Leaning Tower Of Couch

how are you doing during this time of coronavirus?

i mean it. are you ok. are those you care about ok? what part of the world are you in and what are you observing ?

in the states its predicted that this week the virus will express itself and multiply

where i live. as of today it’s officially 2 weeks of lock down.

my chair is broken.

happened a few days ago

it’s a rocking recliner.

i got it for free.

if i am not sitting in it. it rocks

but while i am in it or leaning forward it just goes flat.

what is that mechanism….a spring gone bad??

is it fixable?

it now has sortof a permanent forward lean. UGH

i can use the ottoman to leverage it back but i don’t always sit that way

the leaning forward reminds me of this insane story, that i thought would amuse you.

i use to own a three flat. the basement had a one bedroom apartment.

the basement also had a storage and laundry room

the door to get into the basement apartment was on the way to the laundry room.

i rented to a young couple once. they both were employed as security guards/ they had longevity in their jobs. references were all positive. both were short/ heavy set folks

they move in.

once settled – outside their apartment door, stacked ever so neatly were cases of jumbo size canned ravioli. chef boyardee. yup, the good stuff

just inside the door was their couch. it’s two front legs were missing

leaning tower of couch

to prop said couch they used

you guessed it

jumbo cans of chef boyardee ravioli.

said couple use to leave their door open.

They would sit on propped couch. NAKED while watching TV

and eating…. wait for it,

chef boyardee ravioli out of the jumbo can. OUT OF THE CAN

I’d go downstairs to put a load of laundry into the dryer

and there they were.

Naked.

as time progressed. ravioli eating naked tenants on leaning tower of couch were home all the time.

i would hear this pop song. it would play over and over and over

something about making babies or all i want to do is be your baby or some bubble gum obnoxious lyric

from the sounds that were coming from said basement.

i’d say they were making a baby. or two or three or whatever.

i had a one year old.

the whole scenario was two much.

eventually these folks stopped paying rent,

of course they HAD to go.

once gone. they left leaning tower of couch.

no jumbo cans of ravioli

and they left of all way bizarre things

a HUGE box of animal porn magazines!!!

oh my gosh.

certainly not something one sees every day

TRUE story.

later i wondered, perhaps this was their pattern.

apartment to apartment.

the things folks get away with.

or how odd people are

at a glance if you met this young couple you’d never know.

i cant recall if i’ve written this story before or not.

in my mind there was a set of images taken with my now broken chair.

but for the life of me…

i can’t find them.

this one will have to do

 

 

 

February = Love

had a great day today

a good day is a nice way to start the week

looks like february is going to have lots of plates spinning.

over the weekend i was talking to a lady about earning my living as an artist.

i love that idea.

right now, my art fund will empty with this next installation.

i have a wish list as always.

wanna hear something funny. i only sleep on one side of the bed. to a fault. so when it’s time to change the sheets i just turn everything over to the other side of the bed. is that weird? i can’t help but think it makes the sheets last longer.

i need a set of sheets.

i took this corset set 7 years ago.

the corset never really fit properly

it made for amusement in trying to lace it solo

and for making breasts that were not as low swinging as they are today

all heaving.

is that the word i want?

heaving breasts.

her breasts were heaving??

that doesn’t sound right.

i love the blur of this photo

and remembering myself

much thinner.

i love me inside the frame.

inside the frame of the photograph

its all about finding the love somehow

even if it means mustering it up from memories

february, that love month…

isn’t always lovely for all.

the fishnet unitard was different from others. it’s threads were all cotton. not some synthetic mix. the open weave offered an optical illusion of sorts when worn. i always found it super bizarre that attire like this was so damn warm to wear. it’s barely there, and yet wearing it was always rather uncomfortable.

 

The Friday After

i grocery shopped monday.

i, like everyone else, blew off shopping on the weekend.

so, the store was stupid full of people,

the store added more inventory so the aisles were more stupid full of all you need for turkey, buy buy buy …stupid

the look on folks faces was one of both panic and ….wait for it, stupid!!!

i needed everything, so i knew I was stupid and it was going to be a long or at least 90 minute shop

add another hour to that.

2 1/2 hours. yup.

and i could only blame myself for waiting until monday.

so… i donned my imaginary big wide brimmed “i am very patient” hat.

and just tried to be nice. what else can you do??

in the spirit of people watching.

a few stood out.

a few who had either a spirit of kindness about them,

or that fuck you get out of my fucking way i need a fucking turkey spirit.

i perused their carts. overflowing, and made up a story about them.

the fuck you dude was wearing a suit. we don’t get a lot of suits in this store. just sayin …

i think he was shopping for his mother. what he had in his cart did not look like him.  i saw him think really hard about buying flowers. he stood considering them for a very very long while. when he picked them up, I thought way to go dude in the suit. someone will feel that long thought. that decision to get. he will brighten someone’s day with those flowers.

the gal who almost needed two carts was i think a mom, or a seriously generous sister or aunt to folks with kids. her cart was piled so high she could barely see over it. she was pretty, dressed smart and rather funny in the way she shopped. she caught me staring at her. i made a recommendation, and then made her really laugh. and then I had to apologize because I almost cried. that sortof cry that comes from the relief of a good laugh. shit. there i am the bearded lady in the grocery store. sobbing. note: i didn’t cry in the grocery store. but i was close.

i did cry earlier though. i mailed off some holiday packages. with a great sense of pride actually because i had saved all year so that i could send something off to the few in my life that i want to gift to. just 3 packages. but i filled them with love. from me. which i haven’t been able to do in a long while. one of the items i sent was “smoked salt”. don’t laugh. if i sent you salt. you would thank me. kid you not.

anyway, earlier i had to parallel park. i can. i am not afraid or avoid that type of parking, i just take my time when i do it. a dude behind me waited. he then stopped next to me with a huge grin on his face and gestured a thumbs up. not an asshole thumbs up, but a real genuine thumbs up. like way to go nice parking job lady thumbs up. it was a gesture from a perfect stranger that caught me completely by surprise.  I totally lost it. big tears down my cheeks, head down on the steering wheel. shoulders shaking. sobbing. which actually felt really good.

i looked like a train wreck going into the very crowded post office and found i was shaking. emotional release and all.  i thought. you are loved somehow. in this world that you do all by yourself. people love you.

perhaps you recall a year ago. my bearded face and i were acknowledged by a room full of strangers. i unanimously won the people’s choice award. it took every single part of me not to lose it in front of that crowd of people who affirmed my courage and my gumption to grow the hair out on my face. pretty great shit.

i am in a mood today because i feel like i FINALLY have found some peace around the topic of solo and holiday. i finally get how to have it be mine. to own it.

when folks ask – any special plans for thanksgiving?? ( the very worst question someone can ask a lonely person quite truthfully ) 

i get to say. “NO. not a single plan, isn’t that wonderful?? I have a new book, and some great meals I plan to make and nowhere to go. It’s perfect!!” 

and it was!!

i had the best day!!

all by myself.

well, me and my cat.

i think i get it now. i get how to do holiday and be completely free around the entire hoopla of it.

where 10 years ago, i felt it. empty nest felt it. new, in a new town in a new house. new. alone. oppressively alone. felt it.  i wasn’t a stranger to not having my children with me, they defaulted to their fathers side of the family for all holidays many years before. we found our way to do celebrations but as they grew older. i was last in the family equation. and i felt it.

i am not sure why this year feels like an “i’ve got this” epiphany. but it does.

i was just having a flashback to the horror of two years of holiday and the meals served from the extended family of mr cowboy. how can anyone ruin a turkey dinner? powdered potatoes in a plastic lined crock pot…..are you kidding me???

 

 

Karma

sometimes i wonder if karma reveals itself like an angel, or fairy dust, or perhaps karma is a mischievous leprechaun sitting on one’s shoulder. a slithering snake, how about a big fat hairy rat ?

if you take those types of characters — you can identify people around you who are exactly those things.

for solstice i took myself on a day trek.

one of my stops was to deliver art.

a new consignment shop is hosting my work.

the shop keeper is a bespectacled character.

he offers a firm handshake and a huge smile.

he is a real individual

a man living life on his own terms.

we had a long discussion about marching to our own drum

round pegs and square holes

individuality

and non-conforming.

i think it will be good doing business with him.

if there is anything i am good at.

its having my own ideas.

there is life the way some might feel things should go

a linear – point a to point b life.

a life you are suppose to have or portray.

if all these life ducks line up

you will then …

have a good life.

you will then be what.

happy?

rich?

fulfilled?

but what if someone does all the supposed right things??

and ends up seriously miserable.

is that karma?

some think that risk taking

might be adrenaline seeking activities

a river raft trip, a marathon, a climb to the highest mountain top

i do not discount any of these ambitious challenges

i sometimes feel like thrill seeking

once it’s over.

you have to seek the next or top the last thrill.

almost like an addiction.

chasing thrill

may or may not be a way to live a life.

it’s a chase.

not a living.

lately i’ve been observing karma in action

where the way a life has been lived

sortof kicks one in the teeth later.

in my observations

the good prevails

and the bad

is seriously well deserved.

one person in particular

is a player.

that person plays people under the guise of goodwill.

like plays a serious game. munipulative

it doesn’t take long to see that around that person

there is noone.

including family.

all have been alienated.

that person is not beloved.

is that karma?

another took a social climbing conservative path

along the way that path was filled with dishonesty

friends were not cultivated

and that person is also very very alone.

that person appears to others to have a good life

inside that persons heart. it is empty.

another lived a life of loving. and light. a person who finds the good in everythng

a believer in goodness and someone who lives goodness authentically

around this person

is richness.

is this karma?

it takes time to see a persons life for what it actually is.

not all things reveal

in a first meet

a second.

all of this makes me think of marriage.

that supposed happily ever after thing.

i believe so much in the power of two

in pairing

in friendship

in love

but that forced march marriage thing.

not so much.

the other day i made a collage

within the piece there was nudity

sharing it

the story behind the piece

resonated deeply with another

the collage sold

and, i was told i am an inspiration.

i am trying to put self care at the top of what it is i am about

sometimes i feel large. influential, valuable and brave.

sometimes i don’t.

sometimes i feel very small. or lost. or afraid.

is this karma??

Tell the people around you how they make their mark with you. Tell them their value, their strengths, their spirit. If someone isn’t fueling the good in you. Perhaps it’s time to move on.

earlier this month i found these and wanted to be sure to share them again.

also from 2013.

i recall that during this time

some men fans gave me some of their time. their attention.

i think that makes for a better photo.

that someone in particular is looking.

one of my fans once said to me

what is so refreshing about your nude work is you can tell that you are looking at yourself for the very first time.

this was so so VERY true in 2013.

in 2019? not so much

perhaps i should find those first time eyes again.

i am trying to add a dose of my other photography

my non-nude things.

have you noticed?????

there are 90,000 + images in my files.

so much to share

so much narrative

i take way too many photographs.

PS it’s the weekend, i know better ( as I often say ) to post now. but my mind is full, and i have things to say. so. i am saying them.

PSS my day trek was cut short due to issues with my car. 6 months went by with no trauma around this vehicle. me thinks i need a car patron.

I LOVE this set of images.

the 4th shot – is one of my personal favorites.

 

 

 

Best Of Best For 2013

if I recall correctly – a gallery or carousel viewing here limits the number of images i can share.  that said, while i normally don’t have parallel posts – today this sharing is what i am in the mood for, so if all 25 images don’t fly here – you can see them as a set over at Flickr.

few things:

i am humbled really by the volume and quality of work that I produced in 2013.   in my non-nude work the list of accomplishments almost overwhelmed me. i mean wow.  and i grew, i grew as a photographer and i grew as a person.  a good year.

a few weeks ago i thought out loud w/ a wish list.  Out of that a gracious person came forward and offered me mentorship re: food photography. sweet!!

About these best of.   i can really see the distinction between images processed in LightRoom vs IPhoto.   some of these images have never been posted here before.  and the few that are a sharing of coupling …is a bold sharing for me.   I am posting them specifically because they provoke such an intense feeling for me, a feeling “captured”  I am keeping them here for inspiration.   more i hope of these to come.

i have so many ideas and plans for the upcoming year that I can hardly wait for the new year to begin.

here’s to you: strong, vibrant and healthy well being, sexy joy and creative expression and gratitude for having each and every one of you in my life.

safe, cozy and a celebratory new years eve !!