lets see if any of you read this
recent posts have offered a variety of talking points
conversations aren’t happening.
whatever happened to conversations?
a certain someone needs to be heard.
sometimes fans reach out to me and get personal.
they then imply that we will meet.
in theory. why not meet?
i’ve met a few of you over this last decade.
in hindsight, not sure i should have…
further commentary on that …complicated. my part of it included.
the flurry of meeting was lovely. romantic. and indulgent.
the truth is most men are really not in a position to make a meet happen.
or more importantly they can not sustain a meet once it’s occurred
reasons for that lack of ready might include: uh – married, so so very many of you are married, financially not able – since meeting is at your expense, or the real reason: lack of intention.
this lack of intention i further describe as placating
as telling or saying what one thinks i want to hear.
men will say anything to have sex with me.
am I being arrogant in saying this??
or can the truth of it resonate?
men say to themselves. “give me some of that”
i fall sometimes for the idea of meeting.
of having the attention i deserve
the feeling of cherish
the excitement of it all.
vs the reality.
the reality is something very different.
i am thinking at the moment of this writing of one very particular man.
i liked his appearance.
i liked his mind.
i liked how he paid attention to me.
he got me.
he knew which buttons to push.
he was sexy and he knew it.
i wanted to meet him.
he said he wanted to meet me.
In the throws of it all
my MIND met him in a variety of circumstances.
the fantasy of which
was delightful in one breath.
and, not so delightful in another.
i felt frustrated by what i couldn’t have.
i can’t go into a fantasy without visual appeal
i have taken up with a man or two and didn’t give their appearance much thought.
they were kind, and attentive to me.
they wanted to meet me.
i want folks to try me on.
i feel we should give others a chance.
they were very disappointed when I wasn’t attracted upon meeting them.
which felt pretty awful for both of us.
now, i think it’s of value to have a vetting process.
my fans say that they are very attracted to me.
even without my sharing my face.
you tell me that my images provoke.
men say they fantasize about me all the time
men imagine themselves with me
within my photography.
which i appreciate hearing actually
or they tell me that my images are fodder for masturbation.
( none of you use fodder and masturbation in the same sentence. )
it’s to be expected i guess. after all i am nude. online!!
for me in reverse so to speak, it’s not your dick/cock that i want to be a part of.
( if i had a dollar for all the men that send me images of their anatomy. i’d have no financial problems )
UGH. please don’t do that.
again, do not send me images of your anatomy.
your hard whatever is the last thing I want to see.
i want to see YOU. your eyes, your lips, your hands. a beard and mustache if you have one…the shoes you are wearing.
show me something that that i can be drawn to
and then it’s your mind that i fall for.
how you GET me.
how you treat me.
what you are curious about.
how you desire me.
and then it’s WHO you are in the world.
are you up to something or are you bored and apathetic?
often the above goes to a sexual place.
makes sense when all the pieces are there.
i can’t really do the sex thing all by itself these days.
not like i use to.
it’s not enough
sex is not enough.
a connection that cares.
or a connection that can sustain a care.
in their own way.
how they act on it is…
well, it’s what it is.
or isn’t. mostly.
i’ve said fleeting many times here.
men come and go.
whhhhooosh they are in touch, enthusiastically.
and then poof. they are gone. as quickly as they reached out to me.
most simply don’t have time for me.
or the energy.
or the reality.
most are not looking for something personal
they want something distracting. entertaining. immediate
they are hungry in their own way.
a meet. a real one?? shifts things.
a meet makes it real.
or if when we meet and it is in our minds
its a fantasy.
The plane was delayed. The airport was bustling. Around me the mix of people swarmed accordingly. some coming, some going. many arriving, more just getting to the next place. a blur. Airports are probably my most favorite people watching place. It’s how I survive the waiting. I make up stories about the folks before me. I began people watch story making as a young girl. I spent way too much time in airports. There goes mr and mrs green. here comes sir tall, flower dress lady has too much makeup on. oh, look…those two are kissing again. how lovely they are. i’ve never written my narrative down in the midst of a wait. perhaps i should sometime. i have had a banter with another or two where we narrate together. mr tall is nervous i say, the other then says, the battery on his phone died. he’s sweating i say, he needs another coffee the other adds. And so it goes.
I am meeting a stranger at the airport today. a handsome stranger. and I am very nervous. I told him to be in the moment when we meet. To pocket his cell phone and let the meet be. I don’t need to know you are getting off the plane. I will be there to meet you. Just know that I am waiting. I find the management of a phone and travel frustrating. I get that they can be useful. I completely get that. I just find them distracting. Folks forget to simply be. The plane will land. You will get off the plane and I will be there to meet you. I am a person of my word.
90 minutes later the arrival is announced. He is here. Oh my gosh he is here! I position myself out of the way, but stand in a place where I hope to be the first person you see once you walk into the arrival area. One by one others arrive. Delays make many anxious. Connections are now altered.
I see you first. Sauntering, casual, tossled hair…you are good looking. I like that. you look for me. I like that too. Our eyes meet. You stop. We grin as wide as grins can be. A pause in time. A moment for sure. You step up your pace. I feel a blush coming on as you near. You notice. and you say, oh my gosh you are blushing! I say, I am!! I then say HI there! You say HI. Your eyes are bright and warm. Inviting. Your right hand reaches for the hair at the base of my neck, you are taller then i expected, you smell of gum. and you pull me to you. you whisper in my ear. you are beautiful, you say. you are so beautiful. you’ve taken my breath away. You see me struggling as to what to say next. you kiss me. gently. lip to lip. touch. want, curious. i feel all of you near me, the kiss finds its way to hungry. Our lips are a good fit. I tremble. You say, wow. I grin. you grin back. we hold on to each other.
in my fantasy, i replay the kiss over and over and over. in my collection of fantasies, there are lots of kisses. in my memory of real meets, those kisses get replayed in my mind as well.
what a goof i am. what a hopeless romantic.
some kisses don’t make the instant replay. those kisses are not memorable. i hate that. some men are very good at replicating that first kiss. it’s like they get that a first kiss is worth repeating. i once met a man, older than I who had never kissed someone before. i was an eager lover back then. he said are all women this enthusiastic about kissing. I said, i have no idea. you tell me. this is when i found out he was a virgin. many years later he will tell me. a man always remembers their first time. You were that first for everything for me