Sure There Is A Wish List

well, my car isn’t in need of repair.

and the remarkable and generous canon s90 gift from a year ago is still perfect.

i am not in distress about where i am living.

my third lease now secured.

bit by bit. $10 dollars in an envelope here, and there…my 3 biggest pending annual bills are saved up for.

except for my flickr renewal.

even though my income was dramatically lower this past year

i feel abundance.

what a wonderful thing to be able to say!!

what might help me as far as holiday gifting :

new linen for my bed.

mattress cover

towels. 3 sets. ( less time doing laundry)

funds for: art supplies, art show fees, shipping art fees. matts size 5×7, thread

funds for: grocery stock. my budget goes way off track when i have to stock up on basics.

sewing lessons.

clothing

shoes. its a year into the shoe project. we are not quite there yet. lots of pain. looks as of the sandal gift while very cushy may be causing knee torque. next appointment. february.

its been interesting to hear what your favorite images are from 2019

 

The Nap

the sky was bleak when i awoke and it remained dim into the afternoon.

lifeless and bored.

not an invitation into the day.

instead, a day of retreat.

the sort of day lap blankets were made for.

in the afternoon i slipped under the covers nude and settled into an immediate nap

the kind that has one lose a few hours

the kind that has one awake drooling

wondering what day it is.

the kind of nap you wish you could put on instant replay.

the cat nestled soundly in the crook of my knees, her motor of a purr idling

she knows better to settle on my feet.

i was reading a really good book

but for all of me, i could not keep my eyes open.

can’t even recall the last i took an afternoon nap.

i will eat potstickers tonight.

the kind in a bag. frozen, that one can boil or fry

i boil and sit them in a pool of sesame oil, and tamari, perhaps some red chili paste

i will regret not having sesame seeds,

but a bit of shredded carrot and green onion will help.

the fridge is almost empty. again.

the pork in these pot stickers is meager but spiced well. they are the good kind that i pay a little bit more for.

at least i won’t have too many dishes to do.

i am out of foodness that entertains me

albeit there is a new jar of peanut butter.

and an apple left.

i was thinking more of the happy hour amusement

the thing i don’t need, but enjoy and try and enjoy especially during a holiday

i try and remind myself that perhaps its festive. perhaps i am having fun now.

did you have fun?

the cheap frosted cookies with sprinkles on top will offer the same sort of amusement at christmas.

i put two on a little fancy glass plate.

but i will always eat two more.

because i can.

because growing up we were only allowed two cookies and i always always wanted more.

i keep telling myself to make a trip to the place where I can purchase thin lemon wafers to have with an afternoon tea, but i know better to begin a habit like that.

i hate going to that store for just a single item. add that the parking lot is unbearable. claustrophobic, and moody. like the worst parking lot ever.

i go when someone treats me. when i can buy more of said items than one, making the trip somehow more bearable.

perhaps i could marinate some cucumber and onion for a little salad with my potstickers.

unless this new customer buys from me tomorrow i will have to let go of my status for work. i am beginning to wonder if holding onto the status makes for a stress on my life that I can shift.

it will make december a tough cash month. in theory my fat november secured all that i needed in a obligatory holiday way. at least to me.

i am already done sending gifts of love off this past monday, and greetings of a sort to others this past friday.

it’s the little extra that I won’t have.

for the happy hours and cookies on a plate.

if i stay where i am living now until i die

i am not sure who will be the person who finds me.

its very quiet here. no bustle, no noise of another’s TV, no chatter even in the hall, and i love this part of where i live deeply. if those noises were around me, i’d be in a mood that would make noone want to be around me. i hate noise.i thrive on the quiet.

i wish to die in my sleep much like the nap i had today

where i can’t keep my eyes open a moment longer and where the cozy of the covers

gifts an indescribable joy.

i won’t know who finds me, will I.

i won’t care either.

wonder why i care so much about it now.

 

The Friday After

i grocery shopped monday.

i, like everyone else, blew off shopping on the weekend.

so, the store was stupid full of people,

the store added more inventory so the aisles were more stupid full of all you need for turkey, buy buy buy …stupid

the look on folks faces was one of both panic and ….wait for it, stupid!!!

i needed everything, so i knew I was stupid and it was going to be a long or at least 90 minute shop

add another hour to that.

2 1/2 hours. yup.

and i could only blame myself for waiting until monday.

so… i donned my imaginary big wide brimmed “i am very patient” hat.

and just tried to be nice. what else can you do??

in the spirit of people watching.

a few stood out.

a few who had either a spirit of kindness about them,

or that fuck you get out of my fucking way i need a fucking turkey spirit.

i perused their carts. overflowing, and made up a story about them.

the fuck you dude was wearing a suit. we don’t get a lot of suits in this store. just sayin …

i think he was shopping for his mother. what he had in his cart did not look like him.  i saw him think really hard about buying flowers. he stood considering them for a very very long while. when he picked them up, I thought way to go dude in the suit. someone will feel that long thought. that decision to get. he will brighten someone’s day with those flowers.

the gal who almost needed two carts was i think a mom, or a seriously generous sister or aunt to folks with kids. her cart was piled so high she could barely see over it. she was pretty, dressed smart and rather funny in the way she shopped. she caught me staring at her. i made a recommendation, and then made her really laugh. and then I had to apologize because I almost cried. that sortof cry that comes from the relief of a good laugh. shit. there i am the bearded lady in the grocery store. sobbing. note: i didn’t cry in the grocery store. but i was close.

i did cry earlier though. i mailed off some holiday packages. with a great sense of pride actually because i had saved all year so that i could send something off to the few in my life that i want to gift to. just 3 packages. but i filled them with love. from me. which i haven’t been able to do in a long while. one of the items i sent was “smoked salt”. don’t laugh. if i sent you salt. you would thank me. kid you not.

anyway, earlier i had to parallel park. i can. i am not afraid or avoid that type of parking, i just take my time when i do it. a dude behind me waited. he then stopped next to me with a huge grin on his face and gestured a thumbs up. not an asshole thumbs up, but a real genuine thumbs up. like way to go nice parking job lady thumbs up. it was a gesture from a perfect stranger that caught me completely by surprise.  I totally lost it. big tears down my cheeks, head down on the steering wheel. shoulders shaking. sobbing. which actually felt really good.

i looked like a train wreck going into the very crowded post office and found i was shaking. emotional release and all.  i thought. you are loved somehow. in this world that you do all by yourself. people love you.

perhaps you recall a year ago. my bearded face and i were acknowledged by a room full of strangers. i unanimously won the people’s choice award. it took every single part of me not to lose it in front of that crowd of people who affirmed my courage and my gumption to grow the hair out on my face. pretty great shit.

i am in a mood today because i feel like i FINALLY have found some peace around the topic of solo and holiday. i finally get how to have it be mine. to own it.

when folks ask – any special plans for thanksgiving?? ( the very worst question someone can ask a lonely person quite truthfully ) 

i get to say. “NO. not a single plan, isn’t that wonderful?? I have a new book, and some great meals I plan to make and nowhere to go. It’s perfect!!” 

and it was!!

i had the best day!!

all by myself.

well, me and my cat.

i think i get it now. i get how to do holiday and be completely free around the entire hoopla of it.

where 10 years ago, i felt it. empty nest felt it. new, in a new town in a new house. new. alone. oppressively alone. felt it.  i wasn’t a stranger to not having my children with me, they defaulted to their fathers side of the family for all holidays many years before. we found our way to do celebrations but as they grew older. i was last in the family equation. and i felt it.

i am not sure why this year feels like an “i’ve got this” epiphany. but it does.

i was just having a flashback to the horror of two years of holiday and the meals served from the extended family of mr cowboy. how can anyone ruin a turkey dinner? powdered potatoes in a plastic lined crock pot…..are you kidding me???

 

 

Cozy Corner

thought i’d post something current for a change.

its thanksgiving.

i wish yours to be filled with longer hugs, and kindness.

today it is bleak, rainy and moody.

it is rather drafty in my cozy corner.

on the other side of the chair is the only space heater for the place.

before i forget.

YES. YES. YES. I am definitely accepting donations to fund a replacement car. I hope to have a budget of funds to work with by the end of december.

I have a PO Box where cash can be sent. just ask me for the address please.

THANK YOU SO much for the concerns you have written to me.

I am a tad over my head in this car not repairable circumstance.

back to my studio….

I had a light fixture overhead.

what came with the place so to speak,

but there seems to be a short in it.

so i am using this little lamp.

which isn’t quite right.

but for now.

it will do.

i have not expounded too much here about my landlord.

lets just say.

he’s a piece of work.

i have a notebook of things he’s done. or hasn’t done.

i am not an orphan today.

and i am bringing the cranberry relish.

that’s it.

made it the day before last.

let it macerate …

i don’t have to cook.

something about that is very wonderful.

i am THIS close to going back to bed.

  1. because i can.
  2. because i feel like being naked under the covers.
  3. because there is a rodent in the walls who likes to chew at night and i am not sleeping well.  not kidding. such is country living.img_7153 img_7155 img_7156

 

Seasonal Goodness

at christmas time last year, i threw on a bit of red for a blast of seasonal goodness for mr cowboy.

they, meaning those red panties, or any panty for that matter, usually don’t stay on for very long.

helped a friend purge this last week.

phase III

the chaos we created was a tad intense.

the purging was eventful.

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Merry Red And Greenness

it’s the friday before

it’s much ado

tis the season

and

ho ho ho ness

not always a great time of year for some.

years past, many years actually found this time of year pretty brutal for me

sometimes i choose to steep and wallow in alone.

it was often too intense.

it included lots of spiked egg nog.

not my normal source of entertainment

sometimes it included desperate pictoral essays

she, anonymously nude

alone in the cavern of her shower

in candlelight.

oh dear.

a friend

recently single

is hurting.

we spoke this morning

and i thought,

gosh i so know this.

my heart ached for her.

along the way

i found the other side

by finding my own way to be alone beautifully.

MANY of you here, fans, followers, commenters and friends

really kept me alive and sane.

you looked at me with adoring and encouraging eyes

and you urged me to continue to be here.

you are truly a source of joy.

i say this with every part of me.

your gifts, your smiles, your hard ons – and i say that affectionately because your telling me that i am a source of visual pleasure for you really flatters me.

i am honored that you are here with me tried and true

so

may this post find you enjoying the twinkle of red and greenness

its funny to me that this combination of colors is everywhere right now and it makes me smile

on december 26th the meaning of red and green is gone.

i like it here and now.

i have my kids around me this year,  and i have a man also with me to celebrate holiday

it’s been since 2007.

wow.

the man part feels so out of place right now

i am trying to ride out what i am treasuring the most about knowing him

his adoration, his tenderness and his super wide smile

i feel like a million when i am around him

and when i am not around him it feels confusing and complicated.

me thinks it’s best to focus on the feeling like a million.

a very very merry merry to you!!

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Holiday Past 2010

Merry Merry from 2010!