I’ve been wondering about GODDESS.
not woo woo goddess
not mystical goddess
or religious goddess.
at least literally.
i mean figuratively.
i mean the adored goddess
the old, fat, wise one.
and HER shape.
bear with me. pondering post ahead.
A goddess is a female deity. Goddesses have been linked with virtues such as beauty, love, sexuality, motherhood and fertility. They have also been associated with ideas such as war, creation, and death. In some faiths, a sacred female figure holds a central place in religious prayer and worship. ( wikipedia )
when you and i met
12 years ago.
TWELVE YEARS AGO!
i had just lost a bit of weight.
i can’t remember if i ever divulged how much weight i lost
when i began photographing myself here at anonymously nude
i had just lost 100 pounds.
i irst posted to show courage, and to understand what another sees.
the camera and my minds eye told two different stories
i found self love before self love was a hashtag
i LIKED what i was then.
in 2015, eight years later, a surge of unexplained weight gain occurred.
enough gain to scare me.
35 lbs in 30 days.
i blew up.
it felt like i blew up
the gain was like get to the dr scare me.
“you must be menopausal ” the endocrinologist said.
fast forward to now. 2020
all that weight. all those ONE HUNDRED POUNDS
UGH. it didn’t happen over night, the 2015 surge started it all …
recent dr work confirms – I don’t have cancer, or a brain tumor
but two years into figuring IT out
i can’t lose weight.
i’ve lost my knees, and my feet hurt
and my thighs are thick.
and my self love is
really hard to find the love
reasons why, like health reasons are still being explored.
BACK to goddess.
I began wondering about community
because to have that level of adoration one has to earn it.
bear with me.
i was back in town – the town i grew up in
on a break from school,
this guy from my grade school life
pumped my gas.
we talked for a really really long time
and he was a such delight.
like a guy i just wanted to hug.
and seeing him again and the feeling of our great conversation lingered
my growing up was detached from the community i lived in
he alone in those moments, made me feel like i belonged somehow.
and then he died. death by choking on his vomit death.
horrified. mortified. not even equipped to …
i didn’t have the f-ing guts to attend the funeral.
because if i did that would have meant that i was part of the community somehow.
i’ve never spoken about this.
i have been thinking about how i was raised.
my one sibling and i agree
we were not parented.
we made it up as we went along.
who influenced me???
definitely the mothers of my friends, the librarians – is that weird? i loved those ladies. I felt so welcome and loved at the library, the nuns? uh no? ( actually … i’d have to think hard about that one. what characters those nuns were. perhaps there is more influence than i give credit . different conversation)
MY POINT is in order to establish SELF AS GODDESS
one has to have a community who adores THEE.
perhaps that’s why i am here on the interweb.
is this why i’ve kept myself here?
This gets me to the history of where you didn’t belong
the million moves
the hyper focus of survival
the mortification of things failed
the make it up as you go along.
the WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU in the matter of.
ALL of this wondering was spired by a recent set of photos that
i see goddess in
SHE is in there.
why does said goddess have to be manifested in a physical form.
could my art, my thoughts and actions, could my knowledge be enough value?
somehow NOT rising to said goddess status feels way more authentic.
way more me.
way more earthly.
i mean, really who do i think i am anyway??
perhaps somewhere in the history of this blog there was that level of goddess adoration.
so much so, i felt assured and confident in that attention and in that following.
its so quiet here.
I drafted this post in early july.
one might think it’s yesterdays news but it is not
the goddess theme is finding me
in odd, mysterious and wonderful ways.
so far, it has nothing to do with a nude alter ego
below, and behold
fat and wise