i can’t tell you the last time i thought about a man.
that thing that happens when our mind plays with the potential.
something sparks it. a visual, a story heard, or even a memory
and then instant replay happens.
or fill in the blanks
or we make it up as we go
once sparked, you sometimes feel a little mischievous
as you embellish, you then play, and you get all sexy inside your mind about it.
haven’t thought like that in a long long while.
once upon a time a man said – you are so beautiful. he said, if only you could see how beautiful you are, the way i see you. i never thought i was very beautiful, ever – well that’s not exactly so, but my personal sense of my beauty was pretty jilted. i told this man he was full of shit. that he was just a perverted old man.
but it struck me – what if he’s right, what does he see that I don’t, what if i am beautiful?
and so, i began to look.
partly to see what he might be seeing
and later because I liked what I saw too.
i never imagined at the beginning of this blog
that men would dive in with me
i never knew that i could have an impact on a stranger.
not in a way that would compel some of them to want to meet me, or to send gifts, or to help me pay an art fee, or contribute to the repair of my car. which by the by to those of you who did those things. thank you. thank you very much
the fleeting nature of these strangers I guess is inevitable.
i don’t like it. but – mens interests are not vested in me and my day to day, they just want someone to fill in the blanks.
when my HS sweetheart joined the marines – we were engaged, we were young, but we were really good together. my father had emotionally abandoned me the year prior. he went on to leave my mother and treated me during this time like a sex object – he was expressing his own mid-life crisis but the things he did crossed boundaries. they were not appropriate. my father had a lot of issues that surfaced when my guy and I started dating. so much drama in my home life. i never would have gotten through any of it had it not been for him. my sweetheart neglected to consult me about his joining the service. here he was making the biggest decision of his life and he forgot to ask me what I thought. i was going to be his wife. I was so hurt, but not by his decision. I was hurt because he didn’t value you me as part of the couple I believed us to be. He just told me – this is the way it’s going to be. While he was away, I tried to fill in the empty places. i loved kissing feeling like a man wanted more of me. I liked the power that gave me – even if the moment a kiss became more, I became nothing in the equation. The more I kissed, the more they took and the more I tried to fill what was missing inside. I love sex, I love it now — I adored it then. In my time that made me a slut. for liking it that is. Oddly, and now that i think on it — the being a slut really depended on a certain social hierarchy. popular girls could have all the sex they wanted – they were cool for being sexual. men always told me I was very passionate. i guess the popular girls just went through the motions or they just laid there. but the popular girls had the lines of men at the door. that was never me, I was the one in the back seat of the car.
( well that was a side track of a thought )
the thing is — i am still here. i am loyal.
so many of you, come and go ever so silently
looking at me
enjoying what you see
or what i write.
perhaps you are adoring
but unless you tell me
and so many of you don’t
i’ll never know.
i hear it all the time.
I have been reading your blog for years.
and??? what took you so long to tell me?
what i don’t like are the ones who i’ve lost touch with.
the ones that risked being part of my personal sphere
but for one reason or another they are now gone.
it’s not really fair that they get to look at me.
i get nothing of them in return.
( one of the fine lines of meeting a man in my real life is to tell them that i do nude photography. that i take self portraits of myself nude. that i have a portfolio of nudes that is a decade old. some men just don’t get it. they get upset by it. sometimes an image i take is prompted by an interaction. this one, and a few others were taken after i had hung with someone for the day. i was photographing him working. he was nervous at first and then as the day went on – he relaxed. i got some great shots of him. at the end of the day we hugged. he had also helped me with my stranded car. and I guess I too relaxed and I hugged him with all of me. that’s who i am – he said later. do you always hug like that?? He said that i gave the best hug he’d ever had in his life. what a nice thing to say. now i miss hugs too. )