my art is narrative.
my photography and art making are story telling.
i am a gifted visual artist
I have a way with words
so i am told.
to tell the story that is now. i find myself tongue tied.
like perhaps the tale is not particularly pretty or sexy or erotic, or that there isn’t much of a story to tell, or that i am a downer.
thats a lot of “or”
i know i am downer, who am i fooling
i still get private messages that are kind, or playful, or a gift, or someone will encourages me, or my blog gets high traffic like today. ( woot )
i could think that happens because I am loved.
and that’s pretty wonderful.
the reality is most who come here have lives and commitments that do not include me.
vested interests are elsewhere.
i am pretty sure many who come here are simply looking to whack off.
but hey, if you are seeking something other than that.
i might want to know.
which gets me to the point of this post.
what makes the image posted below a delicious visual story?
this is a very beautiful, very “me” capture.
this image is what makes this blog. what made this blog?
( image by K Smith for anonymously nude )
this was taken on a crisp sunny bright winter late afternoon. near valentines day. 2011. My hair is almost all silver now. geeesh. i had just completed an email exchange with a consistent and attentive male. after the email i felt aroused. not all fans arouse me. i have to feel a trust somehow. i have to be attracted to that person. chemistry plays a role. even in a virtual way
consistent because he was there, day in day out. attentive in that he paid attention to the details. he remembered the little things. he paid attention to the me in the equation. he knew what to say.
i took this image because i felt i had a valentine. it was fantasy, but in that moment. I was his and He was mine.
this man was married, a father, an employee at a corporate job, yet he found a way to have time for me, to validate me. the word validate is the difference between the very hot sexy excited me then, and the broken me now.
one can not look this way ( or like this image ) alone. this image is the product of two.
i don’t subscribe to the you don’t need someone else to validate you …just validate yourself!!
i am better when i have someone paying attention to me.
an erotic capture like the above?
now, as the story goes
i no longer held the sexual attention of this man,
he was there for the arousal
he had needs that i was not willing to provide.
i could never really have him. loyal that he was to his marriage.
we both felt frustrated.
i was there for the kindness. i was there for the attention.
perhaps i didn’t mind the bit of self touch
on the side.
there is of course way more to the story, and the volume of them from that time.
NINE years ago.
THIS narrative however is an OLD story.
i don’t look like this now.
self touch was brand new then.
now, masturbation is pretty down and dirty.
i self love to get a desperate release.
it’s not particularly fun anymore
the attention/validation person/s
is/are long gone now.
i am different now.
there is no two to the equation.
i am not willing to play that way now.
all of it is rather sad.
don’t ya think??
i will visually share the bright and shiny old me
so as to not disappoint you with the now me.
i say this not for self pity.
i am trying to find the words
that describe what’s different.
who i am now
is not who I was then.
i think the images do it better than I do.
not sure who i am right now.
that might be the truth right there.
( images by K Smith for anonymously nude )
P.S. Sold this heart photograph yesterday. Just in time for Valentines Day. May yours be filled with love.