Flower Power

I dreamt last night that a flower and succulents were growing in my groin.

( how’s that for an opening sentence?)

there was a single flower, short stemmed with a blue crocus like blossom – it’s center was yellow and button like. it’s petals fat and juicy, much  like that of an engorged jade. it looked like a pussy.

next to the flower there a large cluster of pure white plants. each had three small leaves. unlike most succulents they were soft to the touch. almost mossy.

all of this was nestled in the spread of my legs. specifically, in the crease on my right side

WTF

the examination room was huge. pure white. gleaming, with tile floor to ceiling. the room was brightly lit. i was drenched in white light. they guided me to an oversized rocking chair. the doctor, garbed in all white adorned a lamp of sorts on its head. all I could see was the Dr’s eyes.

i showed the Dr my flower power

armed with oversized tweezers, the removal of the flower revealed very short roots.

the succulent removal was trickier. the individual  leaves would pop and their juice would burn me.

the dr was very careful.

once all was removed

my wounds were treated.

at one point i thought the Dr might have been my mother.

but there was no vibe of judgement.

later, i saw that the Dr was a man.

with a mustache and a warm smile.

noone spoke.

( take in 2011. when i had way more hair )

 

 

I Thought

july was quite the month.

like intense.

i don’t realize how until i went back and looke at my image narrative.

i am often too hyper focused on the now.

i thought perhaps i didn’t get all that nude

just because of the emotional nuances of it all

but i guess i did.

i lost 7 lbs  in 8 weeks

( did i say this already? ugh )

12 lbs over the past year.

some nice improvements to my blood work.

which means good work. continue doing what you are doing

i hurt my knee.

met an absolute asshat doc about that

made my gp doc laugh like heck when i called that dude an asshole.

i am taking a vacation

trying hard to feel i deserve it

but all the stars have really aligned.

i might even feel relaxed

i am fighting a fungal thing

think jock itch but for lady bits

the tissue is angry and not responding.

there is apparently the beginnings of

atrophy.

a-t-r-o-p-h-y

here that gents??

when ya don’t use your parts

they wither.

wrinkle

disappear

and die.

as much as i self touch

i sortof hoped i could bypass atrophy

but the way i do the change of life

none of the maladies associated with it will bypass me

nope

miserable as fuck menopause they should call it.

if it gets to where sex hurts.

i might have to just not.

and right now.

if you wanted me? like in real life

i’d have to say that I couldn’t.

and in this moment. in my writing that very thought.

that breaks my spirit immensely.

which brings me to a memory.

when my second marriage was ending

he, an older man. had performing issues.

we may have been separated even.

funny how sex still occurs in troubled times

don’t you think ??

a gal i know as a gag

gave me my first vibrator

i was in my late 40’s

i didn’t quite get the appeal of them at the time

suffice to say it was something i had to get use to

to practice with.

i remember showing it to him and he was very angry about it. like pissed off.

after a failed bit of lovemaking he said something like

oh why don’t you just go do yourself

and i was really hurt.

i then said, hey wait a sec….as long as we are a couple and sexual

doesn’t aging shift the game??

like in general… don’t couples who age together find new ways to make love ?

i am not interested in masturbating when the real thing can happened between two.

the truth later revealed was that he wasn’t attracted to me any longer

and that whatever sex was attempted was pity sex ( first time i heard that phrase. lovely )

and that he really wasn’t vested in figuring it all out.

so a big fat whatever.

it felt so hopeless.

after that —early match.com years

boy there were a lot of creeps out there.

i hear that woman are equally as creepy as men in online dating

what does that mean?

is it them?

is it the platform?

is it the world?

how does remarkable couple karma happen with so many others?

will i really die alone here???

later —- when i was better at masturbating

i did introduce toys to certain equations.

meaning with a compassionate partner

who wasn’t expectant

a giving thing.

and sometimes that was very exciting for both.

all i can say is i guess you just figure it out as you go.

And Such

i might find myself uh, on my back and such.

playing accordingly.

with a toy, or a mr wand and such.

and she joins in. ( third time now )

perhaps i become a little breathless or i’ve let out a moan or two. or three

she finds her way onto my chest

while i am sortof busy and such

and mink minks at me.

and then she just settles herself on my chest.

which if I can say sortof changes the mood and such.

i mean look at that face.

what a riot.

 

We Depend On It

here we go

i was without power this morning

i was reworking an artist statement for an art call so that worked to my advantage

no distractions,

at least until the battery ran out on my lap top.

universe. don’t fail me now. this computer is my lifeline.

I couldn’t cook, or do laundry or use the elevator or do other electricity dependent things.  ( wink )

once the electricity was back

FB and IG was all ( and still is ) all wiggy

The entire world is experiencing an imageless problematic FB

the WORLD!!

I admit – I don’t really know how to do things in my life — without it. which in itself, when you actually think about it. FB, my lap-top and wi-fi are my game — they are how i do my gig.

it’s a long summer holiday weekend.

i have layers on. + socks. yup. socks!

it’s super empty fridge club

like. seriously seriously eeking it.

if i can get 3 days out of what’s left

i will have made this month work for me.

it will be an accomplishment.

the eggs are gone. one more serving of cashew butter

but there are multiple meals out of what IS left.

that’s what matters.

i realize how i do my life is really unusual or hard to understand for some.

pretty sure in comparison

not many of you have faced some of my personal strife.

i still have my wits about me. what is left of my beloved personal belongings plus a very  safe, private haven that I call my home. my city studio.  I have a vehicle that makes me feel like a queen. she needs front brake work, but we are not in crisis. i repeat. not a crisis. simply a pricey thing on the to do list.  hopefully by the fall i can get that cash together.

i was thinking about the first summer of my first divorce. bear with me. this is a loaded memory — Kids were age 6 and 9. i moved them from what they knew to a community that i felt was better for them school wise. and to this day – my decision to do that really really paid off.  They had such a dynamic academic upbringing because of it. I was however in WAY over my head. I tried to go back to waitressing. and perhaps i shared this before – my work resume isn’t particularly profound. i was a super sucky student, waitress, wife, mom, single mom, momentary waitress, entrepreneur, wife again,single, empty nest artist. that’s me in a nut shell. when i was a single mom and scrambling for work. the details of managing kids, schedules, after school care, runny noses etc about did me in. Gotta love my boss. I still see his face when i said to him. I do not know how to be your loyal employee and be the mom i must be all in the same breath. I will choose them before I choose a shift at work. If they need me – I’m there. He didn’t like hearing that but he said – I value your honesty. I wish things were better for you. You will probably not make it here. I was not fired thankfully. Eventually my hands gave out on me. I had to leave that work for medical reasons.

So then, we all have a summer that is pending. Our first as a divorced family. Summer to a now single working mom means a solid 12 weeks of kids at home. TWELVE WEEKS. Can you say shoot me now?? I reached out to said ex to discuss summer and co-parenting. He tells me – i don’t do additional parenting. I work. he said. ( as if i didn’t – the asshat of a fuckwad ) it was the way he said it. so so so so very arrogant. not the first time he said it either.  The man took a summer vacation each year. he mooched that vacation off of his parents. and he did that during our married years. and he did that for all those years following. two weeks. The REST was up to me. period. My attorney failed me there. I’ll say that. I did take 10% of every single dollar I ever made moving forward into what I called the summer envelope.  I provided the best summers ever to those two for 15 years!!  I did that and I managed a fees, and supplies, and hair cuts and new shoes for back to school envelope. That man not once offered to help financially. ALL of it was on me. Do you have any idea how expensive summer is? or back to school?? Did I mention that he got his income down to poverty ( on purpose ) so that he only had to pay support on that dollar amount. 25% of poverty isn’t a whole lot of child support.  I don’t regret what I was able to provide for them. I did it. I did it on my own. I found a way. I loved it. But sometimes it just wasn’t easy. I lost a good chunk of myself during those times. I forgot to provide summer for myself. To this day I don’t think i really have fun anymore.

The other thing on my mind is how many millions of times I moved during this long summer weekend — grateful of course for long weekends and all but memory spiraling as all get. 2 years ago, by the skin of my teeth — i left country studio. the loft story began a new chapter in apartment security hell. that was the most odd space i’ve ever lived in – does anyone even care about these damn stories of mine??

i love these as visual essay. memory provoking – cement floors, dirty feet, weird light, 4 ft by 10 ft screens, and mirrors by the bed. not an ounce of sex graced these living spaces friends. natta none no sex

i will also say – all of this, and what i got to the other side of had not hit me yet.  NOT like last summer did. not over the head. broken. not like where did i go hit me …

 

Gifted

i added a second pair of the stiff rocker bottom style of shoes to my collection.

phase two of the get me back on my feet project

These are called recovery sandals. The immediate feel of them is super squishy cozy. The funds for these and these light compression socks were a gift. A treasured gesture. Thank you. Thank you dear.

these socks fit snug, and they are right and left foot designated – what an idea!

are you familiar with these brands??

the saga of my feet is simply that.

i have been told my whole life that in later years my feet were going to be an issue

here we are.

This year I finally got back into shoes after 3 years without

YEARS

can you say dork toe socks and not good for my feet fit flops. UGH

i didn’t know about how bad fit flops were

they were what worked

when shoes failed me.

the stiff rocker bottom style of shoe

is supposed to help the bone spur

the shoes, also a gift

are from another generous person

many appointments and adjustments later

they are at least something on my feet that do not cause me pain.

for a few hours anyway.

sigh

i realize this post doesn’t involve nudity

i just wanted to be sure to say thank you,

even though this has been a long term project

it’s getting somewhere

 

 

SELF CARE

when someone says to you…

you should.

you should be different, you should do this. you should be this way.

i think to myself.

mind your own shit.

stay in your own lane

stay in your own backyard

mind your own beeswax buster brown or sweet missy poo.

i grow weary of others telling me how to live my life.

actually if the word YOU

starts in a sentence.

it’s like …umm, no.

that’s like a finger pointing at your chest. poke. poke. poke.

what I prefer.

is to instead share what works for me….

i value loyalty, attention, up to stuff folks. i emphatically value common courtesy.

not everyone i know speaks in value.

i was reminded of this yesterday when a gal i know stopped by and she was very complimentary to me. and she meant it.  she managed our meet also with courtesy. refreshing.

how real.

thats what i want around me.

i remember in recovery from one of my car accidents

my doctor telling me

your basic needs are what you need to focus on here

it’s self care for you

how you do your day

how you do your life.

no one else’s.

i think of her advice often

especially when i feel put upon or frustrated.

at the time

i couldn’t do much.

i couldn’t wash my hair

i couldn’t wipe my ass with my right hand

i couldn’t cook,

keep my home clean.

i couldn’t make my bed

i couldn’t sign an agreement – legibly.

she said, focus on what you can do

and focus on what is best for you.

wisdom.

the i can

is way more enrolling than the i can’t

at that time i had to learn how to ask for help.

i had to let go of standards that were expectant.

i learned a lot emotionally during that, and other recoveries and other and recent triumphs.

to me, letting relationships that don’t work for me go is a form of self care

this works for me because i think to myself

OR

this really does not work for me and this is why.

what is happening is quality. or perhaps something safer emotionally

not volume.

not volume to hide in.

and, i am not trying to look good in the process either.

sometime ago in social media

i had come back after a several year hiatus

at that time having friends was a thing.

in social media that is.

the word is so misleading. would you agree??

i remember meeting this woman in a coffee group and before i had even gotten home she had requested to be my friend.

later i observed her to be a collector of …for the sake of volume, not for the sake of value.

she turned out to be a very inauthentic person. not very original. and she also turned out to not respect privacy. she was a busy body of sorts. it’s how she climbed her own personal ladder. after awhile you could literally see the human bridges she burned. the crowd at her feet stomped upon. i didn’t respect or trust her. and later, i just didn’t like her

in my head sometimes I author a guide.

how to be my friend.

OR

a what makes me tick manual

a seek to be understood thing

like having all the cards on the table.

are you ready to stack the deck with this one? are you in?

I wouldn’t want someone to hand me a list of rules

which has me not actually make the list but ….

sometimes i wonder if we were more forthcoming in the beginning.

that friendships wouldn’t falter later.

when i agreed to live with mr cowboy

i had thought hard before i said yes

and then i had terms to add to the gesture.

i need to check in emotionally on a regular basis

i need two years to regroup financially

i asked, does that work for you.

he said yes.

and when reminded of the yes.

later, when things fell apart

do you remember agreeing to???

i was a bitch for reminding him.

i don’t get why someone says yes in the first place.

i call that placating.

is that the right term for it??

saying something to please another. without intention??

why can’t we say the hard stuff right away?

i am guilty of that myself

perhaps i think things will work themselves out.

or perhaps being non-confrontational is

safer.

when placating is pathological

or a mistruth occurs over and over

that’s just not good.

 

 

Remembering

i know better to post on a weekend, especially one before a summer holiday, most of you will be too busy. but if you have a moment, send a kind word or two.

a year ago. i moved. again.

lets review.

nov 2014 – lost my house that i had lived in for 7 years

( since i am remembering – my nude work began in 2008 – the house i bought in 2009. that move, for what it was worth was a rather monumental move. i was leaving the longest place i had ever lived, i was very established there, i was not quite an empty nest at that point. landing that home sale was a small financial miracle that occurred in 4 days – mr crane helped me move. did i ever tell you about him?? big sigh! ) 

march 2015 moved in w/ mr cowboy –

july 2015 he dumped me.

oct 2015 i moved from all i’ve ever known,

i then unexpectedly experienced on nov 2015 the infamous roommate-zilla,

feb 2016 country studio, oh the horror…

july 2017 the loft ….

there is one more move in all of that but lets remember that later.

it took me awhile to get nude at the loft.

i’d have to say that place was the most unusual place i’ve ever lived.

not feeling well in current days

under dr’s care i am on a shift of diet

the shift has me feeling foggy. headachey, and very very lethargic.

stop me lethargy. like now. it’s hard to type, and focus.

My point and shoot camera died the other day.

tell me that doesn’t just suck.

oh, and my face is still hairy.