The Right Thing To Do

by the by. if you see my images somewhere other than here or at flickr.  like a tumblr, or like a fetish site. or a porn site. PORN. kindly alert me so that i can request removal. this month i have heard from over a dozen of you that searched for me after you saw me somewhere else. thank you for finding me here and staying here, where i belong. image theft sucks. being in the hairy granny category sucks even more. oh, but they said i was a good photographer. gee. thanks.

i was sortof pleased that when someone googled nude self portraits and one of my images was 13th. not bad ladies and gentlemen!!

for those of you who did share those not so great places and their links …thanks. that was the right thing to do.

below is an example of a pose that at the time you think is a good idea. that instead is quite the blooper. i laughed out loud when i saw this shot.

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Is It Over Yet

i am not the first to ask if this year could just be over already.

lets begin with the collective palpable international angst that i can’t quite get my head around. i am avidly non-political, and will remain so – yet, this past election somehow pulled me in. it brought me in in a way that i can only describe as maternal. with all my heart i felt the anger, anguish and loss of way too many people that i care a lot about. i felt their heartache with so much of me. too intense.  almost a month past the election so many trying to find holiday happy places in hopes of making it all just go away. i think being with others is especially important. it feels like everyone is holding their breath. myself included. I just can’t relax. the intensity of this past year, this past month, this past week, this very day …and what is yet to come makes me feel like i need to scream. would someone even hear me?

the way life went down with roommate-zilla often felt like i was banished to my room.there was an interesting routine of avoidance. she got up uber early so that she could be yoga roommate-zilla in the living room while polishing off 2 pots of coffee. she would sweep the floor but leave the pile of what she swept up with the broom leaning on the fridge for me to finish.  there was always a coffee stain trail. once gone i could grumble my way through craigs list and my own morning liquid libation. with my living arrangements rearranged, my focus was on moving again not establishing myself. my direction pushed into yet another path – it was that in between the in between. i had just spent a month on the road, 4 months prior to that – it was all about heading west and heartbreak, before that i was leaving my home.  is it over yet.

when she got home from work, late – i would have prepared my evening meal, cleaned my dishes and found my way to better lighting in my room. it got seriously dark by 4.  I’d spend my evening pretending to be super busy. truth be – i was bored. so so so very bored. sure stuff needed to be managed and taken care of and begun, but i had a lot of lonely time on my hands.

self play was pretty prevalent for 2016.

is it over yet??

Cozy Corner

thought i’d post something current for a change.

its thanksgiving.

i wish yours to be filled with longer hugs, and kindness.

today it is bleak, rainy and moody.

it is rather drafty in my cozy corner.

on the other side of the chair is the only space heater for the place.

before i forget.

YES. YES. YES. I am definitely accepting donations to fund a replacement car. I hope to have a budget of funds to work with by the end of december.

I have a PO Box where cash can be sent. just ask me for the address please.

THANK YOU SO much for the concerns you have written to me.

I am a tad over my head in this car not repairable circumstance.

back to my studio….

I had a light fixture overhead.

what came with the place so to speak,

but there seems to be a short in it.

so i am using this little lamp.

which isn’t quite right.

but for now.

it will do.

i have not expounded too much here about my landlord.

lets just say.

he’s a piece of work.

i have a notebook of things he’s done. or hasn’t done.

i am not an orphan today.

and i am bringing the cranberry relish.

that’s it.

made it the day before last.

let it macerate …

i don’t have to cook.

something about that is very wonderful.

i am THIS close to going back to bed.

  1. because i can.
  2. because i feel like being naked under the covers.
  3. because there is a rodent in the walls who likes to chew at night and i am not sleeping well.  not kidding. such is country living.img_7153 img_7155 img_7156

 

So Long Betty

me thinks the universe has tilted.

that i am hanging on from it’s edges for the life of me.

hanging on.

two mechanics have said now that they will not work on my car.

i have listed it on craigs lists for parts

secured a loaner vehicle from mr nashville, a platonic friend who travels.

thank goodness for the holidays.

i have a rather sweet ride until the end of december.

in that, the universe is grand.

i feel an incredible overwhelm in two ways.

how do i raise funds for a decent dependable car?

and

what the heck do i buy?

i have had betty blue for 16 years.

i knew her.

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things like this have you narrate in your head all ones past car bullshit.

my used car past narrates a lot like my life.

complete with names like  joey and beater bud.

incidents like cars blowing up on the highway with everything you own inside them. to decisions of abandoning one because getting another was cheaper than paying the parking tickets ( yup, did that once)

having one car that was reliable for a long while was a nice thing.

could i have that again please.

don’t think i am a fool

my car was going to go

it was just a matter of time

just now is

seriously bad timing.

i am however reminded that kicks in the teeth have happened before.

like my journey west.

right?

a year ago

i had belongings to sell, and friends who wanted to buy them.

i had art, and i still have art TO SELL.

and the kindness of strangers continues to floor me.

i hope to raise funds through december

and see how much i can gather.

depending on what i can muster

is what i will budget.

my mechanic said he could source me a good car for around two thousand

what do you think?

i have $200, Kids are sending what they can, and some friends want to start a go fund me account.

of course when i am sourcing pics i find all these shots of my car.

ugh

does the seat belt bother your neck when you drive?

i have to wear a scarf

yesterday someone told me that i was an exhibitionist.

i have to disagree.

if i was i would have been consumed with capturing myself

at every turn of this trip.

i actually feel like i had a detached relatedness to myself

most of the way

almost like i didn’t know who i was

this picture in the blue dress

was like

OH.

there i am.

i felt beautiful here for some reason.

relaxed.

almost there.

the feeling of detachment however

has been rather prevalent

this past year.

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Betty Blue Blues

before i left to move west, i had some work done on my car. betty blue seems to be falling apart. seemingly she’s much like her mama. i was on my way to teach this past saturday and the brakes felt funny. had a brake job done just a bit ago, the brake light came on some time after. my mechanic said try adding brake fluid. and that helped. but this time it was more than fluid. the brakes failed 3 miles from my home. like failed. done.

when i think of the turn of the events of that day i just marvel at the synchronicity, plus i marvel that i even have a network of help. but that day people came through for me. people i haven’t known for very long. people i am trying on as friends. my car was in a parking lot for 2 days. today now day 5, my mechanic feels he can’t do the work without a rack. plus, he has a job before me. add that is seems my brake line are “cancerous” or shit fuck rusted to dust. (excuse the mouthiness.) basically he commented that i will be chasing rust for the rest of the life of this car.  my two year plan is to fund a vehicle, and a lap top…i am not sure the two year plan is exactly realistic. but ..its the direction i am headed. if i can stay in one place.  i’ve conquered a lot this year. financially and emotionally. anyway there is that …

i feel like i’d like my next car could be my last car. this one lasted 16 years. my next one can last until i am 72 – right?  ugh.

so perhaps the repair is doable.

but i am not feeling the whew i just diverted another mechanical disaster vibe.

i have been feeling the moon though.

haven’t slept for 3 days.

HOWL

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So let’s get naked.  Shall we.  There were a few places where I stayed along the way that were really not places to photograph myself. sometimes it was about putting the miles behind me, other times it was about how beautiful this country is. other times i was exhausted. here though – i got to stay in this guest house. like seriously. plus, it was filled with light. and mirrors. be still my AN heart. I mean that bed was magnificent.  i even extended my time here we were having so much fun. i am not sure when my inner thigh flesh fell. it’s a bit like when my left breast went flat. another body part bites the dust.

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More Me

you can’t stay here she said

ok. got that.

now that i have landed said new roommate,

landed ever so far from all that i have always known.

landed to my so called new beginning.

where exactly should i go?

with what funds might i exactly leave with?

all my eggs are now in this basket.

bitch.

oh man. felt good to say bitch just now.

when all of this happened there was so much that i just couldn’t find the words for.

the good part of living with roommate-zilla

is that because of her work.

and/or her weekends.

or her studies.

time actually WITH her was little.

at the time when these were taken

i sortof knew that.

but,

i didn’t realize here what a relief that would be.

i had arrived and brought with me more chaos than she expected.

i suggested a notebook as a way to communicate.

she described my presence as a huge overwhelm

she wondered if i ever leave the house.

she wrote notes with extra smiley faces and exclamation points

sometimes i wonder if i speak english.

what is it about limited income, new here and that I work and create from home do you not understand.

go out where?

bitch.

I LOVE this set of images.

she was gone for a long weekend

so i had 4 days.

no interruptions.

no on best new roommate behavior

and best of all

some nudity mixed in with my reality.

i know you like the bent over one.

( it got some attention a year ago when i shared it)

gotta love that tower of boxes.

my favorite is the last one.

something about it

more me.

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Well You Can’t Stay Here

unpacking sucks. doesn’t it??

moving sucks more

but unpacking when you are not welcome or into a space that is tiny i think sucks more

day 5. new roommate comes home from work.

she says. what are you doing

i reply perplexed

um, i am unpacking and getting organized. i live and work here.

uh, she says. well you can’t stay here because i am moving.

WTF?

would i have EVER agreed to move in with someone that was moving?

i was STUNNED.

as the conversation continued.

i get what occurred.

not that i liked it.

but i can see what the what she said was

and what i understood that she said wasn’t.

it was very wrong of her to mislead me.

turns out she was a very circular conversationalist

ever meet folks like that?

they never get to the point

or answer a question directly

or take ownership for what they  say.

perhaps because they are too dizzy from their own speaking.

well at least there was nudity!!

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