funny what one tells themselves as a drama unfolds.
that the belief you have about a circumstance
or in a person
could very well be what you need to believe in order to survive.
where the actual reality.
the realness of it all,
is completely different.
my reality with mr cowboy shifted this weekend
i remember when my father got mad
it was if his anger filled the space
and the room completely trembled.
that mans teeth rattled.
when he was mad
the anger blew out his ears.
he and seemingly all the men in my life
then go silent.
they say nothing for long brutal extended periods of time
i feel that they fear that saying something wrong
would have them lose the little control they feel in the world.
when someone does the silence thing.
it is THE most belittling
however declarative i feel about it.
it is seemingly in every path of life i take.
last night mr cowboy lost it.
he pointed his finger and he TOLD me.
i have never been spoke to that way before.
not with a tone of hatred.
not in a way that felt frightening.
not in a way that has me startled
and think to myself wow –
for the first time since i have known you i don’t like who you are.
the situation is now more than uncomfortable.