after a month of experimentation with my mirrorless camera and a gifted used point and shoot of the same brand. lumix. i shared some of my frustrations on fb with these two camera’s. since my gifted canon, now dead, was so good to me. that’s been the basis for my comparison. someone suggested that i try a different canon – a camera within the same brand and offered to lend me one. what a great idea. the camera was a bit of a clunker and heavy for me, but on the realm of high performing or doing what i needed when i needed. wow – it was way spot on. interesting experiment. i used it this entire month. i impressed the person who loaned it to me. i even did a single shoot with both point and shoot cameras. just to see how they faired. more files from the canon were usable than the lumix. this is true for all my lumix shoots. more work for me. i found kindred mentorship recently for a project that i want to take on and that requires a hot shoe. would you believe i had to google that? learning!!!! all that said, perhaps this may be where the big lumix can shine for me. we’ll see. what i am exploring mostly is what is my next camera?? and why?? and then finding a way to fund it. story of my life.
i teach a workshop. monthly. i’ve taught this workshop for two years, but i’ve been teaching it at one level or another for 20 years. In it I offer prompts to my participants that foster motivational self exploration and inspiration. one of the thoughts said. follow your own advice. good one. duh — good one. a reoccurring theme for the entire year has been about true to self action. stay in your own lane. i so love that guidance. focus on your own shit it said. yes!! the other day a prompt shared how it’s important to surround ourselves with those who nurture us. this struck a profound cord for me. one can be supportive and encouraging from afar, but nurturing is a bit like tending a plant. the watering occurs affectionately and with consistence. if there is no watering. the plant will die. i require watering. needing attention is one thing. needing to be held and or be treated with tenderness is another. being ignored, or not treated with common courtesy is not acceptable. if angst is part of the equation. it’s not fun or meaningful anymore
i have lost patience for those who fleet in and out of my personal space. i don’t have the energy for it. this is me focusing on my own shit. i feel the need to draw a line. at a glance. anyone can be a fan of ones spirit and creativity, or of ones mind. i share so much of this with you. Knowing me might be good for you, but what if it is not a good fit for me. again – what if it isn’t a good fit for me??? In actual action, in tangible attention – vs what i call fleeting or random – many i know can be very lacking. both men and women. up your game my so called friends. or, as i said before. i will lose not only my respect for you. i will simply think less of you. i will think less of you. meh. and in that — you will eventually lose my return attention. I can’t spend my energy that way any longer. waiting for folks to give me the time of day. its not healthy. i am calling it a boundary. its a moving forward gesture for me. someone recently said that my expectations are expectant. what the fuck. without discussion this was i guess a decided thing. “you expect too much” perhaps those who think that are low performing or don’t expect enough? works both ways. both have to participate. to me if there is a missing – on either side. then a discussion can occur. not a finger pointing. there is enough stupid going on in our world. don’t be be so fucking ordinary.
regarding being bearded. when i shaved all of this off i wrote about feeling like my personal gumption wasn’t there to keep it. i felt raw. fetal and the center of attention in a way that didn’t feel very positive. i felt vulnerable. in current times i have found that gumption, i feel liberated. I don’t care what others think. Add that there are medical reasons that are defining how and why my body is so broken. I can focus on self in this arena also.
what i wish most for this face of mine is to be kissed. seems like a silly thing to wish for …but that’s my current thought on the matter. kissed by someone who wants to kiss me for me. not the novelty of my face. sigh. big sigh