its an anniversary month of sorts.
something happened a year ago.
things roll off my back a lot better now
which is what had me consider this topic.
as i got to the end of this post
my anger found me
as much as I think i’ve improved
perhaps around this topic I haven’t.
i was really broken last summer
i was very fragile.
I was hurting. I fell apart.
metaphorically i started stitching my art.
stitching the pieces of my life back together.
this post is about communicating.
in particular about communicating with me
If you EVER drop the ball in a banter with me.
meaning if you reach out to me
and something begins.
whatever that something is.
for whatever reason disappear.
I will think less of you.
i repeat, i will think less of you.
This is how it works with me
the degree of how much less varies.
it takes a LOT for me to think you are a shit for not writing me back
but at some point i get there.
when i get there.
when i get to the it’s been a month with no reply space and place.
or i have asked 10 questions
and get a reply to 1
or if you promise to write
I think “whatever”
I think less of you. I lose respect and I rethink bantering with you.
i have those considerations to make now.
i then sortof wonder — do all the people in your life that you care about, do they wait a long while for a common courtesy reply?
because if the way some of you fleet with me?? and the way you treat others is actually the same?
perhaps you are a shit.
i get a TON of I’m sorry.
when i read I am sorry for the millionth time. i feel UGH coming out of my pores
I really don’t care about what kept you from common courtesy with me. or your i am sorry. especially the chronic i’m sorry folks.
if you have to say your sorry. does that not indicate some layer of you fucked up?
Hi — sorry i’ve been busy, it’s been a year since my last ….
I care that nothing happened to you, i care that you are not seriously ill or that you didn’t have a car accident or something. I even care that your life is full. but self important busy is not a full life.
I say this because when and if I AM IMPORTANT enough, many very busy busy important traveling, juggling men and woman HAVE found ways to treat me well. They treat all the people around them like they that matter and with common courtesy. I have experienced this, I know this for a fact. Good communicators are out there. I adore this quality in others.
i care about the we in the matter …
MOST of you write to me in some form of praise, adoration and desire to get to know me. I like that. Actually, I love that. YOU usually reach out to me.
In that place of attention that you do give me – I risk. I risk my emotional well being, I allow something to begin. I give it a shot. More so I give a lot of myself rather freely
as if pattern was truth.
the replies from you fizzle.
explain this to me in your reality.
how hard is it to send a reply?
is it me?
is it you?
I KNOW most of you. not all. but MOST of you pay great attention to things phone.
Most phones gets WAY more attention than I do.
AT the core of why i engage or entangle or allow bantering emails in the first place is because why.
I AM LONELY.
I value the attention. DUH.
so if the attention isn’t happening.
whats the point??
why do you want to be in communication with me????
Anyone who reads my blog knows that i love to write. I have a lot to say. I use many words. I reply thoughtfully. I reply thoroughly. If my messages are 200 words and your reply is 50 words. Unless you get to the point beautifully — the short often thumbed on your phone messages do not address me. my words. my thoughts. MY courteous reply.
This gets old fast.
I try and be patient. I wait. I don’t ream anyone a new asshole or anything
after some time goes by
i think less of you
i then think whatever
and then, if it’s been a long while and silent. well, then i just think you are a shit
if you want to know if you are on my shit list.
if you want to redeem your shit.
do so. and mean it.
do not try and pacify me
if you think this blog post is whiney.
or not appropriate.
you may think that.
I am frustrated.
I get to be.
what happened a year ago was unacceptable.
that circumstance ended a 6 year friendship.
if you recall i have added boundaries. those started a year ago
these boundaries are allowing me to put what is important to me first.
i am getting better at them.
please respect me
don’t mess with my willingness to befriend you
get what works for me.