A Tone Of Sorts

gee, 5 years already.

today marks an anniversary

i got dumped on this day.

such a mix of i really knew better and this isn’t working reality

but shit, i so didn’t have a plan.

just weeks prior

these images were taken.

i don’t know how these happened

actually.

he was not easy to work with in this way.

participating within my creative ideas and all.

these are a vibrant set of images

that i really love.

perhaps he was enjoying himself too?

the tone of them is immediate.

as circumstances go it was a long weekend

my standing in the doorway shirtless would otherwise have not have been a thing to do.

today.

for fun, or to honor said five years – i removed him, leaving just his hand.

a ceremony of sorts.

creative ceremony

with a bit of fuck you on the side.

felt demonstrative to do that.

i like them even more.

in things pandemic

these images sure resonate with the word TOUCH

or 

the lack of.

or in my case, the lack of.

since leaving him. 

forever ago.

i feel like screaming TOUCH ME from the roof tops.

an ache that is rattling inside me.

i know you feel that too.

i sometimes feel the weight of all of us missing normalcy.

as days go today

i am in a mood of sorts

distracted to derailed

to

i can’t remember the third “d” word.

angry. annoyed.

the top image with the doorknob is my very favorite.

 

 

 

 

It’s NOT awful

what if i said that living in times of pandemic isn’t awful

would that be a GASP of a comment?

what if all the alone that i know and that you endure with me

is in her element.

there i said it. i am actually content.

i may have to stay inside

as all of us have been called on to do

i do that anyway.

i have lived this isolated way for a long while now.

i know this life

I might be poor

i might be alone

but I HAVE
SO MUCH. 

there is content.

and there is gratitude.

2 years ago my building was painted. it went from this hideous red sortof color to a lovely bright white

i started calling it my ivory tower.

if my beard gets any longer

we could add the element of rapunzel to the mix

( ok that just seriously made me laugh )

and yes, i amuse me myself and i often.

a recent tarot card pull

found a woman holding a cat

wearing a very very tall dress

filled with hearts.

i saw myself in this card.

the cat lady in her tower.

the card made my laugh actually

it was so revealing

the card was about contentment.

it affirmed OK-ness.

such a simple thing

what sucks the life out of contentment

or being you in the matter

is comparing.

so and so does this.

so and so looks this way

so and so is in love.

If you let it

comparing messes with contentment

it calls out

on the MORE

BETTER

NOT good enough.

It messes with you.

I feel that.

i know those thoughts.

who cares what someone else is doing?

This does not include those I know that are so so very sick right now.

That part just envelopes me with an indescribable helplessness

I don’t know how to help.

and when we add that it’s wordly.

well, that’s a larger empathic swell.

it’s so so much bigger than me

The biggest lesson right now for me

is

I am OK.

I am good.

I am alone

and i am lonely

yet. that’s me.

right??

it’s what is so.

all said,

that does not mean i am FINE.

Fine is so. ORDINARY

Fine says nothing about how one is.

I am definitely not ordinary

( taken recently. i love them)

 

 

Chosen

there is something rather wonderful about being chosen.

200 artists submitted. each were allowed 8 submissions. I sent along 3. I just found out that one of them was selected by the jury. I am in the show. I am in the show!!

i notched up my printing decision on this piece. I chose a small shop local printer that I know will honor my privacy.  I am trying on an art paper that I’ve been curious about.

the price to print went up $6 higher than her original quote.  it’s pricy!

this happened yesterday with another show i am in and a matt quote. I had to pay $9 more. I sortof feel they should honor the former price quote.

I admire those in business for themselves offering specialty services.

It feels good to give them some of my business.

i am just horrified at how much it costs.

The final and MOST amazing layer to all of this is that I had a patron fund this project.

when you take the cost of the print, the frame and matt, and shipping. both ways

plus a gallery take if sold of 50%

it’s hard to really say that a sale is lucrative.

but thanks to the patron’s help.

IF I sell this. the profits will be mine.

I sold once before with this gallery.

which felt amazing.

anyway

here is the piece they chose.

I submitted this as my alter ego.

Opportunities to show nudity don’t come my way that often

but building up my K Smith artist name will be fun!

Just as a side. I am in day 15 of sick. 

 

Autumn 2014

halloween.

in my fantasies

halloween includes heaving breasts, no panties, sneaky kisses  and getting some.

that’s what costuming is for.

otherwise its some popular forced march that i never belonged to.

i’ve had good ideas for the party i have to go to

and feel once i am there like the douche bag/wall flower that i really am.

have i described myself that way before??

i can be brassy and bold

for a sec.

and then stupid peer whatever knocks me flat.

if i never participate in the parade known as halloween that’s OK.

FIVE years ago. i was getting laid. a LOT

i felt desired.

on the side. here, at flickr. there was other deliciousness happening

i was getting the attention i deserve.

perhaps that’s the difference to today.

the attention vessel is so very very empty.

on flickr a comment called me “a rider”

excuse me?

REad my “about”.

it’s not all about the pictures asshole.

or perhaps it is.

these pictures were taken in the house i lost

i hate the farmers tan.

not a fan of the belly.

but i remember feeling great arousal.

i remember thinking someone would like these

i remember photographing myself here.

probably the same pants i had on last post.

i miss the wet

the want

the attention.

in the same week, a very hot image of mr cowboy and I.

i was on the counter. legs spread, there was rum

and levi’s.

damn

strange day today.

something pretty wild happen

unexpected.

it may not all pan out

but the tone of the day altered because of it.

 

 

1452

This will be my fourteen hundred and fifty second time

that

i’ve added a new post here.

wow.

i guess thats a good thing.

not doing so good at the moment

underestimated the amount my check

was going to be

by about 4%.

it’s better than not making quota of the month prior.

yet

it’s just enough to be shy

of what i need to get to the next pay check

by about $200.

there is nothing, not even a jar of change

to enjoy the upcoming holiday season.

ugh.

it’s going to be a very very long month ahead.

food

gas

$ for cards/stamps – holiday greetings

$ for art supplies

was where some of those missing funds were going to be spent

if you want to help.

i’d be grateful.

not much has really shifted

since a year ago.

the memories are intense.

really intense.

a year ago was when my car died

remember?

these pictures were taken the day

i found out a patron had come forward

and i had the beginnings of a car fund.

hope.

the sun even came streaming in.

now that i no longer live

at the country studio?

i sortof wonder how i

got though these days.

i guess in memory

we can always see

to the other side of

most things.

it’s certainly not my nudity

that gets me through tough times

 

#05 KSmith Series

when assembling this album over at FLICKR I wrote that the reveal of my collage work is sometime more insightful than my nudes.

Should you care to give:

art magazine subscriptions/especially those with nudity

things you have lying around the house that i can tear apart: art magazines, nude photography magazines, erotic art etc – italian vogue for example are really fun, high end and often very avante-garde

PM me. and I will tell you were to send them.

below my birthday collage

for sale.8.5 x 11

$120 plus shipping. flat

one of a kind, never duplicated.

and so i can pay rent.

myself as a still life. yellow butterflies = death of a loved one to many a friend of mine, they – the butterflies are a symbol of life after death, i suppose a nude as a still life might be objectifying, but i think it’s like putting aging in a collection of what might be pleasing – taking a second look or just looking at what isn’t exactly the thing you want to see but you find beauty in it anyway – i do that in my home – visual celebrations i like to call them, they please my day to day. as i do with my self portrait photography.

i like the tension in this piece. its real.

 

 

Being Here Helps

each time a new patron decides to offer financial support the glee and the gratitude is pretty indescribable.  the fact that donations perpetuate sortof blows me away.

so yay to those who are participating. yay!

to offer some accountability. things are not going as i planned. if you say which plan ….that might be all of them. i have good intentions. and i get to the other side of everything that comes my way.

some folks methodically plan their life and that doesn’t work either, so in that regard, i am no different than any another

i walked into this with a risky idea

that idea is falling apart.

it has not completely fallen

but the tension is thick

and i am scrambling.

really scrambling.

i have especially felt this in the last weeks in a very emotional way

trying to stay positive is really hard

you being here with me helps

a LOT

thank you!

on the positive side, i hung a small show of photographs yesterday,  and I am preparing for a solo larger collage show to hang soon. this show i have prepared for since DEC. i am additionally  represented in 3 other venues  – all very good for my creativity resume!

i had an inquiry for a pair of panties. these usually don’t get taken seriously when they realize there is a fee …but if i did sell a pair, that would be the beginning of getting ahead vs being so so far far behind

the gallery i am making/starting/imagining…is eeking itself to a beginning with a rather slow start.

a frog was in my studio last night.

i went to get my camera to capture said frog

but by the time i went up the stairs and back

it had hopped along

frogs represent transformation

so

give me some of that please.

and i wonder where it went?

i mean seriously

it has to be in this apartment still


Practicing

my photography mentors have mentioned the value of a north window for great natural light. at this juncture i had yet to put an actual north window into application.

( since i have my very own north window. boy, do i get it now.)

Anyway i had a few silly ideas about some north window projects. i call these images practicing. i look dead. i seriously amused myself.

i have had one show sponsor come forward to help me.  have to say that’s pretty damn cool.  i am very very grateful.  what that means is that I have the entry fee. plus the means to produce one framed ready to hang nude. ( fine printing,frame, glass, and shipping )

for that single fee I can send in five entries. which i plan on doing.

right now though if more than one is accepted – i will only have the $ to send in one piece.

if you’d like to sponsor me – please let me know.

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This One Window Does The Trick

when a guy dumps you

and everyone around you

rudely says

told ya.

even though they were perhaps right,

one still feels two things;

foolish.

and

defensive.

foolish because in hind sight.

and there is always that.

you saw some of the red flags too

and you chose to ride them out.

to ignore,

or to see how it all works out.

be a human being about it.

i don’t remember a huge shift in behavior with my first husband when we lived together or when we got married, however when i had babies – everything shifted. i did have clues with him about many things all along. i just didn’t have the gumption then to act on them.

my second husband. different story.

mr cowboy.  man. it got weird very quickly

showed up in my photography.

starkingly relocated

and so

alone.

i sorted a huge selection of images from that time period into a folder that i have titled

reality.

not sure yet if i will share those or not.

but i look at them and i think

boy i so didn’t sign up for that.

so

what did i sign up for ??

if i speak to the topic simply

and not to defend.

i was in trouble.

he offered to help.

i needed the help and i liked his good company.

nothing more.

good company devolved, but that’s another story.

in the shift from my home

to the cave.

i felt like i lost myself for awhile.

but

my images

tell otherwise

i’m

here!

i am in the cave.

it’s dark

but this one window

does the trick.

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The Ghost Of House Sheers Past

it was a year ago this beauty of a home and it’s anonymously nudes humble beginnings went on the market.  the home offer, held up in the stupidity of paperwork was submitted a year later and the buyer walked away.  the right thing to do.  the wrong thing to move things onward ho.  in the midst of roommate-zilla hell another intake packet was re-created, lawyers bustling and a new offer. ten thousand less than the already low short sale offer was introduced. on the table we wait. 365 something something days later.  Upon leaving my bit of home ownership, my private light rich sanctity I did things to say good by, i straddled desks, I masturbated inside closets and danced around in window sheers. simply because i could.  a man from okcupid says he likes jangling natural not so even saggy breasts. i suppose thats a compliment. who knows anymore.  at the country studio the electricity runs on one central wall leaving a major outside wall with outlets that have no juice. the lamps in need of electricity stand unplugged. ripe for potential. at least this isn’t the cave.

IMG_8707 IMG_8708 IMG_8709 IMG_8717 IMG_8721