A Year Older And Wiser

i am a year older today.

someone complimented something that i wrote earlier today. i wrote about how it was 4 years ago that i moved. my 3200 mile solo quest elsewhere. i remember how i just went for this idea. trusting somehow that i would make it.

this person said ….

“you have such a hold on who you are ….you must know yourself well.”

perhaps 59 is more of a gift than I know.

took myself and a photography friend on an autumn country road trek yesterday

and i got myself a very unusual and very pretty oval blue and white platter.

i asked for things linen.

sheets have holes in them

towels are frayed.

not sure any of that will happen

it’s going to be a tough week.

i did not meet my work quota. gulp.

while i am allowed a grace month

its the only one for this year

i still take a kick in the teeth income wise

i have a lot of ick on my schedule.

including a medical procedure.

weather looks awful.

it’s going to be a long month ahead.

maybe i’ll get myself a piece of cake.

took this the other day

i love it.

laundry did not get done

and i didn’t make the bed either

hate the way a bed looks when it’s occupied solo.

its so. one sided.

but look. that’s me, my hair is flying and the shadows are cool

and i am NUDE

 

 

The Fine Lines Of Fandom

i just took the best vacation.

i had no idea how much i needed it.

seriously.

i got to a place of nothing

a zone of relax

a chill to the ninth degree.

i stretched it out as long as I possibly could.

i got to the i deserve this place too.

which felt grand.

BUT

today is my first day back to reality.

my writing this afternoon.

is a space/place away from the to-do list

which is rather long.

but long in a good way.

like due course long.

i am beginning to realize how i craft my life.

and how great it can be,

when i craft things with what’s best for me in mind.

not trying to be preachy

i just feel some clarity.

perhaps that’s what vacations provide.

my son, an avid cyclist said recently, just because someone rides a bike doesn’t mean we are friends.  it does mean that we have something in common. and that’s a great place to start. I liked that perspective

i say to new people in my life/life. my real life.  I am happy to try someone on. i love meeting new people. However I am going to be quick to acknowledge that if it isn’t a good fit. I will probably move on. i have way too little emotional energy to be with something that isn’t working for me. i also tell them it’s me defining the fine lines. that it’s often not them. i am complicated. and still rather fragile. i know of some people who want to be closer to me. I can’t do that any longer with just anyone

as fleeting, ghosting, judging and stupid as people can be. or have been. i gotta say figure out the fine lines

there ARE the good ones. true to self folks shine. i want and need shiny. i want light. i want effortless. and when i am around effortless. it’s a breath of fresh air

i say all of this because over the last few months now over a handful of you  have shared an opinion. this opinion sharing feels like the crossing of a very fine line.

I went with the first commentary. i let it roll off my emotional shoulder

i did not feel judged.

i heard the thought.

i let it go

but then another shared their thoughts, and another, and another

and now …i feel a tad bombarded by unwanted opinions.

the opinion is about the hair on my face.

you are all entitled to your thoughts about the topic

i also get that i am in an open public place about it

a virtual space

but realize this.  if i am a person now with hair on her face.

this is who i am. it’s sortof not negotiable.

it’s like if a man goes bald.

he’s now bald.

i bet that it is highly unlikely that there is a single woman in your immediate circle of influence who has a face like mine. how much do you want to bet?

and if there is, i applaud that woman. and I applaud you. especially  if you intermingle socially with that person, and/ or if you share her with your other spheres of …people.

ya see, it’s one thing to know me, to say way to go lady, to think that it takes such courage to be me. but more often than not, i am not going to be included at family dinner.

this is happening folks. this is my reality.

this is the way it is for me.

so….get with the program

for some

this face of mine

is embarrassing.

when a man that you know goes bald do you tell that dude

i don’t like your shiny head?

do you say yeah your baldness isn’t doing it for me.

because some are saying that.

about my face.

it’s fucking rude when you get right down to it.

i get opinions

i get opinionated

i get having a point  of view

i get free speech

i also get grace.

have some grace for fuck sake

have some empathy

try my circumstance on sometime and see how it FEELS.

are you on my shit list because you shared this opinion of yours?

NO.

it does make me wonder what you were thinking.

outside of your distaste for the appearance of my face and all.

it certainly does not attract me to you

it does not have me trust the nature of our communications as nurturing, compassionate, kind and supportive.

perhaps some thoughts are better left unsaid.

the reality of all of this is many of us have known each other a very long time

a decade long time

you and i hanging out in real life??

highly unlikely.

so i am i am never going to embarrass you.

put your vote so to speak where it matters.

onto other things….

in my fantasies – i meet a nice guy who loves to cycle casually on sunday. he realizes that i cANt navigate a bike on my own. so he invests in one of these. as corny as a bicycle built for two is,  i adore the old fashioned sentiment. i like the idea of doing together in a way that works …considering all involved.

this gem of a bike was at a place i was featured at… as an artist. i sold some art and gabbed with people who felt curious about me and my work. very low ebb of an afternoon but lovely.

the memory of an old schwinn takes me to many places. i’ve had 3. only one had the glitter hand grips. she was a buttery brown.

i feel too vulnerable to ride a bike now.

i am not a pig tail gal. more of a braids person. on this day though i was lazy. i love the part in back because there is only a very small moment of the dark hair left that use to be my signature. the rest is silvered or turned of all things rather white. i love the contrast

i call these two shots pig tails and jasmine rice. it was a daily, making rice, kitchen cabinet door left  open ( i do that. a lot ) moment. plus it’s not a bad shot of that tatt of mine.

perhaps i should feel apologetic about the beginning of this post.

like maybe my thoughts are not what you want to hear

but I don’t feel sorry.

i feel truthful

perhaps that’s where some of you were coming from too.

 

 

 

 

Summer 2010

i am sure i revisited this story here before.

but what the heck.

lets do it again

i was about to turn 50.

just think, next year

i will turn 60.

ugh.

what a thing the beginning of all of this anonymously nude was.

i had won some money and bought a camera

a good

power shot canon

$500.

I had been in my home a year.

i had pulled that house purchase out my ass.

i had NO business owning a home.

getting one,  was the game to play at that time.

a miracle of sorts.

happened fast.

really really fast.

my nest was became empty

i didn’t quite get that.

now that i think about it

the beginning of alone really.

alone all started then.

someone had given me this wobbly mini tripod

it had a leg that wouldn’t stay extended properly

i was playing with light in the bathroom and looking in a mirror

the camera in full zoom

fell REALLY hard to the floor.

the entirety of the erect lens was cracked.

it looked like a lopsided wedding cake

i was beside myself

these were some of the last shots from that day.

i love the lily capture.

my house had a very strong west exposure much like my city studio does now

the first black and white shot was 2 months later – it is one of the very first shots taken with the camera mr detroit picked out for me. the infamous canon s90. the camera that made me look like a photographer rock star

there was a lot of gifting that occurred at that time looking back.

those painted toes were a gift.

those were panty gifting times too.

so much is of course so different now.

one would expect that after all this time gone by.

older.

alone still.

i can’t really get myself into a bra anymore

i guess in terms of a belly. it’s always been there. just less of one.

there is more of me all over.

my pussy hair. thinner, less of it seemingly. silver. its more course. less silky.

do i even have that line of hair anymore from my belly button??

my daughter has that stool now

it was always hers.

i borrowed it.

such a spiral how it all played out.

what might i be photographing today should i still be living in the same space?

with that light??

what would my life be like?


 

Loss And Grief

someone i know died this week.

she was old.

her life was full, rich with a very loving family

and she was a real character.

i met her after she had a stroke.

in working with her, she sometimes couldn’t get her words out.

she’d then look at me, and sputter an emphatic

“fuck”.

or “shit”.

and then, we would both laugh.

those are my favorite memories of her.

i feel so grateful for that.

when my second marriage ended

i spiraled.

looking back, i’d say it was a time of tremendous despair.

even parallel to the anxiousness or anxiety i am dealing with now

at the time i labeled it as grief

loss.

i was feeling a deep loss of this thing known as marriage. i had fallen hard for him and he betrayed me at so many levels that it’s hard to even write about.

this feeling rendered me incoherent for about 5 month’s. i cried all the time. i cocooned myself in writing and home, i avoided. it was especially a challenge when i ran into or had to work with those that knew us as a couple.

we were a real pair about town, and for some, it was a surprise that we were no more

this woman who just died was one of those people.

she called me for advice and help

and i could barely speak with her as my sadness took over.

i was embarrassed. mortified. how could i fail in yet another marriage

28 years given to these two men.

and all that was left of me was a puddle of tears.

during that call she told me

how much strength and patience I give to her.

she told me to cry all i wanted.

it was good to cry.

i needed to hear that at the time.

in thinking about this mom stuff

perhaps the rewind this week

is a sadness of sorts

a  loss

akin to a grief that washes over you when you least expect it.

grief can definitely be like that.

the experiences i have with death are few

as estranged as my family was

you loved the idea of them

the idea of grandparents

not the reality of them

the suppose to feel sad

vs the crushing sadness

when the loss was real.

a male friend of mine was killed suddenly in a jeep accident.

serious tragedy. longer story than i will share here

his death had impact on people close to me.

the collective loss was palpable.

feelings

how very  intense they can be

i am not trying to be a downer.

more so, lately i have just felt a need to say stuff

whatever the stuff might be

alter ego or not

my mind and my heart is cluttered

be gone you overwhelming thoughts

be gone.

( the light was sunset light. a tad blary. works somehow)

Shadow Rays

It’s been a tad lonely over here at the blog.

low numbers.

two weeks ago the numbers were much higher.

as were the communications.

i appreciate your reaching out to me.

thats what keeps me here.

someone to keep me company

and remind me that i am human

its like that.

as bloggers

hit or miss.

hit or miss on what we post visually.

and/or what content we share.

or how we tag.

which i sortof suck at.

current tagging anyway.

old tagging or organic content

i was way better at

this set of images is part of a set i took

that completely amused me over the weekend

this is part 1 of that set

what a sight these saggy breasts of mine are

i think the way i held my body really exaggerated things

but not by much.

the last shot.

the weight of her as she leans against the table top.

what a sight.

and how sad she is. all deflated and wilted.

reality.

today a person i hung out with/ a friend from some years back

emailed me.

not sure now how many times we hung out

but they were day treks in the realm of showing me the area

and foodie trips. very very good memories. and someones company i enjoyed immensely

our relationship was not physical.

after our first meet at the end of the day. he was leaving, he kissed me on the lips quickly. he walked away, and then came back and kissed me again a tad longer. very very sweet.

he was the person who when i stopped photographing for the book about veganism i was working on  ( a nightmare of a project )  he bought me a steak. we shared it. it was a steak salad actually. the steak was mind blowing. like really really good. and we both moaned out loud while eating it. we wondered if we should perhaps order another. we laughed really really hard.

we laughed so loud in the sort of establishment where my laugh is perhaps too much.

the whole thing was one of those nuggets one can have with another.

he’s a very broken, sweetheart of a man.

emotionally broken.

financially broken.

we all have our stuff.

his stuff. mine

i was going to be near where he is and said hey can we meet

he never replied

so i asked again

he wrote:

…he had broken off all of his human relationships and is going about in this world solo. he said he wasn’t sure when he would join the human race again. 

wow. what a very very sad reply

from such a dynamic man.

i have been thinking about our steak eating moaning and laughter all day.

I also have been thinking about how so many times the men whom i am physically and emotionally attracted to are not available to me.

or to anyone for that matter.

 

We All Know That Feeling

not sure if that friday night feeling is a rite of passage in your 20’s or the reality of a work week gone by. friday nights if you do them right have that exhale to them. the fuck yea it’s friday feeling. let the weekend begin. the pressure is off. they feel a certain way.

once responsibilities hit. motherhood in particular. friday nights were more of a relief valve. different from the pre-kids party down thing. years later friday night took on family time with pizza and thank goodness beer. and a movie or two. even in single parenting days – i may have only gotten a few of those evenings with my kids –  they were golden. treasured.

when i built my single parenting work life balance days i said things to myself. how do i as a self employed someone structure my time, my days. what i wanted. what were the fine lines of time, when do you do chores, when do you work. when are you a mom. when were you yourself.  this is when you do this. this is when you do that

in this time, discovery, and finding distinctions of self employment, single mom-ness and  even some dating times. i developed a love of cooking/meditation – a time i made the family meal. this is when i let voice mail do its job. when i relished in meal making.  i put love into the evening meal – this practice is still much a part of my life today. a ritual

heck – it’s just me.  who am i fooling. i am a foodie. i have nothing going on in my life, so the only way i am going to eat well is if i prepare it myself.

the only way i can have a friday night is if i crank the tunes and buy my own 6 pack – diet permitting and all.

i love the feel of it.

a friday night and all

this set of images is not a friday night but…

all were taken in one day

including some very good masturbating pictures.

wonder if i sold these panties?

this was the apt i shared with roommate zilla.

her cat was the saving grace of that time period.

at this juncture i had just found the country studio.

i had been living/enduring her for 4 months.

here i am working from home

giggle

her lawn furniture was the living room decor

i did not enjoy this time 3 years ago

i did not.

but i tried to be me somehow.

i did.

 

 

Freedom And Abandon

perhaps i told you that i rearranged my apartment over new years weekend.

turns out its new arrangement makes for better self work.

who knew.

i found myself saying DUH, sure took me long enough to discover how to play with the light in here.

it use to be in my life that weekends included languid lovemaking

love the word lanquid

like the idea of lovemaking with a total sense of freedom and abandon

nothing but time and intimacy

yum

i have been thinking about how i’d ask someone to work with me and my ideas around my nude art photography. photographs of coupling. nothing blaring. conceptual. artful.

putting that out there to strangers would probably not be a great idea.

i met a young guy recently through our beards, he recognized me from a photography group and introduced himself. how sweet. he’s married of course, but a confident enough sort to just be a really nice guy to converse with. refreshing.

he was nice to look at.

his beard is amazing.

we laughed

simple stuff really.

it’s hard to meet an ordinary male human.

i met another man who lent me a camera

that later broke in my good company. ( the camera ) can one say mortified?

he was cool about it. it was an old camera

when i asked him if he dated. like went out on dates.

he said, oh i gave that up some time ago

he said, I got a dog instead.

he was serious.

the dog was the answer to the stress of dating he described.

we can be friends he said.

have yet to hang out with him.

i think the dog thing is too much.

thats just my opinion.

with the increase of emotional support animals out there perhaps i am wrong.

he said once that his dog was a chick magnet

i thought, hmmmm does that mean you want to meet chicks?

thats actually what had me ask me if he dates.

SIGH

when i get my cat. ( which at this rate will be never )

if i become a crazy cat lady will you tell me?

i played with myself today.

these panties are too small

they have a nice sheer to them

which is what i wanted to show off my pubic hair

looks like i had them on inside out

oh well

i had trouble being on my knees like this

shit, shows how long it’s been.

wonder how i get that agility back.

i am open to tips/stretches/practice

sigh.

i was playing with myself

and looked up.

my reflection was across the room

TOO fun

gotta love the everydayness feel of the shot

i really like it