The Friday After

i grocery shopped monday.

i, like everyone else, blew off shopping on the weekend.

so, the store was stupid full of people,

the store added more inventory so the aisles were more stupid full of all you need for turkey, buy buy buy …stupid

the look on folks faces was one of both panic and ….wait for it, stupid!!!

i needed everything, so i knew I was stupid and it was going to be a long or at least 90 minute shop

add another hour to that.

2 1/2 hours. yup.

and i could only blame myself for waiting until monday.

so… i donned my imaginary big wide brimmed “i am very patient” hat.

and just tried to be nice. what else can you do??

in the spirit of people watching.

a few stood out.

a few who had either a spirit of kindness about them,

or that fuck you get out of my fucking way i need a fucking turkey spirit.

i perused their carts. overflowing, and made up a story about them.

the fuck you dude was wearing a suit. we don’t get a lot of suits in this store. just sayin …

i think he was shopping for his mother. what he had in his cart did not look like him.  i saw him think really hard about buying flowers. he stood considering them for a very very long while. when he picked them up, I thought way to go dude in the suit. someone will feel that long thought. that decision to get. he will brighten someone’s day with those flowers.

the gal who almost needed two carts was i think a mom, or a seriously generous sister or aunt to folks with kids. her cart was piled so high she could barely see over it. she was pretty, dressed smart and rather funny in the way she shopped. she caught me staring at her. i made a recommendation, and then made her really laugh. and then I had to apologize because I almost cried. that sortof cry that comes from the relief of a good laugh. shit. there i am the bearded lady in the grocery store. sobbing. note: i didn’t cry in the grocery store. but i was close.

i did cry earlier though. i mailed off some holiday packages. with a great sense of pride actually because i had saved all year so that i could send something off to the few in my life that i want to gift to. just 3 packages. but i filled them with love. from me. which i haven’t been able to do in a long while. one of the items i sent was “smoked salt”. don’t laugh. if i sent you salt. you would thank me. kid you not.

anyway, earlier i had to parallel park. i can. i am not afraid or avoid that type of parking, i just take my time when i do it. a dude behind me waited. he then stopped next to me with a huge grin on his face and gestured a thumbs up. not an asshole thumbs up, but a real genuine thumbs up. like way to go nice parking job lady thumbs up. it was a gesture from a perfect stranger that caught me completely by surprise.  I totally lost it. big tears down my cheeks, head down on the steering wheel. shoulders shaking. sobbing. which actually felt really good.

i looked like a train wreck going into the very crowded post office and found i was shaking. emotional release and all.  i thought. you are loved somehow. in this world that you do all by yourself. people love you.

perhaps you recall a year ago. my bearded face and i were acknowledged by a room full of strangers. i unanimously won the people’s choice award. it took every single part of me not to lose it in front of that crowd of people who affirmed my courage and my gumption to grow the hair out on my face. pretty great shit.

i am in a mood today because i feel like i FINALLY have found some peace around the topic of solo and holiday. i finally get how to have it be mine. to own it.

when folks ask – any special plans for thanksgiving?? ( the very worst question someone can ask a lonely person quite truthfully ) 

i get to say. “NO. not a single plan, isn’t that wonderful?? I have a new book, and some great meals I plan to make and nowhere to go. It’s perfect!!” 

and it was!!

i had the best day!!

all by myself.

well, me and my cat.

i think i get it now. i get how to do holiday and be completely free around the entire hoopla of it.

where 10 years ago, i felt it. empty nest felt it. new, in a new town in a new house. new. alone. oppressively alone. felt it.  i wasn’t a stranger to not having my children with me, they defaulted to their fathers side of the family for all holidays many years before. we found our way to do celebrations but as they grew older. i was last in the family equation. and i felt it.

i am not sure why this year feels like an “i’ve got this” epiphany. but it does.

i was just having a flashback to the horror of two years of holiday and the meals served from the extended family of mr cowboy. how can anyone ruin a turkey dinner? powdered potatoes in a plastic lined crock pot…..are you kidding me???

 

 

Paid

paid my annual fee for space here at this blog this morning.

i use about a 1/3 of what they allow for that fee.

but more than what is allowed for free.

for some time i paid for a domain for AN

not sure i ever told you that.

but …

me as an alter ego with a domain

never really materialized.

i had ideas.

still have them.

they were more revealing.

of me.

yet.

that became complicated, illegal and probably not a good idea.

sigh.

i got paid two days ago. smaller pay check this month. last months was also small, and it’s now two months without freelance work.  the good news is i will make it. the bad news is – it will be a low key sortof month.

sigh

this weekend was very libra

a huge tip in the emotion scales

i set the time aside to work on a proposal for an art grant.

not because i ever think I will win it

but more so because it’s important for me to think it

as a possibility.

and more so to write it.

the writing this morning is at the blather stage. get it all out darlin….

i awoke to a dictating to myself.

i did have an ah-ha moment about what’s next for my photography

even if i have NO idea how to get there.

isn’t that what learning is all about?

the idea began a year ago

and then last summer happened with it’s broken camera, and the bed bugs, and the new dr and health program i took on. and the anxiety.

i floundered with the idea from a year ago.

i also didn’t have the idea in my head quite right

big ideas are like that – for example what if my art was hanging in a big window in a famous city

i submitted that idea once actually.

i was not picked

but then later i produced something along those lines for a show.

it was 35 ft by 7 ft.

truth be – rather big window like

go figure.

that art show was two panic attacks ago.

not the show part.

the almost sold art part.

the dude that bought 17 pieces and then didn’t part.

sigh

those sales would have altered things for me pretty nicely.

the way i saw it

it would have bought me another decade of being online.

hey knock on wood i am not offline or in trouble

yet.

sigh.

but that’s just a matter of time.

the grant is more than my annual salary.

more sigh.

deep sign

BIG deep sigh.

the other tip of the scales was some father stuff

fathers day weekend and all.

in my lifetime, much like i know the remarkable potential of a good man

i equally have known very very good fathers.

mine was not one.

my husbands were also not.

these parent holidays i am flooded with the things i usually keep in a dark corner of my heart.

the memory that found me this weekend was a weird one.

my parents started negotiating their divorce my junior year of high school.

that was the year that college decisions were made

i really wanted to go to art school

my parents said you are on your own “we don’t believe in college”

my test scores and grades were deplorable

i found a state school with a program called chance.

and ran.

i ran as fast as i could to secure enrollment.

the school took a chance on me

i only had one year in college because the school was not a good fit for me – all of that is a different story. the school didn’t take a chance on me. the person. i was a me that fit their demographic and their statistics. i was a peg in their hole of good deeds. the look good part that says look at all these sad cases we have.

sigh

in my parents divorce decree there was a line item.

it declared that they were not financially responsible for anything me. from such a such date forward.

I was 16 or 17 at the time.

three other siblings were not given such line items.

just me

they were sure to tell me.

“we are done with you”

i had forgotten the memory of the telling me part.

until this past weekend.

with other memories from that time period

showing up repressed.

i can see why these …THAT….emotional moment

got buried in my subconscious mind.

i was the child that was in the wrong place at the wrong time

in relationship to their shit.

truth be

that was most of my life.

i was in the wrong place.

in the wrong family.

this memory served to remind me

of my continued perseverance

my tenacity. a courage and gumption of sorts.

not sure how courageous i am currently.

i feel like i am hiding out quite truthfully.

but if hiding out serves me

in my art making

and keeps me from less anxiousness

i am good with that.

this picture of my feet shows that the cat scratches are healing.

we two are finding our way.

scratches have not drawn blood in awhile

and her attacking is less

i feel like we make progress

and then we don’t.

she does entertain me.

and need me somehow

and when she purrs

she drools.

that will be me soon.

drooling cat lady.

sigh

( i didn’t realize i had so much on my mind ) 

the title of this blog post should have been “sigh”

i realize that i repeat myself. often.

i really don’t remember what i say most of the time.

sorry.

if it exhausts you

let me know