this happened 12 years ago.
the entity came to me in the middle of the night.
it did not ask permission to touch me.
but it did.
the entity took.
in essence it was like rape.
however giving and adoring,
it took and
it left me shaken.
shaken i tell you.
there is a part of me that says it was a dream.
i dream vividly. and often. i remember my dreams
but a part of me that knows the physical potential of an entity
and thinks perhaps this was a spiritual lover.
weird. i know
but if you have known of entities before ….
not so weird.
the details are extremely sexual.
arousing, physically palpable, the attention left me breathless.
imagine that you are asleep.
you are awakened by kisses and gentle caresses
still in a sleep daze
the attention becomes more sexual
sexual and very pleasuring.
except noone is physically there.
your imagination can not fill in the blanks that have left you
i would then awake, breathless with my legs splayed open
it happened over and over
it got to the point where i said
i said, i don’t know who you are
you do not have my permission
to touch me.
i do not want you to do this.
it scared me.
to frame where my heart and mind were at the time.
my nest was about to be empty.
financially I was going to hit a brick wall
i had lost use of my right hand
my adrenals were fatigued.
this fatigue showed up
in my body.
physical manifestation of…
i was completely falling apart
my second marriage was ending.
betrayal in many many forms are what ended it.
i was the victim of maliciousness.
i felt embarrassed by its failing. he fooled many. so so many. i was a fool
i felt mortified about being single again
i did not believe that i was of value
as a person
or as a woman
i felt a loss in my life
like a grief so crushing
that i lost a good portion of time
and an inability to cope.
at the time i lived in a magical attic apartment of a queen anne victorian home
the energy in the space was kind.
crooked in a vintage way that pleased me.
like syrup on a plate of pancakes would pool on one side of the plate crooked.
i loved that apt.
that place was also a transition place
for all the things mentioned above.
this was two years before i bought my first home.
many many things to get to the other side of at that time
this was the year i lost 100lbs.
my nude photography began here,
in therapy, i did not have to defend the reality of this creature who touched me
i did not have to justify
i did not have to explain
i did have to be real though
about how violated i felt.
that the patterns of my life
include many many who TAKE.
my therapist suggested that i shift the taking feeling
to one of adoring.
that i was attractive
i affirmed my …me, myself and I
a self worth practice
that I have instilled ever since.
i am affirmed of that beauty
by adoring fans here.
even if who i was 12 years ago
very different then who i am now.
and even if my self confidence is low.
these are not the best images.
i was just figuring out this little digital camera
if you recall. i dropped
and it died.
now, the light in this place would have offered some magic for self captures.
a good portion of these belongings are now long gone. sold. memories.
my breasts don’t look like this anymore either. this was my very first nude capture.
what a memory.