available to view. a monumental task. then digital happened. and it got confusing.

I disliked the digital album making immensely.

what i disliked about scrapbooking is that it was a huge consumer driven model of making. buy. buy. buy. the more one got involved the more one could buy. there were folks who turned entire rooms into making spaces for this expression. the volume of made in china supplies were stored in custom designed closets. or in plastic bins with cute matchy matchy tags. I found this all rather horrifying. upsetting actually.  I didn’t realize then that those who knit, or batik, or quilt or whatever craft they got themselves into were equally devoted to having all the stuff. so much stuff. so many tools. so much purchasing. a hoarding of sorts.

i also disliked how conforming the making could be. perhaps it was by design to have all who participate be successful at it. i sortof get that. it’s just that everyone’s scrapbook essentially looked the same. cookie cutter.

perhaps you get by now that i am the least conforming person on the planet. my personal mission back then was to spend as little money as possible. and to have my pages look different then others. Scrapbooking was my beginnings in learning to crop photography. I got very good at it. AND my pages did look quite unique.

you then get into the very very fine lines of making that is craft. vs making that is art.

THAT was the rabbit hole I found myself in over the weekend. the crafters.

in my drawer i had three bottles of alcohol inks. someone gave them to me. she said, you will love these. back then there wasn’t the google monster to get lost in with tutorials. (speaking of — those crafter people all have fancy ways of videotaping themselves making. when did that happen??? Its like being on a different planet ) after watching a few – the very very last thing i want to do is master this medium. who knew. or many other from the craft store buy me now supply.

I could actually expound on this topic a lot further.

but i won’t.

my point is i took a break from how i normally do weekend to do some research.

i did find quite a bit of helpful or idea inspiration.

i just have to find my own way with those now.

Something also occurred to me.

like knocked me over the head actually.

this blog has always been image sharing from yesterdays images.

it’s hard to explain.

right now it’s the month of june.

i normally would search images from june of 2018 for here. ( a year gone by )

and share imagery from june 2017 for flickr.

I’d  use those images to tell stories.

either stories of current thoughts

or stories prompted by those images.

i stopped doing that in 2019.

I have gone done memory lane image wise occasionally

but not by process for most posts.

i hope you get what i mean.

ALL that said

posting in real time

parallel to my day to day struggles

has left me with a feeling of vulnerability.

a very very different exposure

I have been trying to understand how raw it’s felt lately to be here.

it’s because of the way I am sharing.

is this a good idea or not??

I am not sure.

I think the experiment is worth continuing

i just wondered what you feel you’ve been part of lately.

is the tone different for you too??

( the bathroom has a pocket door. it and above my bed are the only blank wall or such space in my city studio. i try and capture with as little things of my life distraction as possible but when you live so small. under 300 square feet – it’s hard to do that. i had not thought to use this door as a space for a backround until now. i will have to see when the light actually gets over there. )

 

Surreal

i spiraled. i admit it. i got very lost in self pity and the trouble i have found myself in. i had days go by that i am not sure how i got through them. i mean it. days. i have spent hours researching my rights with an attorney, i’ve had a virus on my mac, i have looked at places to live that included cockroach infestation and hoarding unlike anything i have ever seen. frightening. and mortifying. i have packed my things with nowhere to go. i am finding mice nests in my belongings. boxes that had been stored in my closet. i trapped my 38th mouse. i have had people send me gas money – enough to make that part of my life no longer feel like a worry – a tremendous help and relief, and people are buying my art, many are sending me love and encouragement. that is so darn cool.

one of the biggest no – no’s as a blogger is to whine about not posting. true – it’s been awhile, and i get emails that ask “where are you – i miss your postings.” which i have to tell you is a very gentle wonderful reminder of why i am here in the first place – because of you.

thank you.

there is this man that walks along the highway here. he and his german shepard. i keep asking the universe if this is some test or something – i mean really, why on this highway, why where i travel on a regular basis – what am i supposed to glean from seeing them  — they are such a reminder of me cowboy and his dog.

when we lived together – he had less time for me. how is that even possible???

i find this photograph really says it all.

surreal

What If I Bend Over And Play

the trick at the cave, much like here in the country studio, is finding the light at the right time and making use of it visually.

how do i look here in this doorway.

or over here on this part of the couch

what if i bend over and

play.

another trick is keeping superfluous shit out of the pic. sortof like bathroom selfies …i personally don’t want to see the toilet or the deoderant you use. geeesh. do you?

these of course had no natural light…because it was the cave. duh.  my country studio has windows but they face north and south and light seems different here. when the son rose at my little house? it would fill the east side of my home with rays of light.  not finding that here. not exactly anyway. i adore the darks in these.

an intense day today in these parts.

intense in degrees lately.

i have moments when i feel like i am living and perhaps even alive. vibrant, vital, valuable.

happy. relaxed. looking forward to something.

they are moments.

mostly, i am still eeking myself through my day

panic is the word that struck me today.

sheer panic.

like how is this all going to actually work.

killed a third mouse last night.

this time i didn’t even hear the trap

how sick is that. i slept through it’s death

when i kill them. i wrap them in newspaper and freeze them.

if i said that already. just ignore me.

need more traps.

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Tuesday Gone By

tuesday has now passed.

that one where i requested to speak on a sunday.

the request after 6 full days of silence had gone by.

the request where mr cowboy replied “maybe on tuesday”

the answer i felt was quotable.

he came to the talk table with these comments:

i have nothing to say

i offer no apology

he then shared he has nothing but indifference about our situation

in short he said he just no longer cares.

are we done yet?

hmmm.

not much to work with there.

that said.

i made a very big life shift decision last week.

i am going to move 2000 miles from here.

a vacation a decade ago

inspired the idea

a friend I met there will be a connector.

i will know noone there

and so,

out of nothing

and,

as soon as i possible can

i have to raise the funds to make that happen.

like a lot of funds.

when someone you know loses someone.

someone they cared about.

do you tell them to snap out of it?

like get a grip?

i hope not

because loss has a process.

i respect and embrace that process

i am not one to pretend that everything is “fine” for appearance sake.

because what is happening here is not fine.

please be compassionate.

yes. donations are very welcome.

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