OFF

tomorrow is thursday.

a week ago, on thursday i thought it was wednesday

i then proceeded to think friday was thursday.

i was on the wrong day for two entire days

oblivious.

when i found out it was friday.

imagine how mortified i felt.

imagine the befuddlement

for the life of me i can’t figure out how i did it.

HOW on earth???

and noone said anything.

if you recall i’ve done this one other time before

and felt equally puzzled by it.

WTF.

i can only blame pandemic times.

my good news of the week is that i am in a virtual group show in chicago.

it opens june 5th.

it’s my first opening since early march.

that steam punk show got lost in the pandemic shuffle.

the theme for this one is “touch”

i had done this piece about masturbation

i felt it was a good fit for the art call.

while the show was juried, one piece was gauranteed an in

i only sent in the one.

the 8.5 x 11 mixed media piece includes an image i took a good 10 years ago.

i then made it into a crazy quilt style panel. using magazines, stitching and ribbon. The edges are bound like a quilt. the collage has a baroque feel I think.

with regard to this image at that time i wondered what masturbation might “look like” this was a take on it that i loved. using a timer.

i am very proud of this. its a unique one of a kind piece.

i’ve made others.

let me know if you feel curious to see them.

It’s NOT awful

what if i said that living in times of pandemic isn’t awful

would that be a GASP of a comment?

what if all the alone that i know and that you endure with me

is in her element.

there i said it. i am actually content.

i may have to stay inside

as all of us have been called on to do

i do that anyway.

i have lived this isolated way for a long while now.

i know this life

I might be poor

i might be alone

but I HAVE
SO MUCH. 

there is content.

and there is gratitude.

2 years ago my building was painted. it went from this hideous red sortof color to a lovely bright white

i started calling it my ivory tower.

if my beard gets any longer

we could add the element of rapunzel to the mix

( ok that just seriously made me laugh )

and yes, i amuse me myself and i often.

a recent tarot card pull

found a woman holding a cat

wearing a very very tall dress

filled with hearts.

i saw myself in this card.

the cat lady in her tower.

the card made my laugh actually

it was so revealing

the card was about contentment.

it affirmed OK-ness.

such a simple thing

what sucks the life out of contentment

or being you in the matter

is comparing.

so and so does this.

so and so looks this way

so and so is in love.

If you let it

comparing messes with contentment

it calls out

on the MORE

BETTER

NOT good enough.

It messes with you.

I feel that.

i know those thoughts.

who cares what someone else is doing?

This does not include those I know that are so so very sick right now.

That part just envelopes me with an indescribable helplessness

I don’t know how to help.

and when we add that it’s wordly.

well, that’s a larger empathic swell.

it’s so so much bigger than me

The biggest lesson right now for me

is

I am OK.

I am good.

I am alone

and i am lonely

yet. that’s me.

right??

it’s what is so.

all said,

that does not mean i am FINE.

Fine is so. ORDINARY

Fine says nothing about how one is.

I am definitely not ordinary

( taken recently. i love them)

 

 

And Now April Is Gone Too

well,

i asked you how you are. things pandemic and all.

i meant what i asked.

how are you?

i can’t believe it’s april

i lost january to 27 days of the crud.

who knows, that could have been the virus for all we really know.

lost february to catching up.

it’s a new year after all.

lost march in a big way. all things cancelled.

i can’t believe how many i know who are without work

now april is gone too.

I am OK.

i made a LOT of art.

with much more to make

this fills my time and keeps my mind at ease.

this week, as distracting as this thing killing way too many people is

i went from distracted to derailed.

started on monday

i just have this inkling of panic

on the edge of boiling over.

grocery shopping being one of the triggers.

it’s hard to get a distance on ones self here in the city studio

everyone hair flips during things pandemic

yes?

( i broke my comb that day. cheap shit of a comb. i had given my brush to my son. needless to say i am now using the wonder brush. it’s called the wet brush. it’s rather wondrous – who the F knew ) 

french braid selfie anyone?

were those the panties i wore the last time i panty self captured.

say nice things to me next time you write please.

 

The Woman With Hair

scored a small stack of used SUN magazines at the library yesterday. i love that magazine, i tear it apart for collage, and enjoy the writing. I’ve submitted my own writing a few times, and a few times a year i submit black and white images, no luck so far. at least i try.

while pulling the magazines apart last night i was drawn to it’s nude scape, with it was the title. “the woman with hair” 

One particular line made me smile. 

“Her hair was unlike anything I’d ever seen. It straddled time zones; it lived and breathed, making deep exhalations down to her toes.”

I have to marvel that issues dated back to 2005 or further are now all available online.

a discussion had at the same library talked about the days before we had the web.

to think that there are generations now of folks who don’t know before.

This  last week I heard from fans that had intrigue with my opening in Chicago this evening. ( thank you ) and NO I will not be at the opening.

they start by saying,” I’ve followed your work for a long time” 

I feel two things when I read this.

I never knew.

and,

thank you.

I guess I get the silent fandom thing

i admire and am a fan of many a person.

it’s just in the realm of lonely.

it’s nice to actually know you are here.

speaking of scapes.

i really don’t have that many in my portfolio.

i am partial to the over exposed one. mod and lunar somehow

 

 

my youngest graduated college that weekend. spring 2012. helping her pack and moving her out of her house she said hey mom – this top might fit you. it didn’t, but i really liked the pattern, and the style. i had just scored lightroom software at a really low cost. for those who know my work before and then after. the software defined me artistically. game changer. plus i could now watermark my work. its one thing to have the nest empty when they go to school, but here i was. facing more reality. this gal had a life and it didn’t include me. i think i could do an entire series with imagery like this, a blur. Life is a blur

it’s already 2/19 – didn’t we just ring in the new year??

the gallery in Chicago is going to print my corset image. i get printing at cost prices. it will be a glossy 16×20 – they are throwing the frame in for free. I am beside myself at how cool this is. wow !! before i had to bring art paper to the photo shop/wait to two days for the print go back to pick it up. sign my piece and assemble, the print, matt and frame. wire the frame for hanging. wrap the piece for mailing. score a box either for free in the trash or get one at another trip out to the PO. all of which is a lot of effort. and expense.

For this print – All i had to do was send a quality file. more wow. I think the piece will sell.

I sold a collage today. it was an immediate sale after posting it on social media – poof – gone. Just like the heart photo last week. and another collage. one might think i am an artist or something. I answered another call for art. the gallery offered the same printing opportunity. what the heck!! I am thinking perhaps something on glass.

tech question. if i move my iphoto’s. like the entire portfolio onto an external hard drive. to make additional room on my image crowded lap top, will i lose my organizing efforts? what will the files look like?? i have them organized by events. or folders. am i going to have a mess on my hands trying to find my files??

anyone got access to apple products? specifically the old style macbook pro? the kind that you can run a disc in ??? or add an additional hard drive to ??? NOT kidding, re: as an ask.  I’d love to buy a new old style mac. this one is 10 years old. it still works like a charm. but i need to prepare for what in inevitable. i am hearing terrible things about the newer apple products.

 

Once Upon A Time There Was A Story

my art is narrative.

my photography and art making are story telling.

i am a gifted visual artist

I have a way with words

so i am told.

to tell the story that is now. i find myself tongue tied.

like perhaps the tale is not particularly pretty or sexy or erotic, or that there isn’t much of a story to tell, or that i am a downer.

thats a lot of “or”

i know i am downer, who am i fooling

i still get private messages that are kind, or playful, or a gift, or someone will encourages me, or my blog gets high traffic like today. ( woot )

i could think that happens because I am loved.

and that’s pretty wonderful.

the reality is most who come here have lives and commitments that do not include me.

vested interests are elsewhere.

i am pretty sure many who come here are simply looking to whack off.

but hey, if you are seeking something other than that.

i might want to know.

which gets me to the point of this post.

what makes the image posted below a delicious visual story?

this is a very beautiful, very “me” capture.

this image is what makes this blog. what made this blog?

( image by K Smith for anonymously nude )

this was taken on a crisp sunny bright winter late afternoon. near valentines day.  2011.  My hair is almost all silver now. geeesh. i had just completed an email exchange with a consistent and attentive male. after the email i felt aroused. not all fans arouse me. i have to feel a trust somehow. i have to be attracted to that person. chemistry plays a role. even in a virtual way

consistent because he was there, day in day out. attentive in that he paid attention to the details. he remembered the little things. he paid attention to the me in the equation. he knew what to say.

i took this image because i felt i had a valentine. it was fantasy, but in that moment. I was his and He was mine.

this man was married, a father, an employee at a corporate job, yet he found a way to have time for me, to validate me. the word validate is the difference between the very hot sexy excited me then, and the broken me now.

one can not look this way ( or like this image ) alone. this image is the product of two.

i don’t subscribe to the you don’t need someone else to validate you …just validate yourself!!

bullshit.

i am better when i have someone paying attention to me.

an erotic capture like the above?

takes two.

now, as the story goes

i no longer held the sexual attention of this man,

he was there for the arousal

he had needs that i was not willing to provide.

i could never really have him. loyal that he was to his marriage.

we both felt frustrated.

i was there for the kindness. i was there for the attention.

perhaps i didn’t mind the bit of self touch

on the side.

there is of course way more to the story, and the volume of them from that time.

NINE years ago.

THIS narrative however is an OLD story.

i don’t look like this now.

self touch was brand new then.

now, masturbation is pretty down and dirty.

i self love to get a desperate release.

it’s not particularly fun anymore

the attention/validation person/s

is/are long gone now.

i am different now.

there is no two to the equation.

i am not willing to play that way now.

all of it is rather sad.

don’t ya think??

I’m sorry.

i will visually share the bright and shiny old me

so as to not disappoint you with the now me.

i say this not for self pity.

OK?

i am trying to find the words

that describe what’s different.

who i am now

is not who I was then.

i think the images do it better than I do.

not sure who i am right now.

that might be the truth right there.

( images by K Smith for anonymously nude )

P.S. Sold this heart photograph yesterday. Just in time for Valentines Day. May  yours be filled with love.

IMG_7430

 

 

 

ZERO

a year ago. i brought my cat home from the humane society.

she’s an interesting creature and we’ve come a long way together.

i can’t remember life without her. I took over 600 images of her in 2019.

folks here don’t seem to care much about her.

which is fine.

crazy cat lady is probably not very alluring.

in the beginning, i described having her like looking in the mirror.

she was/is as skiddish as I.

she was supposed to be pet therapy.

instead we had to figure out how to get along.

a lesson one can definitely learn from.

2019 was a high anxiety year for me.

i was looking at images from a year ago and we had a bright sunny january.

not this year. way way more wintery. bleak. dim, as a good friend of mine says.

i don’t mind the dim. i am lucky that way. i love being at home.

at this time of year my envelopes are almost all empty.

ZERO.

this makes me anxious.

there are many ways to manage a financial  life.

i function penny to penny.

month to month.

when there is something extra.

like from the sale of art.

or a gift.

my policy. or the way i manage is

that cash goes into envelopes.

my larger bills all land around this time of year.

the vet visit, the car tag, an oil change, the dentist, the fees for my websites, holiday mailing, cat supplies etc…

THIS year, for the first time in quite awhile the envelopes were full. fat. and ready

I now have to rebuild them again for next year

but for the sake of personal satisfaction

and pride.

firstly…I DID IT.

and secondly.

i can do it again.

a good feeling.

My art opening in Chicago is tonight. Perhaps I will sell that photograph???

THANK YOU to those of you who send me something from time to time.