while an alter ego isn’t a multiple personality
there are two ways that i portray myself
i notice this duality mostly with men.
lets start with dating. from a decade ago
my duality was expressed most then
lets say its me. me/me. not nude me
just regular me.
i met guys through online dating
if something clicked via email.
i took it to phone.
my dating profile might share that i am a creative, that i am complicated/quirky, that i have an empty nest, that i love to cook and take road trips. most men tell me that they love my phone voice. i would share my distaste for smokers. or other deal breakers. I would ask a ton of questions. the first call is a test/ a screening of sorts. can they keep a conversation going, are they inquisitive, do we have anything in common. It’s at this time that i wonder should i tell them that i am nude online?? Or do I wait. Because more often than not – men who are curious about me and find out that i am nude on line are horrified.
some comments include: you mean i’d have to share you? what are you some sortof slut? why would you do that? and then i’d have to explain. ( well i am a creative and it’s an art form. a bit like performance art with out the performing and and and ) Those men I never meet.
the reason i’ve wanted to be upfront about my nudity is at some layer whoever my next lover is i have long hoped that person would be my muse. that if we coupled and it stuck, that i could photograph it.
otherwise. what’s the point.
there are then men who read my blog. they want to meet me. they decide that I am interesting or fascinating or brave. or they want to befriend me, while they have seen me very nude, and masturbating. the framing for a meet is different. it’s going to be a tryst. it’s going to be sexual, it’s something we don’t tell anyone about or photograph, and its not necessarily a circumstance where someone is going to know or get or inquire about the real me.or for that matter…have time for me. i am entertainment. peripheral.
this is simply my experience,
i am not complaining. i am speculating.
the tryst. while rather exciting in it’s moment
tends to then fall flat.
it has no room to blossom or become
i want to see you are empty statements
well, perhaps the desire is there. the reality has no truth.
don’t say what you don’t mean.
or can’t bring to fruition i say.
the meet is taking. self serve.
perhaps that’s what trysts are.
i ache always for more.
perhaps that’s an issue.
it’s been forever now that i’ve dealt with either circumstance
may be forever that I ever will.
which way would it be best for you to know me?
i love this very moody self portrait taken in the home i lost.