I’ve Been There

the hardest part about being alone

or lonely

or without “that person”

is remembering

when i did.

i have had a great many

in my life.

that really wanted me.

they couldn’t stop thinking about me

i’ve had them call

or write

i’ve been surprised by them.

courted.

i have been adored

i’ve had men make love to me and mean it.

i know exactly what i am missing.

something happened along the way.

i couldn’t get a decent date

relationship had fallen out of fashion.

both sexes began to retreat. detach. or become apathetic

soon it was either lets be friends with benefits.

or we can be friends.

or more so,

lets just get laid.

i tried that on.

the sex only gig.

a flurry of men

for fuck sake

and nothing more.

what an empty and shallow thing.

what a waste of my great mind, my wild laugh and my creative brilliance.

and then, recent life happened

and i broke.

if someone approached me now for sex? lusted for me?

i couldn’t do it.

i wouldn’t even want to

writing that?

thinking that.

remembering when someone wanted me?

breaks my heart into a million pieces

Miss This

multiple dates in a row was not part of what i knew

weekends were the hardest before we met.

yup. i get to now do that weekend alone thing.

shit.

~~

when i left for my residency,

he awaited my return.

another i didn’t know.

when i first began to photograph myself

i was the unknown

my parts

my curves

my hair

and when looking evolved

i asked myself

well gosh what does that look like?

a reveal of a breast

a gift someone sent me adorned.

self touch.

i was seeking to understand my appeal.

i see it.

if i am so f-ing appealing

what has me here.

again.

by myself.

~~

capturing mr cowboys and my kisses

was about seeing what tenderness and attraction looked like.

does this look as gorgeous as it feels.

this was maybe our 4th date, right after I returned.

we were still awkward.

new.

the weather was shifting

as it is now,

a year-ish later.

this was early morning

romantic

sweet

and warm.

shit.

i miss this.

 

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