sometimes a blog post topic/idea will circle the drain of my brain and write and write and write itself into my subconscious mind. this is one of those topics.
each night before i go to sleep i hear the crunching of my cat having a little midnight snack. every single night. i sometimes find myself smiling. as a little girl my mother would have her bath. the sound of water filling the tub was what I fell asleep to.
i never thought about routine and the sameness of it. i just lived it. we all do.we all have the way we do things. i never bothered to observe my sameness.
last year was the year of boundaries for me. big, deep, emotional, NO – i don’t think so boundaries. those choices may have isolated me even more in my already I am really alone in the world
that said, i just wrote about my year 2019 in review and i gotta tell ya
for a socially phobic, almost 60, poor, bearded creative
i am one up to something lonely person.
perhaps when all is said.
what i do in the sameness of it all
besides being THE vehicle for coping.
perhaps it’s the fuel i thrive on.
give me my space.
when I divorced my first husband i was in a transition phase of my life. i went from wife and mom to single mother and self employed. my idea of the world/persons reliable completely shattered. 18 years in, i lost the man i thought was my life partner, and the family i had become a part of – they, his siblings etc were very mean to me in the end.
the phrase its up to me, its up to me, its up to me. rattled inside my brain. i had two little ones that counted on me in an everything sortof way. i cant say this felt like burden, it never did. more so it felt like an i’ve got this, but a lot like holy shit.
i was introduced to a technique called the week at a glance. it was about creating your perfect day. i am not about creating a perfect anything. perfect is really not the word i mean. more so it’s how to create a day or a week that works for me. i took this technique on with great earnest and sincerity. i utilize this premise even now.
it’s about your day to day and how one can manage it. it’s not about what others expect, although for some life circumstances it is. it’s about what you want. out of each and every day of the week.
with that technique comes rules. MY rules. Back then it’s how i organized my family life, my in home business life. it’s how i made sense of it all somehow. my kids really took to it. and later when they got older they applied the same technique to fuller personal schedules. a life skill.
some of my rules today make me laugh. these few in particular amuse others.
- i dont do mornings.
- i dont do mondays
- i brunch.
some call them quirks.
there are so many.
recently i spoke with the owner of a gift shop. he shared a story about his bar stool. the place he sat. every single night for over 20 years. a bit i guess like the tv show cheers. while the neighborhood pub has its charm. only before marriage did i ever frequent one. i take that back. i did go on friday nights to a bar during my first divorce. briefly. i enjoyed that actually. in current times though?? i don’t frequent anywhere. ever. regularly. except for galleries and the burger place i go to twice a year when I trek to the dentist. i want to be a local consumer. a treasured customer. a loyal sort. but i don’t get out that much. this last year i got to evaluate why.
this shop owner shared that he had quit his bar stool. not for the sake of sobriety. but more so for the time in the evenings he missed for other things. reading, chores, creative endeavors. he said he wasted those years on that bar stool. he defined himself by that stool. and lost himself to the blur of cocktails every night. he did decide not to drink. he said it was to let go of the habit of it not because it was a problem. to me, if someone drinks every single day. that’s more than a habit. don’t get me wrong. not judging. i love drinking, i just don’t live to drink. i like it socially. its entertaining. i think i had something to drink last around christmas.
which brings me back to sameness. i have plenty of sameness
we are all perhaps
when we co-mingle it – it gets so very complicated. would you agree? the older i get, the more set in my sameness i become. and i don’t fucking care either.
( image set is from JAN 2015)
i was losing my home, purging my belongings at a high pitch, i was seeing mr cowboy and preparing to move in with him. sigh. i did have a rather adventurous nude photography show at a gallery that month. and took an image enroute to that show that later would be the most expensive photograph i’ve ever sold. i also did some project work with a food truck.