His Shame

i think that all of us.

in some way feel we communicate well.

i mean how would one otherwise get through their day to day.

if you’ve lived enough

you begin to see

that not everyone communicates well at all

or maybe

we just all speak our own language

and hope that someone can make sense of it.

i always have a lot to say.

a story to tell.

i express all.

good and bad.

i have loads of feelings

observations

thoughts

i like that about myself.

considering who

i’ve married

or dated.

they would say

i am a poor communicator.

or that i say too much.

always easier to sling it the other way.

takes two to do anything

in the communication vain.

i personally would rather say more

than too little

or none.

silence just sucks

i have seen many things along the way

but this,

the experience i am about to share

was pretty intense.

i don’t remember what prompted the incident

whatever it was.

it shut him down.

basically he clasped his hands together.

placed them in his lap.

he hung his head low.

really really low.

his face

looked like it was turning inside out.

i use the phrase embriotic ( sp ?)

he just went sortof fetal.

if i asked a question

his reply

was

i have nothing to say.

i have nothing to say.

i have nothing to say.

eventually he said nothing.

the experience was seriously intense.

if a man was in the middle of his work day, in the middle of a tough meeting…would he behave that way??

how did he ever ever learn that it was ok to do that at home.

more importantly

who did this to him over and over

or what happened to him

over and over

and why?

how is it that he – an adult man

could even begin to think that this was a way to cope

with a tough conversation.

or any conversation for that matter?

my first experience with this emotional and physically manifested withdrawl

left me very confused, very worried, scared almost.

it was like the behavior of a beaten child.

except i don’t personally really know that scene.

i then thought i was to blame.

like i said something wrong

like “i” was the trigger or something.

i then thought,

gosh — can i help this man get to the other side of this

engrained and very very unhealthy behavior?

well the truth was.

i could not.

this persons entire ability to emotionally cope

included some pretty heady avoidance.

and not a single person

along the way

thought to consider helping him.

or offering insight that there are definitely other ways.

what i was left with

was a huge sense of hopelessness about this human being.

the disconnect truly truly frightened me.

it was like he was less of a person somehow

not only for himself,

but also for anyone in his life.

he just never got to the other side.

ever.

while traveling west.

i did this collage.

it speaks emphatically to

what that experience

felt and looked like.

i am grateful that i appeared in this perspective

myself

and

whole.

but no matter who i was in the matter.

he was very broken.

i give you

his shame.

i was grateful for this release.

thank you subconscious mind.

IMG_1682

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “His Shame

  1. AN,

    You touched on a lot of deep points here indeed. Mr. Cowboy , as could be most of us in society, has some deep pain or trauma that he obviously hasn’t dealt with. Something at the time triggered that pain/trauma which yes shut him down. Are you at fault, NO, and still it seems you now with this release had sometime to reflect on it and realize that it’s not your fault and you also offer in this release (writing & collage) some compassion and empathy. I am grateful to hear the perspective you are having here with it. It’s a beautiful collage even more beautiful poignant writing.

    Many things come to mind, but to reassure you I offer a euphemism related to any type of repair/recovery walk and a reminder to you if no one told you:

    3 C’s :

    I didn’t cause it
    I can’t cure it
    I can’t control it

    taken from this article: https://www.recoveryplace.com/blog/the-3-cs-to-addiction-recovery/

    but I offer the slant that I am not saying he is an addict, what I am saying if you look deeper is You didn’t cause his pain, you can’t cure his pain and you can’t control his pain. All those choices are really for him to make. The most you could have done WHICH I AM SURE YOU DID DO is offer the compassion and encourage him to take the steps to change/ cure/ control or deal with his pain.

    If not his cycle will repeat itself…

    Thanks for sharing and thanks for releasing this from your life, you I hope feel much better now?

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