Uneventful Yet Lovely

my birthday was rather uneventful. mostly self realized. yet lovely.  the right people made the right gestures. as did some folks I never hear from. which I think is rather nice.

i asked for things i wouldn’t normally buy for myself, and got a few of them. enough to feel an indulgence. all in all. it was a very nice day. i got myself a piece of mocha chocolate cake that had me moaning – that’s the purpose of a good piece of cake. yes? . i was gifted a volume of onions and garlic that had me decide to make myself a french onion soup. good bread, cheese and wine must accompany. I got a local cheese and bread. I wish i could do that more often. Buy from food artisans. Alas. Not on my budget.

I invited a few to share in this bday meal with me, but after the third no. I gave up. Not because folks have other plans on a week night. More so. I didn’t feel like the kerplunk of another no was very celebratory.

a few birthday wishes from here found me. thank you for that.

there was the good company of my cat.

some of you don’t really give a shit about my cat.

but that’s your problem.

she’s been a source of a lot of laughter for me

and more cuddles than i’ve known from a human in some time.

she smells good and vibrates.

i am tired.

sometimes that tired

takes me to numb.

 

In Case You Thought I Was Weird

this happened 12 years ago.

the entity came to me in the middle of the night.

it did not ask permission to touch me.

but it did.

the entity took.

in essence it was like rape.

however giving and adoring,

it took and

it left me shaken.

shaken i tell you.

there is a part of me that says it was a dream.

i dream vividly. and often. i remember my dreams

but a part of me that knows the physical potential of an entity

and thinks perhaps this was a spiritual lover.

weird. i know

but if you have known of entities before ….

not so weird.

the details are extremely sexual.

arousing, physically palpable, the attention left me breathless.

imagine that you are asleep.

you are awakened by kisses and gentle caresses

still in a sleep daze

the attention becomes more sexual

finger probing

oral

sexual and very pleasuring.

except noone is physically there.

your imagination can not fill in the blanks that have left you

remarkably aroused,

i would then awake, breathless with my legs splayed open

hungry

it happened over and over

for months.

it got to the point where i said

no.

i said, i don’t know who you are

you do not have my permission

to touch me.

i do not want you to do this.

it scared me.

to frame where my heart and mind were at the time.

my nest was about to be empty.

financially I was going to hit a brick wall

i had lost use of my right hand

my adrenals were fatigued.

this fatigue showed up

in my body.

physical manifestation of…

i was completely falling apart

my second marriage was ending.

betrayal in many many forms are what ended it.

i was the victim of maliciousness.

sociopathic.

i felt embarrassed by its failing. he fooled many. so so many. i was a fool

i felt mortified about being single again

i did not believe that i was of value

as a person

or as a woman

i felt a loss in my life

like a grief so crushing

that i lost a good portion of time

to tears.

and an inability to cope.

at the time i lived in a magical attic apartment of a queen anne victorian home

the energy in the space was kind.

visually magical.

crooked in a vintage way that pleased me.

like syrup on a plate of pancakes would pool on one side of the plate crooked.

i loved that apt.

that place was also a transition place

for all the things mentioned above.

this was two years before i bought my first home.

many many things to get to the other side of at that time

this was the year i lost 100lbs.

my nude photography began here,

in therapy, i did not have to defend the reality of this creature who touched me

i did not have to justify

i did not have to explain

i did have to be real though

about how violated i felt.

and,

that the patterns of my life

include many many who TAKE.

my therapist suggested that i shift the taking feeling

to one of adoring.

that i was attractive

and adored.

fair.

and so.

i affirmed my …me, myself and I

as beautiful.

a self worth practice

that I have instilled ever since.

i am affirmed of that beauty

by adoring fans here.

even if who i was 12 years ago

is different.

very different then who i am now.

and even if my self confidence is low.

these are not the best images.

i was just figuring out this little digital camera

which later,

if you recall. i dropped

and it died.

now, the light in this place would have offered some magic for self captures.

a good portion of these belongings are now long gone. sold. memories.

my breasts don’t look like this anymore either. this was my very first nude capture.

what a memory.

 

 

 

 

I Can Feel It

one can literally feel the holiday weekend vibe,

the wanting for time off

extra time

its like folks have checked out of this entire week 

not much happening here

just i, myself and me.

long list of art making

i have a day trek by myself on saturday.

asked way too many to come along

folks are busy.

always busy. 

below — a year ago. not much nudity.  i was frustrated because i had finally met mr montana — and after that long wait and weird meet, there was no real follow up. he had a great time when we met speaking for hours about anal sex, he at least told me that. when i did hear back he was busy he said. if he was disinterested, why not say so. i don’t get it. 

i am good, so they say,  at turning day to day into a visual narrative. one thing i have observed. i gravitate towards the same day to day. my safety. my sense of order. my ordinary. this collection of dishes was for a baked pasta dish of sorts. i love the blast of the blue bowl.

did i tell you i no longer eat cheese or have half and half. have not had them since 5/9  sigh/  i thought i might die without those things. but, i am just out of my mind bored. my food life at the moment is way too regimented

two years ago. i was packing. things were pretty grim because i had no place to go. i was researching living out of my car. try that idea on sometime. i do remember the yellow of that tree. three of them on that property. they were intoxicating. spring bright.

 

 

 

Skanky

it was going to be skanky

lodgings, ride to and from the airport and parking.

super cheap.

i’ve seen skank before

stayed in skank a few times

upon arrival…

yup.

definitely skanky

it was 3 am when i finally got there

delayed flight

monkey in the middle coach seat.

even though i was promised a window seat.

ugh

my bag got bumped to be checked in

specific turbulence. seat belts on

not even a drop of water was offered until 2 hours into the flight

i ate a cliff bar for dinner

got confused in the bowels of baggage claim

i was at ramp 1.

the bags were at ramp 16.

lost an hour.

my feet hurt.

the man checking in before me was homeless

a he/she hooker wearing white vinyl go go boots. a really really bad blonde wig, clearly sporting a boob job and sporting some very tight pants. he she had a nice package. it was working the side walk. prancing up, prancing forth

the king size bed was a cot.

not a bed.

a thin, almost military mat was what i was going to sleep on

it was harder than a rock

too firm is a thing.

the shower turned on, but never produced water.

i could hear it. and then it dripped. nothing more

i could not get it to turn off.

little baby cockroaches on the window ledge

i wanted to run hot forceful water over my feet.

not gonna happen here.

the lamp with it’s mandatory lampshade seam facing forward.

the heat had a serious roar

it muffled the clank of hooker he she outside

i slept in my clothes.

someone forgot to clean the mirror.

where is my armpit hair.

it’s thinned.

i had noticed a coffee hut down the street

the barista was wearing a bikini

it had he parts and she parts too

all the rage perhaps?

too much information

on 6 hours of sleep

my last cliff bar was my breakfast

not going to do skank again.

nope nope nope

my trip was awesome, a gift

short. full, and meaningful

my cat was happy to see me

 

 

 

 

Classic Nude

very difficult to get this with the dumb “one shot at a time” timer

these did make laugh whilst taking them at least.

i like the headless one best

i am having good days and bad days

today was a good day.

a full with ideas for what is next sortof day.

tomorrow i get to sort the details of it all.

i feel the moon this cycle in a very vibrant way

she is also encouraging me to take in more sleep.

thank you

 

All Fluffy

me thinks if roommate zilla ever knew i sat on her fancy chairs nude she might have about freaked. i remember this particular morning because for once it was bright and the sun was really warm. normally a chill was in the air and ever so bleak was more the going thing.

obviously i had just gotten out of the shower – things were all fluffy. grin

if i look at these past winter months over the last few years all i was ever doing was moving, packing or selling something.

i will be at my country studio a year soon. the landlord has hinted to a increase in rent, but i plan to ignore that. the last thing i am interested in is moving. i am sure you believe me when i say that!!

i expected more commentary on the beard and mustache.

those against it feel that shaving is a choice. like …ewwww you have hair on your face – get rid of it. their mainstream thinking is that women do not sport facial hair – my choosing not to shave it to some is an act of defiance.   others feel i won’t be taken seriously or it will hinder my ability to be hired.  i am an artist and I live a hermit boho lifestyle – i don’t interact with the masses on a regular basis. my art speaks louder than the hair on my face – it’s about the art. not my appearance. others say i limit my ability to be attractive to a man. well, since dating here is horrific and i’ve not had a line at my door, like ever – what difference will hair on my face make?? maybe hair on my face is just what i need. For those into bearded ladies – it seems to be virtually into. my real life is rather surreal if you think about it.

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When Equipment Retires

i love this blog post title.

double meaning.

many a man who visit me here

have lost the women in their lives to menopause.

had you asked me about that when i first started this blog

all i could offer was a wow, did that really happen? Gee – Tell me more about that.

I had no experience with the topic.

i felt horrified to hear it

from so so very many men.

now that i am personally into this natural phase of my life.

i SO get it.

the other day

i told a friend

in some ways it could be easy to just let my equipment wither.

just decide that i am not valid sexually any longer and poof watch it disappear.

i don’t know how to let go of what makes me vibrant or passionate

nor do i want to let go of what i love about physicality

its just that being celibate for this long sucks.

the real reason for my post tonight was to share that the camera that mr detroit gifted me the summer before i just turned 50, that remarkable Canon S90 that basically changed my creative life forever, has had it’s last breath.  it’s been finicky for awhile now, but these last days I couldn’t get it to engage at all. lens has been stuck. some years ago i found a used one and i am feel really glad that i funded a spare. took me 2 years to pay for it. it’s a camera they no longer make.

can you see how worn my first one was?? i seriously loved the shit out of it.

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here is the first luscious nude i took with it.  i was so grateful

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