every year around this time i get a 6 year old sense of entitlement. it’s human to feel expectant. i don’t justify it anymore nor do i try and explain it. i instead feel indulgent, giddy and gleeful – my birthday is coming. my birthday is coming!! i love my birthday!! There is a photo of me as a toddler, the cake is homemade, placed on a silver platter. formal, and special. the ceremony of blowing out a candle – a pause, a wish just for me was never missed. there was the boxed spice cake with buttercream frosting – seasonal. i can still muster the exact taste of it in my mouth or the angel food cake – cooling upside down on the glass pop bottle – with…you guessed it –buttercream frosting! I have never made scratch frosting or cake. well, i’ve tried to make cakes and i suck.
my birthday – at least until i was 23 was the one day of the year where i could be celebrated for me without having to be anything other than me. no forced march, no obligatory useless gifting. that might sound bitchy or ungrateful. truth be, i just felt there became a time where my birthday was not about me anymore
if you lived near, i’d make you a meal from scratch and with words, i’d tell you what is remarkable about you. i might not get you a present, and the meal might be an egg salad sandwich – but the bread will be sourdough and toasted, the egg salad will at least have celery in it, and there will be a candle to blow out because …that’s what you do to celebrate the birth of another human.
i realize i often repeat themes in my writings here. i don’t remember sometimes what i’ve said before …
i have a girlfriend who gets me, and each year we indulge each other in a list of gift ideas that would be ridiculous – it makes us laugh each and every year. she has never given me a present but always gives me a giggle.
she yells at me because my lists are very practical, and not much changes from year to year in what makes me happy. but we still giggle about it.
i suppose that means i am set in my ways. is that settled and complacent? or is it being comfortable in ones own skin. funny how we be self critical. it’s just a wish list.
another person i know spends in a manic way – over spends, over consumes, over indulges to the point of spare bedrooms that example high degree hoarding. i have no patience for this type of behavior. it angers me. wasteful. i get that its an immediate gratification thing, or retail therapy as they call it. i have art to gratify me – thank goodness for free endless imagery in digital cameras and magazines to repurpose.
Here is the wish list i sent my girlfriend this year:
- food. to be indulgent would be to have libation supplies. things for brunch embellishment or yippee friday night happy hour. winter is coming and to not have to worry about things like soup stock, nuts, and seeds and grain, canned goods, chocolate and snacks …is always a treat for me. since my food budget is very small. every bit helps
- linen. if you wash your linen – it just wears out. i like two sets so that i can not have to wait until something comes out of the dryer. i could use a duvet cover to brighten things up.
- shoes. enough said. i always need shoes.
- clothing. the last area i indulge myself in. i desperately need a lightweight raincoat/hat and fleece/flannel things. wet season is pending.
- gas money – a road trip on my actual bday with some lunch out cash, and perhaps you in the driver seat. sigh
- haircut or pedicure, i don’t need anything fancy, a trim and no polish. just someone to clean up what i can’t do myself.
see why she yells at me??? she told me to get a life. her list includes trips to far away places,designer luggage, and spa visits – after this last trip i took. the appeal of travel is greatly reduced. i never have the right clothes. Worrying about it not from an appearance perspective but from a being comfortable and feeling fun and put together perspective. like being prepared, looking my age and not looking like the thrift find that i am. i am a nervous traveller. more so i am becoming more and more of a nervous person. my life is making me nervous.
my wish list is really not much different from my patreon profile. perhaps i am just too human and too serious.