I’ve Been There

the hardest part about being alone

or lonely

or without “that person”

is remembering

when i did.

i have had a great many

in my life.

that really wanted me.

they couldn’t stop thinking about me

i’ve had them call

or write

i’ve been surprised by them.

courted.

i have been adored

i’ve had men make love to me and mean it.

i know exactly what i am missing.

something happened along the way.

i couldn’t get a decent date

relationship had fallen out of fashion.

both sexes began to retreat. detach. or become apathetic

soon it was either lets be friends with benefits.

or we can be friends.

or more so,

lets just get laid.

i tried that on.

the sex only gig.

a flurry of men

for fuck sake

and nothing more.

what an empty and shallow thing.

what a waste of my great mind, my wild laugh and my creative brilliance.

and then, recent life happened

and i broke.

if someone approached me now for sex? lusted for me?

i couldn’t do it.

i wouldn’t even want to

writing that?

thinking that.

remembering when someone wanted me?

breaks my heart into a million pieces

Got My Back

i have been swirling around my head about this topic.

i got you babe.

i got your back

i will never leave you.

uh, yes you will

you all do.

you placate

you say your shit.

i don’t believe a word out of your mouth.

i don’t believe you.

perhaps you heard it before

or perhaps you have said it to yourself

“i thought it would be different.”

someone here said how people disappoint.

folks closest to us especially.

i feel that.

recently some folks….folks i have never met

stood up for me.

a bit like they had my back.

at least in that moment

they were not going to let anyone

give me shit.

pretty damn cool

since

i have been holding on to what that feels like. with every part of me actually.

because a good portion of my life.

that didn’t happen.

i could make a list.

the “where were you when i needed you” list

or the wait a minute….

your just going to walk away

your not going to fight for what we had or who we are??

“your just going to let all of this go” list.

SIGH.

fight for me. fight for what we have. believe in …

all the physical and emotional abandonment could be heaped on a chair like a pile of clothing that needs to be hung up in the closet. it sits. it reminds. its heap is a sad pathetic reminder of things not put away where they belong.  

i want you

i choose you

i believe in you

you are the most amazing person i know

you have so got this.

its what i might say to myself in the mirror

but i don’t.

that said – and oddly, i still believe in fairy tales. in happily ever afters. not because i know it personally but because i see it. when i do i say to them, this couple i experience that loves each other in a way that most do not. i say — you two remind me that dreams come true, that love conquers all, that mutual respect is valid, and that no matter what you have each others back…no matter what. the ideology might be distant these days. but reminders to find me.

my cards tell me that this is an internal time. self.

i had one of those days today.

i just let it “self” perpetuate.

it was a good day.

even if i stayed in my pajamas all day.

i think i get like this anyway

when the afternoons get short

or when i celebrate another year older

on this day, with this photo, i was trying to find my pretty.

i like the splayed ends of my braids

the illusion that my breasts are not deflated

and sad.

the feeling i remember of someone looking at me

with want.

give me some of that.

truth is i am not looking at me much lately

and i haven’t wanted to be here lately either.

if i post here for me.

its not enough.

i am not enough.  

 

 

 

Screwed Anniversary

ya know how dates stick in your mind?

pivotal events.

a year ago today

i dropped my camera

killed it.

you can’t even imagine how devastated i was.

well, perhaps you can.

comments were so cool on the post

and even more flooded my inbox/flickr profile.

i was given a really low quality interim camera.

to watch my photography with it was rather painful.

out of that frustration i was gifted a new camera.

i mean how cool is that!

so…mr detroit.

whom i just think the world of.

hope your ears are ringing.

these were the few images that were stuck in the camera from that day

along with some stunning shots of a brown lilly

i was trying to capture the bra from the back

inspired by a chick in a band.

i couldn’t get the focus, the mirror, the light

couldn’t get any of it to work right.

i think i was working with two mirrors

i love that the camera is in all the shots.

the accident happen when i was photographing the lilly.

mr detroit was very complimentary of this bra set i seem to recall

anyway the last image is the new camera.

i have since had a really really tremendous year of photography

one entirely possible because of him and his generosity.

mr detroit by the by is a younger man, an astounding creative and  “happy single”

he says he’s not ready to meet me.

*sigh*

what’s that about eh??

in his own way he finds me here

and as quickly as he says hello

he disappears.

UGH.

like so many of you.

Will You Still ?

will you still like me if the nudity stops?

i have about two weeks of images i can share

in my files

past that i have a set in the dead camera

PAST that…i don’t know what to do

my camera accident has me way more upset than i knew

yesterday and even this morning i just couldn’t be with the fact that it is broken

i mean i just can’t be with it

i am devastated

i look at it and think my goodness I had a lot vested in this electronic

i want to thank those of you who commented or emailed my with your concerns and suggestions

it touches me so

really really touches me

thank you

a local friend has offered an interim digital

her gesture this morning really really  blew me away

in the moment she called I couldn’t be with that either

I didn’t want to completely lose it over the phone

my camera was three yrs old

the warranty ended  June 3rd

i called the company and turns out that warranty was null and void

as of august of 2008 – the company went bankrupt

gosh – what’s the point

cannon will accept a camera for repair for a minimum of $120

Often they will just discount or rebate that towards a refurbished camera

The lady rattled six forked numerical models  of cameras

like I was supposed to know them

I then said   how do I know which camera is like the one I am getting repaired

she actually said – google it

If they actually do a repair

estimates begin at an additional $200

Ummm not a good deal

i made some calls here in town – noone repairs small electronics

noone

a local friend suggested someone about 45 minutes away

i called

they are no longer in business

i put in some calls to others i know

waiting

my gut tells me it’s really screwed

all you have to do is look at it

i paid $450 for it three yrs ago plus the 3 year extended warranty

the price has come down $100

it will take me months to come up with that

based on whats in line to be paid off

the tire envelope

the window repair envelope

i can’t tap into those

Part of me says take part of my tax refund

( the part that should pay my accountant, and my dentist, and those hospital bills )

sorry to talk about money

part of me wonders if I should up the anty

as of late i am doing so well re:  my  photography

should i get a better camera?

what would be better?

that means I have to think and make a decision

I am in a funny space in the moment

wonder if my camera cable ( uploading)

and current batteries would apply to that digital?

should i apply those funds instead to something new

this means i have to think and make a decision

not able to get my head around this