There is a method that helps those with PTSD. It conversationally gets them to the other side of their real moments of anxiousness. It asks, what’s the very worst thing that can happen? The example shared with me was a little girl ( age 6 ) who had been beaten by her father. Her triggers were noise. ANY noise. Her fears were real for her. Her fears were a handful for anyone around her. If a storm was coming, she would go fetal and rock back and forth. What’s the worst that can happen? It will be loud. Here is a head set to protect your ears. Anything else? The lights will go out. Here is special flashlight just in case. The streets will flood. We can get through any flooding streets with our car. The roof will leak. I have a bucket, and I will be sure to get that fixed. and so on. It made me think about the circumstances I have found myself in. Not only now, but also in my past. I just don’t seem to get a break. I have had a year at my country studio. Yes, the year had some issues, but mostly it was a year in one place. Vs the 4 months in one place or another. My please don’t make me move voice is screaming. My can’t I just be left alone to my home and my creating space place wants to curl in a little tighter. I don’t think I have PTSD, but a circumstance this last month did push my holy shit this is intense buttons. the brief version is that a new neighbor ( what separates us is a wall) went manic and took an emotional chunk out of me. malicious pointed at me behavior. i took 13 pages of notes, what occurred is unlike anything I’ve experienced before, at one point i called for help, and because of all of this. I have been given notice to vacate my studio. for those of you new to my life adventures, this will be my 5th move since 2015. you can imagine my angst around it. I am good at moving. Meaning I know how to do it ( I better after all this moving ) and better yet, I can make a home out of a shoe box. I can make it cozy. The trick, is finding a place that I can manage with my low income. none of this would be an issue if I was more financially fluid. However I am not fluid. I am rebuilding. I am rebuilding, and the small strides I made this past year are admirable. this is what i’ve got. Whats the worst that can happen here?? I could be homeless.
with this set of images I was celebrating the other side of my move here to the country studio. when i arrived here there was a bucket to flush the toilet, there was no kitchen sink or stove set up, there was fixtures not connected, there was crude finishings, and there were 8 long ridiculous days with the landlord and his handyman scrambling to finish the tasks needed to make this place viable. the place still really isn’t viable, it’s very drafty, it’s got mice, the yard is a regular dump. but, it’s doable, and it was mine. and i could afford it. it is deeply quiet, private and bright.
the green chair no longer sits in this corner, it originally was placed there for the daylight. the longest space of light through out the day. it turned out that it was a drafty space. but in this moment it was what I had, i was exhaling – i was getting anonymously nude again. I was mounting that infamous green chair and revealing my – i got to the other side of this.
i recently attended a conference. the funds i used were a gift from a patron here. i call them patrons because they are people who see something in my work and they gift me their support and encouragement with funds. a friend asked me how I do that. have patrons. I was trying to explain that my work speaks to people. and for some, it speaks to their wanting to help. sortof cool when you think about it.
my mojo/vibe in recent weeks has had the life sucked out of it. just barely feeling like a person. funny because in march of last year….i felt that way, as I did the year before.
I hate march.