Elder Dating

he was a friend of sorts. we met through craigs list, he hired me to photograph him nude in the woods. something on his bucket list. i needed the money. he was a very accomplished mid seventies male who lost a fortune. He was living within his means while he studied for his real estate license. living within his means meant he had a housekeeper, had a rather dandy vehicle, a 500,000 home, and that he travelled. often. it was immediate that i as a woman was not a fit for him. he liked younger, thin, coifed gals. make up, pushed up tits. laughingly and this really stuck with me. when speaking about dating he said…have you seen what woman look like that are my age? when i thought about it…i got what he meant. although I know handfuls of mid seventy women who are wonderful. they are down to earth and outdoorsy. he was not. he had very odd fantasies about humiliation, and asian girls. he brought one of those circumstances to reality with one of his housekeepers. yikes.

we conversed over a cup of coffee/lunch occasionally. he would spend exactly an hour with me, a VERY busy important man and all. and during that time he would pontificate about things trump, while i patiently tried to give a shit about what he said. i didn’t, at all. i had to really bite my tongue. there were times when he asked me how i was and meant it. i enjoyed making him laugh. and the story telling banter was lively. he told me more than once that my life was fascinating. I think he felt sorry for me. I was the sad, tragic and triumphant sort. I knew that someone like me was not a common person in his portfolio of folks. he collected people that he “knew” people that expanded his people horizons, but in times of certain specific need, like when i asked for help, his self importance really got in the way. he sold his pricey house, made a killing actually, and left the state to be closer to family. aging and all. once, while back in town for business….we had lunch. i was “out” with my facial hair. he was horrified by it. visibly uncomfortable. he said, “well, perhaps you could get it trimmed or something.” he then said, ” you realize that you are no longer a catch for any man.” he was one of two who said how facial hair would be the end of me. I left that hour of time with him feeling hurt. It was easy to justify what he said to who he was. Sometimes folks need to have the sense to keep their opinions to themselves. Most like him don’t. Since that circumstance a few men have crossed my path supposedly interested in me. they too sortof balked. like i’ll do you, but I won’t introduce you to any of my friends.  i am saying this thought. they didn’t so much as say but ….i am not stupid.

I bring this up because at almost 60. when it’s an especially bad day…i can feel pretty geriatric. that can’t be very attractive.

found this dress online. got it for $12. in one way the dress is very me. in another way. it’s an old lady dress. ugh

i felt pretty when i took this picture.

 

 

 

my youngest graduated college that weekend. spring 2012. helping her pack and moving her out of her house she said hey mom – this top might fit you. it didn’t, but i really liked the pattern, and the style. i had just scored lightroom software at a really low cost. for those who know my work before and then after. the software defined me artistically. game changer. plus i could now watermark my work. its one thing to have the nest empty when they go to school, but here i was. facing more reality. this gal had a life and it didn’t include me. i think i could do an entire series with imagery like this, a blur. Life is a blur

it’s already 2/19 – didn’t we just ring in the new year??

the gallery in Chicago is going to print my corset image. i get printing at cost prices. it will be a glossy 16×20 – they are throwing the frame in for free. I am beside myself at how cool this is. wow !! before i had to bring art paper to the photo shop/wait to two days for the print go back to pick it up. sign my piece and assemble, the print, matt and frame. wire the frame for hanging. wrap the piece for mailing. score a box either for free in the trash or get one at another trip out to the PO. all of which is a lot of effort. and expense.

For this print – All i had to do was send a quality file. more wow. I think the piece will sell.

I sold a collage today. it was an immediate sale after posting it on social media – poof – gone. Just like the heart photo last week. and another collage. one might think i am an artist or something. I answered another call for art. the gallery offered the same printing opportunity. what the heck!! I am thinking perhaps something on glass.

tech question. if i move my iphoto’s. like the entire portfolio onto an external hard drive. to make additional room on my image crowded lap top, will i lose my organizing efforts? what will the files look like?? i have them organized by events. or folders. am i going to have a mess on my hands trying to find my files??

anyone got access to apple products? specifically the old style macbook pro? the kind that you can run a disc in ??? or add an additional hard drive to ??? NOT kidding, re: as an ask.  I’d love to buy a new old style mac. this one is 10 years old. it still works like a charm. but i need to prepare for what in inevitable. i am hearing terrible things about the newer apple products.

 

ZERO

a year ago. i brought my cat home from the humane society.

she’s an interesting creature and we’ve come a long way together.

i can’t remember life without her. I took over 600 images of her in 2019.

folks here don’t seem to care much about her.

which is fine.

crazy cat lady is probably not very alluring.

in the beginning, i described having her like looking in the mirror.

she was/is as skiddish as I.

she was supposed to be pet therapy.

instead we had to figure out how to get along.

a lesson one can definitely learn from.

2019 was a high anxiety year for me.

i was looking at images from a year ago and we had a bright sunny january.

not this year. way way more wintery. bleak. dim, as a good friend of mine says.

i don’t mind the dim. i am lucky that way. i love being at home.

at this time of year my envelopes are almost all empty.

ZERO.

this makes me anxious.

there are many ways to manage a financial  life.

i function penny to penny.

month to month.

when there is something extra.

like from the sale of art.

or a gift.

my policy. or the way i manage is

that cash goes into envelopes.

my larger bills all land around this time of year.

the vet visit, the car tag, an oil change, the dentist, the fees for my websites, holiday mailing, cat supplies etc…

THIS year, for the first time in quite awhile the envelopes were full. fat. and ready

I now have to rebuild them again for next year

but for the sake of personal satisfaction

and pride.

firstly…I DID IT.

and secondly.

i can do it again.

a good feeling.

My art opening in Chicago is tonight. Perhaps I will sell that photograph???

THANK YOU to those of you who send me something from time to time.

THE BEST OF 2019

i enjoyed the fact that a few of you chimed in on what struck you personally as a very favorite nude from 2019. thank you. a few images got many votes. i like that. i feel overdue in culminating these final choices for myself.

while i am not stupid sick as i was, i am still not 100% i am still sick. DAY 18. Fuck.

winter is knocking on our doors especially hard these upcoming days. i am prepared for cozy. its how i tend to roll come winter anyway

my art life shot into the 2020 new year rather profoundly. at least there is that. so much going on.

i have a purring, suckling cat on my chest at the moment (have i told you she does that?that she suckles?? ) its one of the many signs that she was taken from her mama early. definitely one of her quirks. that said, she lays on my left arm, so i can only type with one hand, takes longer.

13. best of. as if it was a calendar. first pic, got the most votes… it would be the cover. also offers a small ode to the green chair.

Kindness And Flickr

My pro fee for flickr was paid for again this year. the gift was from the very same generous giftee from a year past. last year he additionally found me a used yet brand new replacement camera for my canon s90. my camera of choice. wow. right?? That was pretty amazing. 

In the mail are some funds to assist me with shipping fees for a show I HOPE I am accepted into from the same patron. I find out mid-january. 

What tremendous kindness!

Gestures like this really really help me. They nurture the creative in me. They gift me a sense of freedom around the costs of things in my life. Many of which most take for granted. Gifts like this make me feel understood.

Many know that I stretch and eek my way to my almighty dollar. i live on very little

how I manage baffles most.

ANYWAY

What I wanted to write about is WHY FLICKR.

my commentary is nothing profound. simply. i really love flickr and am glad that I can be there.

founded in 2004, Flickr attracted a certain crowd in it’s beginnings.

much like any of these social media platforms

it was pretty exciting early on.

i was into the blogosphere in it’s early days. 2005 is when i began to explore it’s value for my work.

I found FB very creepy in 2007. and left it for 2 years after being maliciously stalked.

When I moved to a new community. FB was the way to do things. Much like how the www became a given thing.  If I was going to be part of that community I needed to get back on FB. I eventually grew very fond of FB.

With this blog I applied my knowledge of social media pointing strategies or what i call circles of influence and began using Flickr to drive traffic here. to my blog

i still believe that this space is something I can call my own. a personal expression vs a social media expression.

after giving it some thought, many of those who know me here

were first directed to me because of flickr.

that says something.

I love the ease of use of flickr.

i love the visual/user experience of flickr

i like that flickr counts things

i have one image on flickr that has almost 70,000 views.

that sortof blows me away.

folks are more apt to comment on flickr vs a blog.

the community of sorts has an immediate feeling/interactivity to it

many engage faithfully. for that i am grateful.

i have collected imagery from around the world that inspires me, that gifts me pause and beauty. I really appreciate being able to do that on flickr

recently the new CEO wrote and shared that Flickr is struggling financially.

it made me wonder what i’d do without it.

i began poking around.

i am but a very very small fish in the flickr pond.

i am a nobody.

when i see how some are using flickr at a very high pitch

with very very high volume of images posted

and so so so much traffic

it makes me think…wow.

and they pay the same fee as I do??

if FB and Instagram can do it for free/without fees

whats different about Flickr?

and for those who use Flickr in high volume?

why ??

image storage? isn’t that super risky??

or is it strategic, like the way I utilize Flickr??

what about all the rif raf? all the raunch and smut?

what i like to call bottom feeders.

what about them?

I don’t have the answers

and i probably have a very narrow/small and perhaps naive perspective

comparatively.

BUT while I have Flickr. I am very glad.

Took these images the other day.

happy red panty days.

the black and whites are gritty.

my hair is the longest it’s ever been in my entire life

have no idea how i got the first two color shots.

happy accidents as they say

and happy holidays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Of 2019

if you recall i do this annually,  this collect the best thing.

I began in 2012

7 years of bests.

doing it differently this year

fans gave quite a few of these a strong response

but perhaps deciding the best

is a different story.

care to chime in?

which are your favorite and why.

i figure two from each category should do it.

plus one for a cover of sorts

as if it were a calendar.

noone has ever bought a calendar

noone buys my nude images either.

whatever.

perhaps there is no point

except to see the year in review.

for a year that i didn’t feel particularly sexy/attractive

i love many of these.

the artist part of me is strident.

perhaps that’s the point.

there are 35 images. i uploaded all into a gallery style. click the first image and you can view and arrow forward.  i forgot to watermark these. dammit.

12 rows. 1-2-3, per row. except the last row.

what speaks to you and why??

the categories are: 

torso

breast

ass

full/classic

masturbate

other

 

The Friday After

i grocery shopped monday.

i, like everyone else, blew off shopping on the weekend.

so, the store was stupid full of people,

the store added more inventory so the aisles were more stupid full of all you need for turkey, buy buy buy …stupid

the look on folks faces was one of both panic and ….wait for it, stupid!!!

i needed everything, so i knew I was stupid and it was going to be a long or at least 90 minute shop

add another hour to that.

2 1/2 hours. yup.

and i could only blame myself for waiting until monday.

so… i donned my imaginary big wide brimmed “i am very patient” hat.

and just tried to be nice. what else can you do??

in the spirit of people watching.

a few stood out.

a few who had either a spirit of kindness about them,

or that fuck you get out of my fucking way i need a fucking turkey spirit.

i perused their carts. overflowing, and made up a story about them.

the fuck you dude was wearing a suit. we don’t get a lot of suits in this store. just sayin …

i think he was shopping for his mother. what he had in his cart did not look like him.  i saw him think really hard about buying flowers. he stood considering them for a very very long while. when he picked them up, I thought way to go dude in the suit. someone will feel that long thought. that decision to get. he will brighten someone’s day with those flowers.

the gal who almost needed two carts was i think a mom, or a seriously generous sister or aunt to folks with kids. her cart was piled so high she could barely see over it. she was pretty, dressed smart and rather funny in the way she shopped. she caught me staring at her. i made a recommendation, and then made her really laugh. and then I had to apologize because I almost cried. that sortof cry that comes from the relief of a good laugh. shit. there i am the bearded lady in the grocery store. sobbing. note: i didn’t cry in the grocery store. but i was close.

i did cry earlier though. i mailed off some holiday packages. with a great sense of pride actually because i had saved all year so that i could send something off to the few in my life that i want to gift to. just 3 packages. but i filled them with love. from me. which i haven’t been able to do in a long while. one of the items i sent was “smoked salt”. don’t laugh. if i sent you salt. you would thank me. kid you not.

anyway, earlier i had to parallel park. i can. i am not afraid or avoid that type of parking, i just take my time when i do it. a dude behind me waited. he then stopped next to me with a huge grin on his face and gestured a thumbs up. not an asshole thumbs up, but a real genuine thumbs up. like way to go nice parking job lady thumbs up. it was a gesture from a perfect stranger that caught me completely by surprise.  I totally lost it. big tears down my cheeks, head down on the steering wheel. shoulders shaking. sobbing. which actually felt really good.

i looked like a train wreck going into the very crowded post office and found i was shaking. emotional release and all.  i thought. you are loved somehow. in this world that you do all by yourself. people love you.

perhaps you recall a year ago. my bearded face and i were acknowledged by a room full of strangers. i unanimously won the people’s choice award. it took every single part of me not to lose it in front of that crowd of people who affirmed my courage and my gumption to grow the hair out on my face. pretty great shit.

i am in a mood today because i feel like i FINALLY have found some peace around the topic of solo and holiday. i finally get how to have it be mine. to own it.

when folks ask – any special plans for thanksgiving?? ( the very worst question someone can ask a lonely person quite truthfully ) 

i get to say. “NO. not a single plan, isn’t that wonderful?? I have a new book, and some great meals I plan to make and nowhere to go. It’s perfect!!” 

and it was!!

i had the best day!!

all by myself.

well, me and my cat.

i think i get it now. i get how to do holiday and be completely free around the entire hoopla of it.

where 10 years ago, i felt it. empty nest felt it. new, in a new town in a new house. new. alone. oppressively alone. felt it.  i wasn’t a stranger to not having my children with me, they defaulted to their fathers side of the family for all holidays many years before. we found our way to do celebrations but as they grew older. i was last in the family equation. and i felt it.

i am not sure why this year feels like an “i’ve got this” epiphany. but it does.

i was just having a flashback to the horror of two years of holiday and the meals served from the extended family of mr cowboy. how can anyone ruin a turkey dinner? powdered potatoes in a plastic lined crock pot…..are you kidding me???