when i began here.
at anonymously nude
i was single.
i was about to turn 50
i had uprooted my life.
i escaped the stalking of one ex.
( thinking he knew my routines, he’d lurk as I went about certain parts of my day. just to be eerie and mean )
the other ex would randomly stop over.
(we’d be very busy as a family doing this that and the other and he would just show up, ask to use the restroom. ummmm dude go to a f-ing gas station. very very annoying. )
both of them combined completely frayed my nerves.
our lives had parted, ended, not gone well, over.
divorce does that.
i did that twice
AND not as friends.
they should have seriously just left me be.
i had once owned a home.
it was a 3 flat.
income producing by idea.
not so income producing in reality.
space shared. people above, people below
i never realized until i had my very own home.
this recent space that you all know and love with me.
how precious privacy was.
perhaps it was the combination of my nest emptying
the demise of yet another marriage.
the move/flight to leave all of that behind
at least physically.
well that was another story.
the truth be…
in all my very being,
from birth on —
i have always always lived with other people.
moving in with mr cowboy never felt like i lost my privacy.
more so, i just felt so very comfortable here.
not the cave – the physical part.
just was how comfortable i felt with him.
in our good days anyway.
i had plenty of my own time while he worked.
turns out the time defined as we once full time
was less than i expected.
and certainly less in comparison to dating.
my happiest of times were in his arms.
the most simple thing.
yet almost indescribable.
i am missing this tenderness
i miss this
in a way
what i have to consider now.
is what is next.
i thought that finding a someone to go off into the next layer of life with was my goal.
after this experience with mr cowboy?
the emotional risk?
the time lost.
the open wound
the saving face?
the loss of so much that was my own?
i wonder if i can date/befriend and have that and it’s benefits be enough?
below taken about 2 yrs ago.
the day i met mr cowboy.
i was so excited.