I Knew Even Then

i visit this one antique store rather regularly. browsing makes me happy.

in it is this large sign. I am assuming it’s from a guitar shop or something.

It reminds me of my father.

when i was 9, i took sailing lessons over summer break. i absolutely loved the lessons, I was fearless even though i was not a strong swimmer. i was actually a good sailer. the racing boats/ older kids would always invite me to crew. in a variety of circumstances I knew what to do. I felt strong and i had fun. i looked very awkward at that age. super skinny, long arms and legs. huge eyes, big teeth, super dark brown almost black hair. I was growing out a pixie hair cut. the look was uneven, my bangs were always in my face. the place where we sailed was a good 45 minute drive from home. My father would get us there and leave us, we’d sail all day. In lessons, in races. Not with my father though. I am assuming he was racing in the adult league. I remember the old clubhouse and begging strangers for quarters to put in the machine that sold little BOTTLES of coca-cola.  Oh my gosh, I loved soda pop. Spending so much time in the sun I got very tan that summer. I was proud of how I tanned vs burn.

my parents often entertained. our home was formal. separate dining room, china and cloth napkins.  My mother was a good cook. fancy sometimes. She made it all seem so seamless. Daisies were often on the dining room table in the summer. Our house was bright and breezy.

They would serve coffee and dessert in the living room. The adults would smoke. There was brandy. Once my father pulled out his ukulele. The kids were told to sit at his feet while he played. “come children, sit at your fathers feet”

Um, can you say creepy?? I knew even then. This is creepy.  I remember a few other things. my nightie was white with little blue flowers, with a tan, my nightie looked whiter. i somehow thought i was cool. i had just had a bath, my hair was dripping. especially at the back of my neck. Drip, drip, drip.  I thought sitting at my fathers feet and pretending to adore him and his horrible ukulele playing and singing was absolutely stupid. I remember faking a smile. I remember this smile faking thing with all of me.

this didn’t happen again.

but when i saw this sign i was reminded about the whole thing

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