When There Are Two Of You

while an alter ego isn’t a multiple personality

there are two ways that i portray myself

i notice this duality mostly with men.

lets start with dating. from a decade ago

my duality was expressed most then

lets say its me. me/me. not nude me

just regular me.

i met guys through online dating

if something clicked via email.

i took it to phone.

my dating profile might share that i am a creative, that i am complicated/quirky, that i have an empty nest, that i love to cook and take road trips. most men tell me that they love my phone voice. i would share my distaste for smokers. or other deal breakers. I would ask a ton of questions. the first call is a test/ a screening of sorts. can they keep a conversation going, are they inquisitive, do we have anything in common. It’s at this time that i wonder should i tell them that i am nude online?? Or do I wait. Because more often than not – men who are curious about me and find out that i am nude on line are horrified.

some comments include: you mean i’d have to share you? what are you some sortof slut? why would you do that? and then i’d have to explain. ( well i am a creative and it’s an art form. a bit like performance art with out the performing and and and ) Those men I never meet.

the reason i’ve wanted to be upfront about my nudity is at some layer whoever my next lover is  i have long hoped that person would be my muse. that if we coupled and it stuck, that i could photograph it.

otherwise. what’s the point.

there are then men who read my blog. they want to meet me. they decide that I am interesting or fascinating or brave. or they want to befriend me, while they have seen me very nude, and masturbating. the framing for a meet is different.  it’s going to be a tryst.  it’s going to be sexual, it’s something we don’t tell anyone about or photograph, and its not necessarily a circumstance where someone is going to know or get or inquire about the real me.or for that matter…have time for me. i am entertainment. peripheral.

this is simply my experience,

i am not complaining. i am speculating.

the tryst. while rather exciting in it’s moment

tends to then fall flat.

it has no room to blossom or become

i want to see you are empty statements

placating

and untrue.

well, perhaps the desire is there. the reality has no truth.

don’t say what you don’t mean.

or can’t bring to fruition i say.

the meet is taking. self serve.

perhaps that’s what trysts are.

i ache always for more.

perhaps that’s an issue.

it’s been forever now that i’ve dealt with either circumstance

may be forever that I ever will.

which way would it be best for you to know me?

i love this very moody self portrait taken in the home i lost. 

 

 

 

Do I Ever Wonder?

do you ever wonder how many cocks have been smacked around to your blog photos?”

hmmmmmmm what a question.

am I here on purpose to provide visuals for men to masturbate to?

I AM NOT

What started one way naively became something else.

Happy accident I guess.

if you are a cock smacker when here, then lucky you.

I get that there is over a decade of anonymously nude images that perhaps imply something of a sexual nature.

i am not by any means a heavily trafficked feed at Flickr. I do find some of my stats interesting though

my feed has had 18 MILLLION views

my most popular post has had

71, 549 views

238 likes

and 104 comments.

is that good?

does that  mean there is lots of cock smacking on flickr??

i have a 52 page word document of praise 52 pages!!! and some of that praise includes declarations of cock smacking.

perhaps all of that is flattering somehow.

i ask this…

what do i do with that all that oooh baby sex talk, the often vulgar adoration, those super gross tributes and dick pictures?

because none of that does a thing for me. sexually anyway.

what do other almost 60 year old women that you know do?

I am not complaining

i am not explaining

i guess i am simply commenting on the question asked

( taken in 2010 i believe – they are a tad dark. pre-lightroom. couch surfing dream couch, so folks said. i have been thinking about and missing a couch. ) 

 

 

Uneventful Yet Lovely

my birthday was rather uneventful. mostly self realized. yet lovely.  the right people made the right gestures. as did some folks I never hear from. which I think is rather nice.

i asked for things i wouldn’t normally buy for myself, and got a few of them. enough to feel an indulgence. all in all. it was a very nice day. i got myself a piece of mocha chocolate cake that had me moaning – that’s the purpose of a good piece of cake. yes? . i was gifted a volume of onions and garlic that had me decide to make myself a french onion soup. good bread, cheese and wine must accompany. I got a local cheese and bread. I wish i could do that more often. Buy from food artisans. Alas. Not on my budget.

I invited a few to share in this bday meal with me, but after the third no. I gave up. Not because folks have other plans on a week night. More so. I didn’t feel like the kerplunk of another no was very celebratory.

a few birthday wishes from here found me. thank you for that.

there was the good company of my cat.

some of you don’t really give a shit about my cat.

but that’s your problem.

she’s been a source of a lot of laughter for me

and more cuddles than i’ve known from a human in some time.

she smells good and vibrates.

i am tired.

sometimes that tired

takes me to numb.

 

In Case You Thought I Was Weird

this happened 12 years ago.

the entity came to me in the middle of the night.

it did not ask permission to touch me.

but it did.

the entity took.

in essence it was like rape.

however giving and adoring,

it took and

it left me shaken.

shaken i tell you.

there is a part of me that says it was a dream.

i dream vividly. and often. i remember my dreams

but a part of me that knows the physical potential of an entity

and thinks perhaps this was a spiritual lover.

weird. i know

but if you have known of entities before ….

not so weird.

the details are extremely sexual.

arousing, physically palpable, the attention left me breathless.

imagine that you are asleep.

you are awakened by kisses and gentle caresses

still in a sleep daze

the attention becomes more sexual

finger probing

oral

sexual and very pleasuring.

except noone is physically there.

your imagination can not fill in the blanks that have left you

remarkably aroused,

i would then awake, breathless with my legs splayed open

hungry

it happened over and over

for months.

it got to the point where i said

no.

i said, i don’t know who you are

you do not have my permission

to touch me.

i do not want you to do this.

it scared me.

to frame where my heart and mind were at the time.

my nest was about to be empty.

financially I was going to hit a brick wall

i had lost use of my right hand

my adrenals were fatigued.

this fatigue showed up

in my body.

physical manifestation of…

i was completely falling apart

my second marriage was ending.

betrayal in many many forms are what ended it.

i was the victim of maliciousness.

sociopathic.

i felt embarrassed by its failing. he fooled many. so so many. i was a fool

i felt mortified about being single again

i did not believe that i was of value

as a person

or as a woman

i felt a loss in my life

like a grief so crushing

that i lost a good portion of time

to tears.

and an inability to cope.

at the time i lived in a magical attic apartment of a queen anne victorian home

the energy in the space was kind.

visually magical.

crooked in a vintage way that pleased me.

like syrup on a plate of pancakes would pool on one side of the plate crooked.

i loved that apt.

that place was also a transition place

for all the things mentioned above.

this was two years before i bought my first home.

many many things to get to the other side of at that time

this was the year i lost 100lbs.

my nude photography began here,

in therapy, i did not have to defend the reality of this creature who touched me

i did not have to justify

i did not have to explain

i did have to be real though

about how violated i felt.

and,

that the patterns of my life

include many many who TAKE.

my therapist suggested that i shift the taking feeling

to one of adoring.

that i was attractive

and adored.

fair.

and so.

i affirmed my …me, myself and I

as beautiful.

a self worth practice

that I have instilled ever since.

i am affirmed of that beauty

by adoring fans here.

even if who i was 12 years ago

is different.

very different then who i am now.

and even if my self confidence is low.

these are not the best images.

i was just figuring out this little digital camera

which later,

if you recall. i dropped

and it died.

now, the light in this place would have offered some magic for self captures.

a good portion of these belongings are now long gone. sold. memories.

my breasts don’t look like this anymore either. this was my very first nude capture.

what a memory.

 

 

 

 

I Can Feel It

one can literally feel the holiday weekend vibe,

the wanting for time off

extra time

its like folks have checked out of this entire week 

not much happening here

just i, myself and me.

long list of art making

i have a day trek by myself on saturday.

asked way too many to come along

folks are busy.

always busy. 

below — a year ago. not much nudity.  i was frustrated because i had finally met mr montana — and after that long wait and weird meet, there was no real follow up. he had a great time when we met speaking for hours about anal sex, he at least told me that. when i did hear back he was busy he said. if he was disinterested, why not say so. i don’t get it. 

i am good, so they say,  at turning day to day into a visual narrative. one thing i have observed. i gravitate towards the same day to day. my safety. my sense of order. my ordinary. this collection of dishes was for a baked pasta dish of sorts. i love the blast of the blue bowl.

did i tell you i no longer eat cheese or have half and half. have not had them since 5/9  sigh/  i thought i might die without those things. but, i am just out of my mind bored. my food life at the moment is way too regimented

two years ago. i was packing. things were pretty grim because i had no place to go. i was researching living out of my car. try that idea on sometime. i do remember the yellow of that tree. three of them on that property. they were intoxicating. spring bright.

 

 

 

Skanky

it was going to be skanky

lodgings, ride to and from the airport and parking.

super cheap.

i’ve seen skank before

stayed in skank a few times

upon arrival…

yup.

definitely skanky

it was 3 am when i finally got there

delayed flight

monkey in the middle coach seat.

even though i was promised a window seat.

ugh

my bag got bumped to be checked in

specific turbulence. seat belts on

not even a drop of water was offered until 2 hours into the flight

i ate a cliff bar for dinner

got confused in the bowels of baggage claim

i was at ramp 1.

the bags were at ramp 16.

lost an hour.

my feet hurt.

the man checking in before me was homeless

a he/she hooker wearing white vinyl go go boots. a really really bad blonde wig, clearly sporting a boob job and sporting some very tight pants. he she had a nice package. it was working the side walk. prancing up, prancing forth

the king size bed was a cot.

not a bed.

a thin, almost military mat was what i was going to sleep on

it was harder than a rock

too firm is a thing.

the shower turned on, but never produced water.

i could hear it. and then it dripped. nothing more

i could not get it to turn off.

little baby cockroaches on the window ledge

i wanted to run hot forceful water over my feet.

not gonna happen here.

the lamp with it’s mandatory lampshade seam facing forward.

the heat had a serious roar

it muffled the clank of hooker he she outside

i slept in my clothes.

someone forgot to clean the mirror.

where is my armpit hair.

it’s thinned.

i had noticed a coffee hut down the street

the barista was wearing a bikini

it had he parts and she parts too

all the rage perhaps?

too much information

on 6 hours of sleep

my last cliff bar was my breakfast

not going to do skank again.

nope nope nope

my trip was awesome, a gift

short. full, and meaningful

my cat was happy to see me

 

 

 

 

Classic Nude

very difficult to get this with the dumb “one shot at a time” timer

these did make laugh whilst taking them at least.

i like the headless one best

i am having good days and bad days

today was a good day.

a full with ideas for what is next sortof day.

tomorrow i get to sort the details of it all.

i feel the moon this cycle in a very vibrant way

she is also encouraging me to take in more sleep.

thank you