Here

a lot of hits to my website and flickr this past weekend.  thank you.

i like it when you are here.

on the weekend

that’s actually pretty rare.

if you recall

i gave up posting on the weekends

radio silence and all

but,

sometimes i guess that isn’t so.

no comments though.

sigh.

somewhere around my 50th i snapped a photo of my chest using the bulb from the hood light of my stove as my light source.

i thought it was a nice portrait of sorts.

a bust as they say.

ha!!

i tried that shot again.

9 years later

recently.

couldn’t get rid of the shadow of my beard using light room.

the perfectionist in me isn’t happy about that.

i will give the shot another try

soon.

there is a person recently on flickr who really let me down.

i keep saying that things use to roll off my back a lot easier

now they linger.

and circle the drain a little longer.

i hate the spin that offers me emotionally.


 

In Case You Thought I Was Weird

this happened 12 years ago.

the entity came to me in the middle of the night.

it did not ask permission to touch me.

but it did.

the entity took.

in essence it was like rape.

however giving and adoring,

it took and

it left me shaken.

shaken i tell you.

there is a part of me that says it was a dream.

i dream vividly. and often. i remember my dreams

but a part of me that knows the physical potential of an entity

and thinks perhaps this was a spiritual lover.

weird. i know

but if you have known of entities before ….

not so weird.

the details are extremely sexual.

arousing, physically palpable, the attention left me breathless.

imagine that you are asleep.

you are awakened by kisses and gentle caresses

still in a sleep daze

the attention becomes more sexual

finger probing

oral

sexual and very pleasuring.

except noone is physically there.

your imagination can not fill in the blanks that have left you

remarkably aroused,

i would then awake, breathless with my legs splayed open

hungry

it happened over and over

for months.

it got to the point where i said

no.

i said, i don’t know who you are

you do not have my permission

to touch me.

i do not want you to do this.

it scared me.

to frame where my heart and mind were at the time.

my nest was about to be empty.

financially I was going to hit a brick wall

i had lost use of my right hand

my adrenals were fatigued.

this fatigue showed up

in my body.

physical manifestation of…

i was completely falling apart

my second marriage was ending.

betrayal in many many forms are what ended it.

i was the victim of maliciousness.

sociopathic.

i felt embarrassed by its failing. he fooled many. so so many. i was a fool

i felt mortified about being single again

i did not believe that i was of value

as a person

or as a woman

i felt a loss in my life

like a grief so crushing

that i lost a good portion of time

to tears.

and an inability to cope.

at the time i lived in a magical attic apartment of a queen anne victorian home

the energy in the space was kind.

visually magical.

crooked in a vintage way that pleased me.

like syrup on a plate of pancakes would pool on one side of the plate crooked.

i loved that apt.

that place was also a transition place

for all the things mentioned above.

this was two years before i bought my first home.

many many things to get to the other side of at that time

this was the year i lost 100lbs.

my nude photography began here,

in therapy, i did not have to defend the reality of this creature who touched me

i did not have to justify

i did not have to explain

i did have to be real though

about how violated i felt.

and,

that the patterns of my life

include many many who TAKE.

my therapist suggested that i shift the taking feeling

to one of adoring.

that i was attractive

and adored.

fair.

and so.

i affirmed my …me, myself and I

as beautiful.

a self worth practice

that I have instilled ever since.

i am affirmed of that beauty

by adoring fans here.

even if who i was 12 years ago

is different.

very different then who i am now.

and even if my self confidence is low.

these are not the best images.

i was just figuring out this little digital camera

which later,

if you recall. i dropped

and it died.

now, the light in this place would have offered some magic for self captures.

a good portion of these belongings are now long gone. sold. memories.

my breasts don’t look like this anymore either. this was my very first nude capture.

what a memory.

 

 

 

 

Keep It In Your Pants

sex with me

is private.

it’s a gift i give

by my choosing.

it’s the best part of me

that many, yet really very few, have had.

yes there are the lovers, the fucks, the strangers, the husbands, the “mr’s”

many.

who knows what any of them might say about

what it’s like to be with me.

i am complicated

i became more and more complicated as i got older.

in my about here at my blog i say,

as long as the covers are on

the lights are out

or when passion has nudity become a remarkable blur.

i say it that way for a reason.

because i am more self conscious than i can even begin to say.

when chemistry occurs

or if someone will have me

or when i trust

or when i feel like i can

i let my hair down

i get hungry

i get vulnerable.

i get gullible

i am a sucker for compliments

and kisses.

i am a sucker for a hint of interest.

i am not an obvious sexual creature

more so, i am a surprise of a lover

under the covers. in private.

when my work here began.

my nude work

my art.

i was not prepared for the sexual piece of it.

and,

when men do what they do

or can do.

i was horrified.

for a very very long while though i did not know or understand why.

turns out

quite a few sexual things are TRIGGERS for me.

triggers to a past.

age 17 past.

age 17 trauma.

cum

oral sex

and your dick.

are things I don’t really want to see.

in private, with permission, in a relatedness.

I feel differently

but casually?

as casual, as dick pics and such are?

um. no.

please don’t send me that shit.

i am a big girl

i do not curl up and go fetal in distress

if someone sends me these things.

but I do get rattled

especially since the beginning of 2018

I get rattled even more.

do you really want to rattle me?

For those men who are on Flickr?

i can not control a man’s pervy feed

but don’t expect me to be aroused by it

far far from it.

this reaction is MY problem.

My boundary.

my past.

my stuff to get to the other side of.

I mention this today because seemingly dick pic sharing happens in waves

and in very recent times

WAY TOO many of you have shared dick pictures with me.

you’ve sent images without even asking if it’s OK.

Lesson number one.

Ask a ladies permission.

Don’t send me that shit.

got questions?

ask me.

years ago?? 2008?

All of this was very new to me.

while naive

i was somehow more playful.

Now?

i am not.

broken.

have respect for fuck sake.

 

 

 

 

 

I’ve Been There

the hardest part about being alone

or lonely

or without “that person”

is remembering

when i did.

i have had a great many

in my life.

that really wanted me.

they couldn’t stop thinking about me

i’ve had them call

or write

i’ve been surprised by them.

courted.

i have been adored

i’ve had men make love to me and mean it.

i know exactly what i am missing.

something happened along the way.

i couldn’t get a decent date

relationship had fallen out of fashion.

both sexes began to retreat. detach. or become apathetic

soon it was either lets be friends with benefits.

or we can be friends.

or more so,

lets just get laid.

i tried that on.

the sex only gig.

a flurry of men

for fuck sake

and nothing more.

what an empty and shallow thing.

what a waste of my great mind, my wild laugh and my creative brilliance.

and then, recent life happened

and i broke.

if someone approached me now for sex? lusted for me?

i couldn’t do it.

i wouldn’t even want to

writing that?

thinking that.

remembering when someone wanted me?

breaks my heart into a million pieces

I Thought

july was quite the month.

like intense.

i don’t realize how until i went back and looke at my image narrative.

i am often too hyper focused on the now.

i thought perhaps i didn’t get all that nude

just because of the emotional nuances of it all

but i guess i did.

i lost 7 lbs  in 8 weeks

( did i say this already? ugh )

12 lbs over the past year.

some nice improvements to my blood work.

which means good work. continue doing what you are doing

i hurt my knee.

met an absolute asshat doc about that

made my gp doc laugh like heck when i called that dude an asshole.

i am taking a vacation

trying hard to feel i deserve it

but all the stars have really aligned.

i might even feel relaxed

i am fighting a fungal thing

think jock itch but for lady bits

the tissue is angry and not responding.

there is apparently the beginnings of

atrophy.

a-t-r-o-p-h-y

here that gents??

when ya don’t use your parts

they wither.

wrinkle

disappear

and die.

as much as i self touch

i sortof hoped i could bypass atrophy

but the way i do the change of life

none of the maladies associated with it will bypass me

nope

miserable as fuck menopause they should call it.

if it gets to where sex hurts.

i might have to just not.

and right now.

if you wanted me? like in real life

i’d have to say that I couldn’t.

and in this moment. in my writing that very thought.

that breaks my spirit immensely.

which brings me to a memory.

when my second marriage was ending

he, an older man. had performing issues.

we may have been separated even.

funny how sex still occurs in troubled times

don’t you think ??

a gal i know as a gag

gave me my first vibrator

i was in my late 40’s

i didn’t quite get the appeal of them at the time

suffice to say it was something i had to get use to

to practice with.

i remember showing it to him and he was very angry about it. like pissed off.

after a failed bit of lovemaking he said something like

oh why don’t you just go do yourself

and i was really hurt.

i then said, hey wait a sec….as long as we are a couple and sexual

doesn’t aging shift the game??

like in general… don’t couples who age together find new ways to make love ?

i am not interested in masturbating when the real thing can happened between two.

the truth later revealed was that he wasn’t attracted to me any longer

and that whatever sex was attempted was pity sex ( first time i heard that phrase. lovely )

and that he really wasn’t vested in figuring it all out.

so a big fat whatever.

it felt so hopeless.

after that —early match.com years

boy there were a lot of creeps out there.

i hear that woman are equally as creepy as men in online dating

what does that mean?

is it them?

is it the platform?

is it the world?

how does remarkable couple karma happen with so many others?

will i really die alone here???

later —- when i was better at masturbating

i did introduce toys to certain equations.

meaning with a compassionate partner

who wasn’t expectant

a giving thing.

and sometimes that was very exciting for both.

all i can say is i guess you just figure it out as you go.

HOW You Communicate With Me Matters

its an anniversary month of sorts.

something happened a year ago.

things roll off my back a lot better now

which is what had me consider this topic.

as i got to the end of this post

my anger found me

so.

as much as I think i’ve improved

perhaps around this topic I haven’t.

i was really broken last summer

i was very fragile.

I was hurting. I fell apart.

metaphorically i started stitching my art.

stitching the pieces of my life back together.

this post is about communicating.

in particular about communicating with me

If you EVER drop the ball in a banter with me.

meaning if you reach out to me

and something begins.

whatever that something is.

and you,

for whatever reason disappear.

I will think less of you.

i repeat, i will think less of you.

This is how it works with me

the degree of how much less varies.

add this….

it takes a LOT for me to think you are a shit for not writing me back

but at some point i get there.

when i get there.

when i get to the it’s been a month with no reply space and place.

or i have asked 10 questions

and get a reply to 1

or if you promise to write

and don’t.

I think “whatever” 

I think less of you. I lose respect and I rethink bantering with you.

i have those considerations to make now.

i then sortof wonder — do all the people in your life that you care about, do they wait a long while for a common courtesy reply?

because if the way some of you fleet with me?? and the way you treat others is actually the same?

perhaps you are a shit.

my bad.

i get a TON of I’m sorry.

and,

when i read I am sorry for the millionth time. i feel UGH coming out of my pores

I really don’t care about what kept you from common courtesy with me. or your i am sorry. especially the chronic i’m sorry folks.

if you have to say your sorry. does that not indicate some layer of you fucked up? 

Hi — sorry i’ve been busy, it’s been a year since my last ….

UGH,

I care that nothing happened to you, i care that you are not seriously ill or that you didn’t have a car accident or something. I even care that your life is full. but self important busy is not a full life.

I say this because when and if I AM IMPORTANT enough, many very busy busy important traveling, juggling men and woman HAVE found ways to treat me well. They treat all the people around them like they that matter and with common courtesy. I have experienced this, I know this for a fact. Good communicators are out there. I adore this quality in others.

i care about the we in the matter …

MOST of you write to me in some form of praise, adoration and desire to get to know me.  I like that. Actually, I love that.  YOU usually reach out to me.

In that place of attention that you do give me –  I risk.  I risk my emotional well being,  I allow something to begin. I give it a shot. More so I give a lot of myself rather freely

and then,

as if pattern was truth.

the replies from you fizzle.

explain this.

explain this to me in your reality.

how hard is it to send a reply?

is it me?

is it you?

I KNOW most of you. not all. but MOST of you pay great attention to things phone.

Most phones gets WAY more attention than I do.

AT the core of why i engage or entangle or allow bantering emails in the first place is because why.

I AM LONELY.

I value the attention. DUH. 

so if the attention isn’t happening.

whats the point??

why do you want to be in communication with me????

Anyone who reads my blog knows that i love to write. I have a lot to say. I use many words. I reply thoughtfully. I reply thoroughly. If my messages are 200 words and your reply is 50 words. Unless you get to the point beautifully — the short often thumbed on your phone messages do not address me. my words. my thoughts. MY courteous reply.

This gets old fast.

I try and be patient. I wait. I don’t ream anyone a new asshole or anything

but.

after some time goes by

i think less of you

i then think whatever

and then,  if it’s been a long while and silent.  well, then i just think you are a shit

if you want to know if you are on my shit list.

message me.

if you want to redeem your shit.

do so. and mean it.

do not try and pacify me

if you think this blog post is whiney.

or not appropriate.

you may think that.

I am frustrated.

I get to be.

what happened a year ago was unacceptable.

that circumstance ended a 6 year friendship.

if you recall i have added boundaries. those started a year ago

these boundaries are allowing me to put what is important to me first.

i am getting better at them.

please respect me

don’t mess with my willingness to befriend you

get what works for me.

 

For Fun

what do you do for fun?

not sure i do fun

not in a really fun

actually fun way

sometimes there are reasons i don’t do fun

money of course

there is that.

if you say nature and walks are free or fun.

fuck you

standing alone in the woods

or walking and going nowhere

isn’t fun.

my feet can only stand so much

within the theme of its hard to be my friend 

i am the person that says to my friends…

hey i’ve cashed in my penny jar wanna catch a film? a full jar buys a ticket AND popcorn! GLEE. I get to maybe two films a year. and believe it or not. its hard to find a movie pal these days.

once i had a date, another ugh of man. he went to at least two movies a week. i asked if her ever takes a friend. and he said why would i do that?? what a drip of a human he was. I think he too was another that brought up anal …wtf??  ( sorry i digress )

or i say,  hey i have a chicken breast, chick peas and tomato — what do you have? bring it over and i’ll make something. i love meal making with a friend

or i might say i have to do icky errands, wanna join me? coffee out is on me. i love when i can treat. its not often but when i can. i do. and it makes me happy.

if you lived near and said hey wanna go to a film, or out for thai, or join me for happy hour, or go on a road trek to check out an antique store. i would say gosh I’d love to uh, if it’s your treat. I would have to be sure that you are treating. cuz otherwise i would embarrass myself and you with my inability to pay. this is forever awkward.

i repeat. forever awkward

Most of the time the above fun things that most folks do

i just don’t have the fiscal chops for.

folks don’t include me in their plans for that reason

i had a married neighbor who i should have fucked.

i can’t believe i just wrote that.

it’s true though. i should have had him.

he loved beer, and conversation.

he was a creative and really admired my art. and a great conversationalist.

his wife was one piece of work that was very critical of him.

she did not like me.

the feeling was mutual.

he however did and often very randomly he’d stop by with a 6 pack

we’d gab. and we would LAUGH

and then,  he’d almost get caught being in my good company and have to go. he’d fib sometimes when she called. we would keep it our little secret

i’d be slightly buzzed and hungry because often i needed to be making dinner or something.  and i loved the randomness of it

he was shy about eating in front of others. a bit of a nervous sort but as years passed he’d say let me treat you to lunch, which meant a lot to me because he wasn’t shy around me any longer — and we’d go. and laugh. it was more relaxed because his wife was working. and there was beer. of course. it felt like hookey.

i remember one time i asked him to lunch and he said no way. like no way in that he was surprised.  i grinned and said. I have the ability to treat and i would love to do that. he would have nothing to do with it.  he then told me how much he enjoyed our conversations, how he admired me, my unique points of view and my creative mind and that he too enjoyed treating. he said let me keep treating you

he knew about my nudes. at a very minimal level. i showed him a file or two. his knowing was always there. we never discussed it. one time we were drinking good beer. import beer and there were two 6 packs because he was in the mood he said.  i found myself very very attracted to his mouth. i just got fixated on his lips. a bit i guess like the slow motion mouth scenes in a film or something. know what i mean?? I wanted to kiss him in an indescribable way

i miss that guy. i miss that house.

over time others have been a part of similar circumstances

FUN circumstances.

spontaneous fun now? in my current life?

not really.

i have a very long list of things i absolutely love doing all by myself.

however when i am trying to squeeze blood from a rock for a reason.

like now

with this sick cat i have

or the front brakes envelope

or or or

i go to sparce on purpose

i go deeper into the i have no life place

and just find joy in what i have

not what i don’t have

like right now in this very moment  the sun is doing it’s twinkle dance around my studio

i could watch this light all day.

i feel like it envelopes me somehow

fluttering light kisses.

it’s also so very beautiful

now add a glass of wine to that

and that would up the fun immensely.

don’t think i am a lush

i miss social drinking.

and do it very occasionally.

i don’t revolve my world around a cocktail.

on vacation – cocktails for breakfast? uh, why not.

on a first date? hell yes.

social.

i have no social life remember.

a fan said this week that he missed the old me.

i shared back that i miss the old me too

what if the old me is really gone?

below images are very very early work.

first works

vintage me

a firmer me

2009

very naive

i felt courageous taking these

thinner

trimmed

not sure the hair on my thighs is like this now

i am older

fallen

broken and shit.

ALL was made more vibrant back then by sharing.

wonder where this blouse went?