A Year Older And Wiser

i am a year older today.

someone complimented something that i wrote earlier today. i wrote about how it was 4 years ago that i moved. my 3200 mile solo quest elsewhere. i remember how i just went for this idea. trusting somehow that i would make it.

this person said ….

“you have such a hold on who you are ….you must know yourself well.”

perhaps 59 is more of a gift than I know.

took myself and a photography friend on an autumn country road trek yesterday

and i got myself a very unusual and very pretty oval blue and white platter.

i asked for things linen.

sheets have holes in them

towels are frayed.

not sure any of that will happen

it’s going to be a tough week.

i did not meet my work quota. gulp.

while i am allowed a grace month

its the only one for this year

i still take a kick in the teeth income wise

i have a lot of ick on my schedule.

including a medical procedure.

weather looks awful.

it’s going to be a long month ahead.

maybe i’ll get myself a piece of cake.

took this the other day

i love it.

laundry did not get done

and i didn’t make the bed either

hate the way a bed looks when it’s occupied solo.

its so. one sided.

but look. that’s me, my hair is flying and the shadows are cool

and i am NUDE

 

 

Karma

sometimes i wonder if karma reveals itself like an angel, or fairy dust, or perhaps karma is a mischievous leprechaun sitting on one’s shoulder. a slithering snake, how about a big fat hairy rat ?

if you take those types of characters — you can identify people around you who are exactly those things.

for solstice i took myself on a day trek.

one of my stops was to deliver art.

a new consignment shop is hosting my work.

the shop keeper is a bespectacled character.

he offers a firm handshake and a huge smile.

he is a real individual

a man living life on his own terms.

we had a long discussion about marching to our own drum

round pegs and square holes

individuality

and non-conforming.

i think it will be good doing business with him.

if there is anything i am good at.

its having my own ideas.

there is life the way some might feel things should go

a linear – point a to point b life.

a life you are suppose to have or portray.

if all these life ducks line up

you will then …

have a good life.

you will then be what.

happy?

rich?

fulfilled?

but what if someone does all the supposed right things??

and ends up seriously miserable.

is that karma?

some think that risk taking

might be adrenaline seeking activities

a river raft trip, a marathon, a climb to the highest mountain top

i do not discount any of these ambitious challenges

i sometimes feel like thrill seeking

once it’s over.

you have to seek the next or top the last thrill.

almost like an addiction.

chasing thrill

may or may not be a way to live a life.

it’s a chase.

not a living.

lately i’ve been observing karma in action

where the way a life has been lived

sortof kicks one in the teeth later.

in my observations

the good prevails

and the bad

is seriously well deserved.

one person in particular

is a player.

that person plays people under the guise of goodwill.

like plays a serious game. munipulative

it doesn’t take long to see that around that person

there is noone.

including family.

all have been alienated.

that person is not beloved.

is that karma?

another took a social climbing conservative path

along the way that path was filled with dishonesty

friends were not cultivated

and that person is also very very alone.

that person appears to others to have a good life

inside that persons heart. it is empty.

another lived a life of loving. and light. a person who finds the good in everythng

a believer in goodness and someone who lives goodness authentically

around this person

is richness.

is this karma?

it takes time to see a persons life for what it actually is.

not all things reveal

in a first meet

a second.

all of this makes me think of marriage.

that supposed happily ever after thing.

i believe so much in the power of two

in pairing

in friendship

in love

but that forced march marriage thing.

not so much.

the other day i made a collage

within the piece there was nudity

sharing it

the story behind the piece

resonated deeply with another

the collage sold

and, i was told i am an inspiration.

i am trying to put self care at the top of what it is i am about

sometimes i feel large. influential, valuable and brave.

sometimes i don’t.

sometimes i feel very small. or lost. or afraid.

is this karma??

Tell the people around you how they make their mark with you. Tell them their value, their strengths, their spirit. If someone isn’t fueling the good in you. Perhaps it’s time to move on.

earlier this month i found these and wanted to be sure to share them again.

also from 2013.

i recall that during this time

some men fans gave me some of their time. their attention.

i think that makes for a better photo.

that someone in particular is looking.

one of my fans once said to me

what is so refreshing about your nude work is you can tell that you are looking at yourself for the very first time.

this was so so VERY true in 2013.

in 2019? not so much

perhaps i should find those first time eyes again.

i am trying to add a dose of my other photography

my non-nude things.

have you noticed?????

there are 90,000 + images in my files.

so much to share

so much narrative

i take way too many photographs.

PS it’s the weekend, i know better ( as I often say ) to post now. but my mind is full, and i have things to say. so. i am saying them.

PSS my day trek was cut short due to issues with my car. 6 months went by with no trauma around this vehicle. me thinks i need a car patron.

I LOVE this set of images.

the 4th shot – is one of my personal favorites.

 

 

 

Summer 2010

i am sure i revisited this story here before.

but what the heck.

lets do it again

i was about to turn 50.

just think, next year

i will turn 60.

ugh.

what a thing the beginning of all of this anonymously nude was.

i had won some money and bought a camera

a good

power shot canon

$500.

I had been in my home a year.

i had pulled that house purchase out my ass.

i had NO business owning a home.

getting one,  was the game to play at that time.

a miracle of sorts.

happened fast.

really really fast.

my nest was became empty

i didn’t quite get that.

now that i think about it

the beginning of alone really.

alone all started then.

someone had given me this wobbly mini tripod

it had a leg that wouldn’t stay extended properly

i was playing with light in the bathroom and looking in a mirror

the camera in full zoom

fell REALLY hard to the floor.

the entirety of the erect lens was cracked.

it looked like a lopsided wedding cake

i was beside myself

these were some of the last shots from that day.

i love the lily capture.

my house had a very strong west exposure much like my city studio does now

the first black and white shot was 2 months later – it is one of the very first shots taken with the camera mr detroit picked out for me. the infamous canon s90. the camera that made me look like a photographer rock star

there was a lot of gifting that occurred at that time looking back.

those painted toes were a gift.

those were panty gifting times too.

so much is of course so different now.

one would expect that after all this time gone by.

older.

alone still.

i can’t really get myself into a bra anymore

i guess in terms of a belly. it’s always been there. just less of one.

there is more of me all over.

my pussy hair. thinner, less of it seemingly. silver. its more course. less silky.

do i even have that line of hair anymore from my belly button??

my daughter has that stool now

it was always hers.

i borrowed it.

such a spiral how it all played out.

what might i be photographing today should i still be living in the same space?

with that light??

what would my life be like?


 

Loss And Grief

someone i know died this week.

she was old.

her life was full, rich with a very loving family

and she was a real character.

i met her after she had a stroke.

in working with her, she sometimes couldn’t get her words out.

she’d then look at me, and sputter an emphatic

“fuck”.

or “shit”.

and then, we would both laugh.

those are my favorite memories of her.

i feel so grateful for that.

when my second marriage ended

i spiraled.

looking back, i’d say it was a time of tremendous despair.

even parallel to the anxiousness or anxiety i am dealing with now

at the time i labeled it as grief

loss.

i was feeling a deep loss of this thing known as marriage. i had fallen hard for him and he betrayed me at so many levels that it’s hard to even write about.

this feeling rendered me incoherent for about 5 month’s. i cried all the time. i cocooned myself in writing and home, i avoided. it was especially a challenge when i ran into or had to work with those that knew us as a couple.

we were a real pair about town, and for some, it was a surprise that we were no more

this woman who just died was one of those people.

she called me for advice and help

and i could barely speak with her as my sadness took over.

i was embarrassed. mortified. how could i fail in yet another marriage

28 years given to these two men.

and all that was left of me was a puddle of tears.

during that call she told me

how much strength and patience I give to her.

she told me to cry all i wanted.

it was good to cry.

i needed to hear that at the time.

in thinking about this mom stuff

perhaps the rewind this week

is a sadness of sorts

a  loss

akin to a grief that washes over you when you least expect it.

grief can definitely be like that.

the experiences i have with death are few

as estranged as my family was

you loved the idea of them

the idea of grandparents

not the reality of them

the suppose to feel sad

vs the crushing sadness

when the loss was real.

a male friend of mine was killed suddenly in a jeep accident.

serious tragedy. longer story than i will share here

his death had impact on people close to me.

the collective loss was palpable.

feelings

how very  intense they can be

i am not trying to be a downer.

more so, lately i have just felt a need to say stuff

whatever the stuff might be

alter ego or not

my mind and my heart is cluttered

be gone you overwhelming thoughts

be gone.

( the light was sunset light. a tad blary. works somehow)

The Difference Two Years Makes

two years ago i grew my first beard

( it’s about this length again now )

the hair is so soft once it gets longer.

two years ago i had just been gifted kimberly the kia

i had been without a car for almost 8 weeks

she’s the most car i’ve ever had.

friends pitched in.

this was the car that took me a year to save up for new tires.

this was the black cloud of car repairs this past fall

phase one

phase two

phase three

two years ago i still lived in the country studio

the landlord said my rent was going up

but then i was given notice to leave

and then he asked me to stay.

what a lunatic he was

if you recall this was the place with mice

two years ago i was in three art shows.

two years ago it snowed

a lot

two years ago it never got above 58 degrees in the studio

i spent a lot of time near a space heater

there wasn’t a shovel

i am not supposed to use a shovel

i was in the midst of empty fridge club

two years ago my neighbor stalked me

two years ago i called the sheriff to help me.

gosh everyone. all of that wasn’t that long ago.

that memory is closer to me than i expected

i get now why this past year was so post trauma.

i get why i feel safer now than i ever did here

i am safe now.

i don’t have to wonder about shoveling snow

or stalkers.

what i miss tho

about the country,

was the expanse of things

my world seemed bigger

if anything by simply walking out the back door

i wasn’t planning to write about this

That Was My Man

he nuzzled my neck. inhaled the scent of my hair, spooned himself and wrapped his arms around me. i felt myself smile. his nuzzling turned into little sweet wet kisses. i pressed my ass into his groin, his anatomy responded — lovemaking ensued. when we awoke we were on an orange thick shaggy circular carpet on the floor of the library foyer. we were nude. my lover was actor jack black (!!) clothed people were stepping over us on their way to return their books and do their research. we held onto each other intertwined.  the next scenario he was nude in a recliner in a corner  of what felt like a dollhouse. I was wearing an apron. my sister walked in. she was parading herself in a loud orange polka dot sweater with of all things a frilly collar. and no panties. her nipples were perky, large and erect. He was watching her with great interest. I said, well he and I are now lovers in case you were wondering. he started to play with himself. she unbuttoned the sweater and said well obviously i need a bra….and proceeded to lean over him with her breasts. next thing i see is the two of them behind the recliner kissing each other madly with wide mouths and tongue. I was livid. steaming mad. that was my man I said, that was my man.

^^^ last nights dream.

geeesh.

 

 

 

Classic Nude

very difficult to get this with the dumb “one shot at a time” timer

these did make laugh whilst taking them at least.

i like the headless one best

i am having good days and bad days

today was a good day.

a full with ideas for what is next sortof day.

tomorrow i get to sort the details of it all.

i feel the moon this cycle in a very vibrant way

she is also encouraging me to take in more sleep.

thank you