In Case You Thought I Was Weird

this happened 12 years ago.

the entity came to me in the middle of the night.

it did not ask permission to touch me.

but it did.

the entity took.

in essence it was like rape.

however giving and adoring,

it took and

it left me shaken.

shaken i tell you.

there is a part of me that says it was a dream.

i dream vividly. and often. i remember my dreams

but a part of me that knows the physical potential of an entity

and thinks perhaps this was a spiritual lover.

weird. i know

but if you have known of entities before ….

not so weird.

the details are extremely sexual.

arousing, physically palpable, the attention left me breathless.

imagine that you are asleep.

you are awakened by kisses and gentle caresses

still in a sleep daze

the attention becomes more sexual

finger probing

oral

sexual and very pleasuring.

except noone is physically there.

your imagination can not fill in the blanks that have left you

remarkably aroused,

i would then awake, breathless with my legs splayed open

hungry

it happened over and over

for months.

it got to the point where i said

no.

i said, i don’t know who you are

you do not have my permission

to touch me.

i do not want you to do this.

it scared me.

to frame where my heart and mind were at the time.

my nest was about to be empty.

financially I was going to hit a brick wall

i had lost use of my right hand

my adrenals were fatigued.

this fatigue showed up

in my body.

physical manifestation of…

i was completely falling apart

my second marriage was ending.

betrayal in many many forms are what ended it.

i was the victim of maliciousness.

sociopathic.

i felt embarrassed by its failing. he fooled many. so so many. i was a fool

i felt mortified about being single again

i did not believe that i was of value

as a person

or as a woman

i felt a loss in my life

like a grief so crushing

that i lost a good portion of time

to tears.

and an inability to cope.

at the time i lived in a magical attic apartment of a queen anne victorian home

the energy in the space was kind.

visually magical.

crooked in a vintage way that pleased me.

like syrup on a plate of pancakes would pool on one side of the plate crooked.

i loved that apt.

that place was also a transition place

for all the things mentioned above.

this was two years before i bought my first home.

many many things to get to the other side of at that time

this was the year i lost 100lbs.

my nude photography began here,

in therapy, i did not have to defend the reality of this creature who touched me

i did not have to justify

i did not have to explain

i did have to be real though

about how violated i felt.

and,

that the patterns of my life

include many many who TAKE.

my therapist suggested that i shift the taking feeling

to one of adoring.

that i was attractive

and adored.

fair.

and so.

i affirmed my …me, myself and I

as beautiful.

a self worth practice

that I have instilled ever since.

i am affirmed of that beauty

by adoring fans here.

even if who i was 12 years ago

is different.

very different then who i am now.

and even if my self confidence is low.

these are not the best images.

i was just figuring out this little digital camera

which later,

if you recall. i dropped

and it died.

now, the light in this place would have offered some magic for self captures.

a good portion of these belongings are now long gone. sold. memories.

my breasts don’t look like this anymore either. this was my very first nude capture.

what a memory.

 

 

 

 

Flower Power

I dreamt last night that a flower and succulents were growing in my groin.

( how’s that for an opening sentence?)

there was a single flower, short stemmed with a blue crocus like blossom – it’s center was yellow and button like. it’s petals fat and juicy, much  like that of an engorged jade. it looked like a pussy.

next to the flower there a large cluster of pure white plants. each had three small leaves. unlike most succulents they were soft to the touch. almost mossy.

all of this was nestled in the spread of my legs. specifically, in the crease on my right side

WTF

the examination room was huge. pure white. gleaming, with tile floor to ceiling. the room was brightly lit. i was drenched in white light. they guided me to an oversized rocking chair. the doctor, garbed in all white adorned a lamp of sorts on its head. all I could see was the Dr’s eyes.

i showed the Dr my flower power

armed with oversized tweezers, the removal of the flower revealed very short roots.

the succulent removal was trickier. the individual  leaves would pop and their juice would burn me.

the dr was very careful.

once all was removed

my wounds were treated.

at one point i thought the Dr might have been my mother.

but there was no vibe of judgement.

later, i saw that the Dr was a man.

with a mustache and a warm smile.

noone spoke.

( take in 2011. when i had way more hair )

 

 

Annual Entitlement

i celebrate another year older in a few weeks. 

it’s the one time of year where I want to be celebrated. it’s the one time a year where i want the attention. the sortof attention that it’s all about ME. it’s the one day that i want to know, like really really know, that my being born matters. i gave up a very very long time ago that my birthday is going to be some planned momentous occasion. planned by another anyway. I make my own way in the hey it’s my day lets celebrate department.

the entitled part of me has a wish list. i always do this. you know the drill.  it’s a list of items where later I can say. oh such and such gave me that for my bday. it’s about having something treasured that reminds me.  my being born matters 

folks are funny about being celebrated. some don’t want an ounce of hoopla.  i say nonsense to that. it matters that you were born.

others i know expect a month long celebration. and they get it!! ha!! how do they do that?

in today’s day i have no expectations except a small practical suggestion i sent to my kids. because that’s the other part of me. i am pretty pragmatic.

next year i turn 60 on my birth year 1960.

part of me thinks. gosh perhaps thats a year to plan something.

what would i plan?

i have NO idea.

i had an invite this year for a road trip

a gal i know moved in with her man.

i would like to meet him.

investigating it further

the drama was going to be too much.

my ability to roll with drama lately is nill.

i also had to put a car repair before a road trip

but, this repair puts the annoying front brake sound to rest.

and perhaps i will go a year without car repair drama

i like that idea. i like that idea a lot

the year i met mr cowboy, our first date was around my birthday.

he did all the right things, truth be

maybe i am just a pushover.

the day one is born matters. 

just like quite a few of you here

over the years

have gone out of your way

for my birthday.

thank you for that.

today is the day of the week i do art all day, i wrote a summation of what i plan to make in the upcoming year. it took me a better part of the day to make sense of it all –  this is a new strategy for me. i am not quite at the place to see this past year in my rear view mirror. it was a good year that way. a different year but a good one but, i hit a stuck place recently because of some pretty serious overwhelm. i stopped all. i went internal and I did some thinking. and today. all that thinking came together and made sense. i am feeling rather inspired. inspired by me. who knew

 

 

 

I Can See That You Are Here

many say “i have been following you for a long time”

some later reveal that they have been a fan for a decade.

um.

i don’t know who you are

unless you tell me.

i can see ( via the blog traffic graph ) when folks are poking around.

some have been as of late. a bit more anywho. thanks.

traffic is generally low.

but so am i

so, i think its fair that i get what i give.

the other day i introduced myself to a local artist.

i gushed my affection for …

i have been a fan for 7 years.

and that person is here.

in my town.

took me weeks to get a 10 minute appointment

i was nervous

and way over enthusiastic.

i felt sortof stupid. pubescent awkward stupd

but i wanted and needed that person to know

the impact. the fascination. the longevity. the story.

does that matter to someone who has a zillion fans?

that person will likely never be my best friend.

or a friend even.

the knowing is now there.

i know you.

or you know me.

surface.

where have relationships gone?

people stop me.

i know you. they say.

they know my bearded face

or my around town photography.

6000 of them

one of me.

i don’t know them.

how could i?

i have been thinking a lot lately about the phrase “i’ve got your back”

i will vet a new date. is your interest vested?

like do you REALLY want to know me.

or is your interest a maybe, we’ll see interest.

i miss vested interest.

i come from abandonment.

i have symptoms of fetal alcohol syndrome

does the betrayal begin there?

if i think

i can list.

“you SO did not have my back ” 

i didn’t expect loyalty before i was born.

i didn’t expect this as a young girl

as a student

as a young lover

as a new wife

blind faith

victim

betrayal

triggers

a recent trigger and reminder was a memory of a friend.

back when i was a teen

where my intense family drama

created a life long fear in her

i never knew

woah.

the circumstance could have had been different

the entire family didn’t have to stand there and shame me

they didn’t have to be OK with what was going on

someone could have stood up for me.

years later i asked one sibling

do you not have a mind of your own?

not sure i really KNOW the “I’ve got your back” thing.

especially now.

do you think you are that person for someone?

is someone there for you??

i am fiercely loyal

if i feel an ounce of fleeting

my loyalty will wane.

trust shifts

i evaluate

or

reevaluate.

if there is silence. long silences

i make up reasons why it’s over.

why it won’t work.

why i am last.

a year ago i had a man and his dog for dinner

i was feeling especially vulnerable

i was horribly bitten at the time

the evening was effortless

fun even

haven’t seen him or his dog since

sigh.

he is the one who doesn’t date and has a dog instead

he has one of my books.

a year.

i realize that the difference between blog posts of 2019

and past years is that

this year i took on communicating in real time

current work,

current nudes.

current shit or triumphs

truth is

my current times are not that compelling.

perhaps i am not that interesting

in my real life not too many know about this blog

or my alter ego.

a few who do.

are critical.

not all.

just a few.

i have felt they don’t get it

or me.

below images of masturbation

a session of self touch of sorts

i think it’s rather beautiful

in its own

hey thats me sortof way.

maybe its so in my eyes only.

i found pleasure at least.

i’ve got this

i’ve got me

i’ve got my back.

 

 

 

 

 

The Fine Lines Of Fandom

i just took the best vacation.

i had no idea how much i needed it.

seriously.

i got to a place of nothing

a zone of relax

a chill to the ninth degree.

i stretched it out as long as I possibly could.

i got to the i deserve this place too.

which felt grand.

BUT

today is my first day back to reality.

my writing this afternoon.

is a space/place away from the to-do list

which is rather long.

but long in a good way.

like due course long.

i am beginning to realize how i craft my life.

and how great it can be,

when i craft things with what’s best for me in mind.

not trying to be preachy

i just feel some clarity.

perhaps that’s what vacations provide.

my son, an avid cyclist said recently, just because someone rides a bike doesn’t mean we are friends.  it does mean that we have something in common. and that’s a great place to start. I liked that perspective

i say to new people in my life/life. my real life.  I am happy to try someone on. i love meeting new people. However I am going to be quick to acknowledge that if it isn’t a good fit. I will probably move on. i have way too little emotional energy to be with something that isn’t working for me. i also tell them it’s me defining the fine lines. that it’s often not them. i am complicated. and still rather fragile. i know of some people who want to be closer to me. I can’t do that any longer with just anyone

as fleeting, ghosting, judging and stupid as people can be. or have been. i gotta say figure out the fine lines

there ARE the good ones. true to self folks shine. i want and need shiny. i want light. i want effortless. and when i am around effortless. it’s a breath of fresh air

i say all of this because over the last few months now over a handful of you  have shared an opinion. this opinion sharing feels like the crossing of a very fine line.

I went with the first commentary. i let it roll off my emotional shoulder

i did not feel judged.

i heard the thought.

i let it go

but then another shared their thoughts, and another, and another

and now …i feel a tad bombarded by unwanted opinions.

the opinion is about the hair on my face.

you are all entitled to your thoughts about the topic

i also get that i am in an open public place about it

a virtual space

but realize this.  if i am a person now with hair on her face.

this is who i am. it’s sortof not negotiable.

it’s like if a man goes bald.

he’s now bald.

i bet that it is highly unlikely that there is a single woman in your immediate circle of influence who has a face like mine. how much do you want to bet?

and if there is, i applaud that woman. and I applaud you. especially  if you intermingle socially with that person, and/ or if you share her with your other spheres of …people.

ya see, it’s one thing to know me, to say way to go lady, to think that it takes such courage to be me. but more often than not, i am not going to be included at family dinner.

this is happening folks. this is my reality.

this is the way it is for me.

so….get with the program

for some

this face of mine

is embarrassing.

when a man that you know goes bald do you tell that dude

i don’t like your shiny head?

do you say yeah your baldness isn’t doing it for me.

because some are saying that.

about my face.

it’s fucking rude when you get right down to it.

i get opinions

i get opinionated

i get having a point  of view

i get free speech

i also get grace.

have some grace for fuck sake

have some empathy

try my circumstance on sometime and see how it FEELS.

are you on my shit list because you shared this opinion of yours?

NO.

it does make me wonder what you were thinking.

outside of your distaste for the appearance of my face and all.

it certainly does not attract me to you

it does not have me trust the nature of our communications as nurturing, compassionate, kind and supportive.

perhaps some thoughts are better left unsaid.

the reality of all of this is many of us have known each other a very long time

a decade long time

you and i hanging out in real life??

highly unlikely.

so i am i am never going to embarrass you.

put your vote so to speak where it matters.

onto other things….

in my fantasies – i meet a nice guy who loves to cycle casually on sunday. he realizes that i cANt navigate a bike on my own. so he invests in one of these. as corny as a bicycle built for two is,  i adore the old fashioned sentiment. i like the idea of doing together in a way that works …considering all involved.

this gem of a bike was at a place i was featured at… as an artist. i sold some art and gabbed with people who felt curious about me and my work. very low ebb of an afternoon but lovely.

the memory of an old schwinn takes me to many places. i’ve had 3. only one had the glitter hand grips. she was a buttery brown.

i feel too vulnerable to ride a bike now.

i am not a pig tail gal. more of a braids person. on this day though i was lazy. i love the part in back because there is only a very small moment of the dark hair left that use to be my signature. the rest is silvered or turned of all things rather white. i love the contrast

i call these two shots pig tails and jasmine rice. it was a daily, making rice, kitchen cabinet door left  open ( i do that. a lot ) moment. plus it’s not a bad shot of that tatt of mine.

perhaps i should feel apologetic about the beginning of this post.

like maybe my thoughts are not what you want to hear

but I don’t feel sorry.

i feel truthful

perhaps that’s where some of you were coming from too.

 

 

 

 

For Fun

what do you do for fun?

not sure i do fun

not in a really fun

actually fun way

sometimes there are reasons i don’t do fun

money of course

there is that.

if you say nature and walks are free or fun.

fuck you

standing alone in the woods

or walking and going nowhere

isn’t fun.

my feet can only stand so much

within the theme of its hard to be my friend 

i am the person that says to my friends…

hey i’ve cashed in my penny jar wanna catch a film? a full jar buys a ticket AND popcorn! GLEE. I get to maybe two films a year. and believe it or not. its hard to find a movie pal these days.

once i had a date, another ugh of man. he went to at least two movies a week. i asked if her ever takes a friend. and he said why would i do that?? what a drip of a human he was. I think he too was another that brought up anal …wtf??  ( sorry i digress )

or i say,  hey i have a chicken breast, chick peas and tomato — what do you have? bring it over and i’ll make something. i love meal making with a friend

or i might say i have to do icky errands, wanna join me? coffee out is on me. i love when i can treat. its not often but when i can. i do. and it makes me happy.

if you lived near and said hey wanna go to a film, or out for thai, or join me for happy hour, or go on a road trek to check out an antique store. i would say gosh I’d love to uh, if it’s your treat. I would have to be sure that you are treating. cuz otherwise i would embarrass myself and you with my inability to pay. this is forever awkward.

i repeat. forever awkward

Most of the time the above fun things that most folks do

i just don’t have the fiscal chops for.

folks don’t include me in their plans for that reason

i had a married neighbor who i should have fucked.

i can’t believe i just wrote that.

it’s true though. i should have had him.

he loved beer, and conversation.

he was a creative and really admired my art. and a great conversationalist.

his wife was one piece of work that was very critical of him.

she did not like me.

the feeling was mutual.

he however did and often very randomly he’d stop by with a 6 pack

we’d gab. and we would LAUGH

and then,  he’d almost get caught being in my good company and have to go. he’d fib sometimes when she called. we would keep it our little secret

i’d be slightly buzzed and hungry because often i needed to be making dinner or something.  and i loved the randomness of it

he was shy about eating in front of others. a bit of a nervous sort but as years passed he’d say let me treat you to lunch, which meant a lot to me because he wasn’t shy around me any longer — and we’d go. and laugh. it was more relaxed because his wife was working. and there was beer. of course. it felt like hookey.

i remember one time i asked him to lunch and he said no way. like no way in that he was surprised.  i grinned and said. I have the ability to treat and i would love to do that. he would have nothing to do with it.  he then told me how much he enjoyed our conversations, how he admired me, my unique points of view and my creative mind and that he too enjoyed treating. he said let me keep treating you

he knew about my nudes. at a very minimal level. i showed him a file or two. his knowing was always there. we never discussed it. one time we were drinking good beer. import beer and there were two 6 packs because he was in the mood he said.  i found myself very very attracted to his mouth. i just got fixated on his lips. a bit i guess like the slow motion mouth scenes in a film or something. know what i mean?? I wanted to kiss him in an indescribable way

i miss that guy. i miss that house.

over time others have been a part of similar circumstances

FUN circumstances.

spontaneous fun now? in my current life?

not really.

i have a very long list of things i absolutely love doing all by myself.

however when i am trying to squeeze blood from a rock for a reason.

like now

with this sick cat i have

or the front brakes envelope

or or or

i go to sparce on purpose

i go deeper into the i have no life place

and just find joy in what i have

not what i don’t have

like right now in this very moment  the sun is doing it’s twinkle dance around my studio

i could watch this light all day.

i feel like it envelopes me somehow

fluttering light kisses.

it’s also so very beautiful

now add a glass of wine to that

and that would up the fun immensely.

don’t think i am a lush

i miss social drinking.

and do it very occasionally.

i don’t revolve my world around a cocktail.

on vacation – cocktails for breakfast? uh, why not.

on a first date? hell yes.

social.

i have no social life remember.

a fan said this week that he missed the old me.

i shared back that i miss the old me too

what if the old me is really gone?

below images are very very early work.

first works

vintage me

a firmer me

2009

very naive

i felt courageous taking these

thinner

trimmed

not sure the hair on my thighs is like this now

i am older

fallen

broken and shit.

ALL was made more vibrant back then by sharing.

wonder where this blouse went?

 

 

 

What Attraction Felt Like

you may like me

in a desire me sort of way

i won’t ever physically feel that

not in a knowing way

not in a way that things can be with

something real.

something

touchable or

tangible.

I could adorn a certain dress

or have freshly washed hair

or reveal the nape of my neck

those simple details can get the attention i yearn for

those days are so very very long gone.

sometimes

i might think i look ok

and feel attractive and pretty

i imagine adoring eyes.

the leaning in to kiss me

or my favorite

when you pull me to you

in lust.

i want it too

you can tell.

the air between us

takes a breath.

a touch can give me goosebumps

a touch can make me blush

a touch can have me arch my back

bring me to a purr

a touch can take me elsewhere in my body and in my mind.

someones touch  readies me for more

i am responsive that way

i am not one to say no

because i enjoy touch

i enjoy it so so very much.

it was the men in my life who said no

never i

i had desire

all the time.

when the want was mutual

the touching felt amplified

louder

hungry

i remember a very hot summer afternoon

i was wearing a simple cotton nightie

it had bits of lace at the edges of its square neckline

the cotton was thin

slightly sheer

i stood in the threshold of the back door near him

i had just taken a bath

A huge breeze found us.

he had been ignoring me for weeks now

and i remember thinking with every part of me

i want him to want me

i want his desire

i remember the sun on my face

late afternoon warm.

the wind was so unexpected

we just stood there as it swept over the two of us.

my nipples got hard

i gasped.

he was not detail minded sexually

but for some reason in that moment

a kiss on my neck found me.

i looked at him

clearly hungry for him

he responded.

when someone says yes

vs no.

attraction is one of the best feelings.