A Year Older And Wiser

i am a year older today.

someone complimented something that i wrote earlier today. i wrote about how it was 4 years ago that i moved. my 3200 mile solo quest elsewhere. i remember how i just went for this idea. trusting somehow that i would make it.

this person said ….

“you have such a hold on who you are ….you must know yourself well.”

perhaps 59 is more of a gift than I know.

took myself and a photography friend on an autumn country road trek yesterday

and i got myself a very unusual and very pretty oval blue and white platter.

i asked for things linen.

sheets have holes in them

towels are frayed.

not sure any of that will happen

it’s going to be a tough week.

i did not meet my work quota. gulp.

while i am allowed a grace month

its the only one for this year

i still take a kick in the teeth income wise

i have a lot of ick on my schedule.

including a medical procedure.

weather looks awful.

it’s going to be a long month ahead.

maybe i’ll get myself a piece of cake.

took this the other day

i love it.

laundry did not get done

and i didn’t make the bed either

hate the way a bed looks when it’s occupied solo.

its so. one sided.

but look. that’s me, my hair is flying and the shadows are cool

and i am NUDE



That Blur Of Pink

well, its confirmed. third doc. three years? 4? a bone spur. a common issue, and it’s in my big toe. it’s been discussed here before. its stopping me from wearing shoes. i haven’t been wearing shoes for the last year and a half officially. longer really. the last doc gave me shoes for a diabetic and an orthodic that made the shoe smaller and duh, bothered the toe. uh. no. i need stiff rocker bottom shoes. will stiff rocker bottom shoes help? who knows. not in my budget, but hey i’ll figure it out. healthy food, a kitten, tags for my car, license and green card renewal ( fees up 300% for the green card – seriously? not a typo ) and in that order. thats the list so far. it’s always something. hey my birthday is monday. sometimes gifts find me. i like that about you.

i am roasting a chicken this evening. that time of year would you agree??

and, i wish i had thought to utilize these stairs more for image taking.

it just didn’t really occur to me.

i think the blur of this is awesome.

and that dress?  a total favorite of mine. recently it shrunk like no tomorrow. apparently some of the machines downstairs wash cold and rinse hot. dammit all – i can’t afford that either. the dress was ruined.

The Human Part Of Getting Older

every year around this time i get a 6 year old sense of entitlement. it’s human to feel expectant. i don’t justify it anymore nor do i try and explain it. i instead feel indulgent, giddy and gleeful – my birthday is coming. my birthday is coming!! i love my birthday!! There is a photo of me as a toddler, the cake is homemade, placed on a silver platter. formal, and special. the ceremony of blowing out a candle – a pause, a wish just for me was never missed. there was the boxed spice cake with buttercream frosting – seasonal. i can still muster the exact taste of it in my mouth or the angel food cake – cooling upside down on the glass pop bottle – with…you guessed it –buttercream frosting! I have never made scratch frosting or cake. well, i’ve tried to make cakes and i suck.

my birthday – at least until i was 23 was the one day of the year where i could be celebrated for me without having to be anything other than me. no forced march, no obligatory useless gifting. that might sound bitchy or ungrateful. truth be, i just felt there became a time where my birthday was not about me anymore

if you lived near, i’d make you a meal from scratch and with words, i’d tell you what is remarkable about you. i might not get you a present, and the meal might be an egg salad sandwich – but the bread will be sourdough and toasted, the egg salad will at least have celery in it, and there will be a candle to blow out because …that’s what you do to celebrate the birth of another human.

i realize i often repeat themes in my writings here. i don’t remember sometimes what i’ve said before …

i have a girlfriend who gets me, and each year we indulge each other in a list of gift ideas that would be ridiculous – it makes us laugh each and every year. she has never given me a present but always gives me a giggle.

she yells at me because my lists are very practical, and not much changes from year to year in what makes me happy. but we still giggle about it.

i suppose that means i am set in my ways. is that settled and complacent? or is it being comfortable in ones own skin. funny how we be self critical. it’s just a wish list.

another person i know spends in a manic way – over spends, over consumes, over indulges to the point of spare bedrooms that example high degree hoarding. i have no patience for this type of behavior. it angers me. wasteful. i get that its an immediate gratification thing, or retail therapy as they call it. i have art to gratify me – thank goodness for free endless imagery in digital cameras and magazines to repurpose.

Here is the wish list i sent my girlfriend this year:

  1. food.  to be indulgent would be to have libation supplies. things for brunch embellishment or yippee friday night happy hour.  winter is coming and to not have to worry about things like soup stock, nuts, and seeds and grain, canned goods, chocolate and snacks …is always a treat for me. since my food budget is very small. every bit helps
  2. linen.  if you wash your linen – it just wears out. i like two sets so that i can not have to wait until something comes out of the dryer. i could use a duvet cover to brighten things up.
  3. shoes. enough said. i always need shoes.
  4. clothing. the last area i indulge myself in. i desperately need a lightweight raincoat/hat and fleece/flannel things. wet season is pending.
  5. gas money – a road trip on my actual bday with some lunch out cash, and perhaps you in the driver seat.  sigh
  6. haircut or pedicure, i don’t need anything fancy, a trim and no polish. just someone to clean up what i can’t do myself.

see why she yells at me??? she told me to get a life.  her list includes trips to far away places,designer luggage, and spa visits – after this last trip i took. the appeal of travel is greatly reduced. i never have the right clothes. Worrying about it not from an appearance perspective but from a being comfortable and feeling fun and put together perspective. like being prepared, looking my age and not looking like the thrift find that i am. i am a nervous traveller. more so i am becoming more and more of a nervous person. my life is making me nervous. 

my wish list is really not much different from my patreon profile. perhaps i am just too human and too serious. 


May Not Be Vampy

i know in the past i’ve vamped it up here for my birthday.  

but i wasn’t kidding when i said …i am not myself lately.

the truth is….i mostly feel like this.


closeted out here in the middle of nowhere with noone actually in my day to day life.

it’s easy to get lost in a fluffy bathrobe.

this is a really quite the awesome bathrobe.

when i shot this pic i made myself completely laugh.

me, myself and i laugh out loud laugh. i got off the self pity thing and played


it may not be vamp AN, but hey its what i’ve got img_5588at the moment.

i had a terrific me day. i also did something my birthday weekend  ive never ever done before – a real test of self. and i had a day trek with mr boatman. additionally i had a flurry of an i am artist week with an opening, a collaborative installation, and a few sold items.  when i put things into those perspectives i have so much going for me right now.

so there. happy birthday goofy me.  

thank you to the few of you who sent something. very special of you and very appreciated.






The AN Moves West Fund

i thought about this all day.

an absolute dear of a fan here

suggested i ask for help.

with this life adventure i am taking on.

he thought

if some folks gave some $

it might be helpful.


i am actually moving.

THIS friday.

life with mr cowboy is officially over.

i have only lived out of this time zone once.

my whole life.

well my first 5 yrs i was in a different country

but that doesn’t count.

all of my stuff is being trucked to a cube at a terminal.

it will then will find its merry way to another terminal.

until i alert them that i have travelled

2999 MILES to my new life.

where i will move in with someone who seems like a super great terrific gal that i met on craigs list

and strangers will unload my cube.

i have sold my bed, more of my furniture, and purged to the size of a moving cube.

and reduced my life to simply having my own room in a shared space.

( which if i may say is LIBERATING!)

on my way i am staying with friends

to reduce my costs etc

the truth is,  i am probably going to need some help.

i have to consider tolls, and snacks, and ferries, and perhaps a gift for the folks who are hosting me along the way – plus i will have a few hotel room stays, and gasoline

6 States. 2999 Miles.

Had to get my car worked on.

well you get the idea.

email me if you’d like to help.


OH – and bear with me.

Things are going to get really whirly.

*taken a year ago, around my birthday.

oh yeah, it’s my birthday soon!!

i am senior citizen discount eligible now

IMG_4405 IMG_4427 IMG_4434


Let It Be Birthday

on monday I will celebrate another year older.



let the official celebration begin!!

on the agenda?


a ripe avocado

a trip to an ever important recycling event

something eggy w/my daughter/ do we have something chocolate like in the freezer? perhaps some champagne?

a yard sale with an oak chair that has my name on it.

yup, this my life.

me — all my curves and all my silver threads.

me, myself and i.

care to send a gift?

at this stage of the game

gosh, i’d love that.

more than anything.

always got a wish list

mostly things here are a tad tough

grocery funds are super useful at the moment.



another image illustrating panty gifts from mr bahrain

yes i am straddling a mirror between my thighs

how else would one capture an image like this?

crotchless thong panties are seriously not a fashion statement

have i told you  lately that because you are watching

i am reminded that “i” am somewhere inside.

thank you!!