Made It Fun

i had this week, like nuts …i tried to learn something new and got in way over my head,  I was given a written notice to vacate, still getting bit by something, i was waking up to mouse turds on clean surfaces, i couldn’t keep up, gross. i was without water for 5 days, a computer virus attacked my mac, first off – that is so not supposed to happen to a mac, and secondly that was my entire life with my second ex…all things PC had viruses – he built our computers, and spent way too much time rebuilding them – when i got rid of mine i sometimes felt it was haunted, that a mini him lived inside…laughing at me, i really wanted to take a hammer to that hard drive. I was seeing a range of apartments that were so vile, 3 that week – leaving me feeling just mortified. so, with reality as it was, i started to pack. i found it cathartic, sort my stuff, my thoughts, be prepared, i ended up living amongst box towers for 60 days, depressing. yet somehow i made it me. amused myself. greatly!

The Shui Of It

a year ago, i was pretty freaked

it showed up

as very few nude captures for the month of may

the year before

way more nudity.

on the home front currently

there is nudity

i am masturbating more.

creative flow is good

i even recently re-arranged the furniture.

tricky in a small studio space

yet,  sortof amazing

what a turn of a table will do to the

shui of things

money is tight.

laying low

or

choosing

what i spend on

carefully.

art shows are happening.

in a lovely summer

flourishing way

no sales though

not the year for art selling

so far at least.

sigh.

perhaps there is truth at how artists don’t know how to promote themselves

i am prolific at producing art.

i have to remind myself that the process of making is why i am an artist,

i love the making

and making

keeps me vibrant emotionally.

present.

sometimes i am too present to my internal churn

i forget to get out in the world

I like this image. the curve of it. my not so clean feet.

the feeling of having the covers off

and that it shares the tone of the time.

i am insanely grateful to have the packing and moving behind me.

perhaps i can say i am home now

 

Thats All I’ve Got Today

ALL the nudity from a year ago was riddled with bites. as someone commented. not erotic, but hey its part of the story, and it’s the only story i’ve got, and i am definitely not some thing of sexy beauty at all times. geesh

not sure if i have ever told you these things about me

but…

trees and i are friends

being around trees roots me.

they inspire me to breath

they please me visually.

they have always been around me in some magnificent way

even in the darkest of times.

a tree has held it’s branches open for me

i wish i could say i am some nature woman.

i am earthy to the core, but i am not terribly outdoorsy.

i suppose i could be, with the right clothes, and boots

and bug spray, but i am not. my feet hurt too much thinking about it

i do try and get out there. i do.

i love the color blue, except for dentist or baby blue, although there are always exceptions to that. if i could afford to cover the green chair again – re-do, or have couches again — they’d be blue. nuances of blue are part of how i express myself

i love to cook. this day a year ago was the first magical warm spring day, and i was cooking up these, along with other making food things and i drank champagne because i could, and i was doing dishes at 11 PM, but it was wonderful and the door was open because the flies had not hit yet. and it stayed bright late – yes one of those nights. as a single mom, i shifted cooking to ritual and meditation. i made it ceremony. hey we all gotta eat, dishes are a whole nother story

i like these dresses for around the house, but they are very not practical.

they squish all your flesh together and make you sweat.

plus they don’t really stay up like one might hope them too

at the same time having the freedom of ones arms free is rather lovely.

that’s all i’ve got today.

thanks for being here with me.

send grocery money.

not kidding.

Fishnet Teddy

last year’s narrative.

one of my top 12.

( gosh, 3 apartments )

when i think back on the reality

of fancy panties

and sexy outfits

they are really pretty useless

unless you get into

the mind part of it

the mind part of it is far

wilder.

the reality

just has them come off too quickly.

nowadays they, what i have left, are packed away

as props.

who’s propping??

certainly not me.

in my artist life some terrific things are going on.

my life life

not so terrific.

i am going to apply for a free phone

might seem a like a bit of a ridiculous thought

but if i don’t have to pay for a phone

i might pay for

and get a cat.

most of my male friends tell me not to

but they aren’t here keeping me good company

i think a cat would amuse me.

bring a vibe to the empty space i have going on here.

so, just a reminder, don’t send me tributes, images of your maleness or your butt hole, don’t tag me in your stuff.  don’t. it’s not my thing. no. no. no. stop.don’t say you are interested in me and then disappear, and if you don’t want to hear or see my bed bug bite story, then go away. stop giving me grief about it

send grocery money. not kidding.

 

 

 

 

I Sortof Lost

so on friday

i sortof lost my job.

let me explain

what i do

outside of being an artist.

i’ve done for 25 years.

its sales

its monthly quota

and i am very good at it.

i built it from nothing

as a new single mom.

i’ve made income as high as a teachers salary

i’ve had low low sales like in recent years

in all my 25 years i never reverted or lost status

until friday.

in 25 years, we are allowed a grace month per year

i took 3, perhaps 4.

this makes me feel good.

many don’t sustain within this type of sales model.

for those who know all that i’ve gotten to the other side of

it’s realy sortof nothing short of a miracle.

that i make any sortof income at all.

1/3 into this april my numbers are enough

i will probably be ok.

but my next check is going to suck

and whatever feeling of ahead i was feeling

is now thwarted.

bottom line.

 

I need monthly consumable purchases.

there.

before you decide to fix it all.

suggestions, ideas, criticisms

because thats often the compulsion.

don’t.

if you want to know how to help

ask me

off blog.

not in the mood to feel and or be defensive.

there is a lot going on over here.

in the meantime i had my weekly day of art making today

twice i had tears rolling down my cheeks

sheer joy

i am so so very happy when i am making.

it has been a bit since i posted here

so being here now with you was on the list for today

i sat to look at some april work.

boy oh boy april of last year

was one hell of a month.

 

last april i dealt with the onset of BED BUGS

just typing it makes me itchy.

bed bugs are NOT every day conversation my dears.

Ever have them?

I am an expert on them now.

The first thing one tries to figure out

is where the heck did they come from.

pretty sure they came from the maniac. ugh. once infested, one has to vacuum every little thing, not just once but twice, but thrice. everything. i had to purchase a vacuum that didn’t wreck my wrists, that was lightweight and that i could sustainably keep clean. i then had to do SO much laundry, and MORE laundry, i did $60 in laundry. thats a lot of quarters. certain things were kept in quarantine in plastic. mattress and pillow needed encasements. i dismantled the green chair, and the recliner. it seems like i broke the cycle, and then the mice started in. like too many mice. more cleaning, trapping mice, itchy me, these welts were on my shoulders, the small of my back and my rib cage (shown below), they were on my ankles, my fingers, my breasts, the itchy felt like it took over. indescribable.

 

 

 

 

I Give Up

after 11 years,

and many of those years here with all of you.

i officially dumped my online dating profiles.

gone. done. not looking. forget it

just seemed like it was time.

many of you have heard me say this before.

there was never ever a time in my life when there was a line at the door.

if there ever was,

not sure what i’d do

maybe it’s me.

maybe it’s them.

not even worth speculating about it even.

for now

i give up.

just going to be

and be

alone.

gotta love how pixelated this picture is

maybe all the pixels will fly apart

and i’ll be

gone.