where does the love go.

this is a rather random commentary.  it may be how 2020 blog posts go as i really have no direction at the moment. 

I ran into a former person that i once knew on twitter.

i don’t hang at twitter exactly but i have auto feeds there and i forget.

i went there because i  wondered if i c/should develop a feed for my alter ego artist self there. i don’t want things alter ego to mesh with my me world. i am sure that i am naive to think that they don’t already mesh but…

the twitter person mentioned dumped me and a project we had steeped in for a year because of my facial hair and beard.

“the project is over. i want nothing to do with you – don’t expect anyone to take you seriously with that hair on your face.” 

ouch

this was written via an email on christmas after generously gifting me two bags of food just earlier in the day.

more ouch.

never heard from the person again. POOF.

this person was a serious fan of my writing and my photography since 2007. a HUGE, encouraging, absolutely adoring fan. we met for the first time in 2015. 

I won’t go into ALL the details of the year we worked together. I will say this… that person took me on like a pet, a poor/struggling pet who “needed”  help. that persons truth. not mine. someone who takes on a person as philanthropic good. I can bypass someone thinking less of me when there is a creative opportunity at hand. I also am willing to give a new friendship a try but i am also adult enough to know that folks who are new to my life may not become my next best friend — that’s how I felt about the circumstance. as time went on. this person had some serious issues. my largest complaint was how this person treated people that were supposed to be family. life partners. I never witnessed someone so verbally critical and cruel. like wince material. the spouse would cower. the spouse would hide. not kidding. add a drinking problem to all of that.

“we need to stop working now. i need to drink.”

I scroll this persons twitter feed.  IT WAS UGLY. Political and .fanatic zeal at a very high pitch. evangelical almost. stuff that that would make anyone run. How can such drama and rant beget any respect or credibility? all it did for me is have me shake my head. 

and then, i thought. where does the love go.

and then, i started to think of all the folks who have dumped me.

and then, more thoughts  …where does the love go. 

of course i then found myself upset

i have two marriages behind me. lost mr’s, the lying/dumping of mr cowboy and folks in recent years. perhaps thats true for most. as they say people come and go in our lives. in my family folks left as early as age 5.

do i feel love for them? those gone?

i do not. 

i recall the beginnings of all that love. all of it

i know exactly when the love for them left my heart.

the thing is with so many

i don’t know WHY the love left THEIR hearts.

I feel hurt. 

I know in my past i have tried when i can to find closure

why isn’t closure important to others?

earlier this year i read a book. 

i am pretty sure i wrote about it. 

the book i read was about depression.

not a topic i read about regularly. 

not that i am not curious but with times of anxiety at the tip of my tongue sometimes

it’s not what i feel a wondering about.

this book shifted that for me. it made my troubles seem insignificant by comparison.

this person is clinically depressed, medicated and wants to die. she made fun of this desire to die with such ease that the deep deep despair was actually very funny. she made me laugh. the book was fascinating and alarming. this person is a real handful. imagine celebrity status. imagine a book that makes a difference for many, profoundly actually. impressive, and important. depression is so real for so many.  The book launch passes by. life continues to happens and this person shares it and all the details on social media. the content is nuts. off the wall crazy. i think to myself, wow this person is a total nutcase and people love her. epic, complicated, hurtful, train wreck lunatic, and there is this entourage of people around her. always. they love her.

so then i wonder where does the love go. for me. 

and then, i feel sorry for myself. and start wondering if i could have done something differently.  that’s a pretty one sided conversation. where does the love go. where does the like go. where do people go when they leave, do they ever wonder how i am ????? does it matter that i wonder about them?

image taken eleven years ago.

 

 

 

You Are Invited.

for those of you in the midwest/chicago land area.

perhaps you’d care to attend an art  opening 

Jan 24th. 6-10 PM

The exhibit runs through March 1st otherwise.

and is also viewable online.

It would be rather wild if my photography piece sold to a fan!

I will unfortunately not be in attendance for the opening. cost of a plane ticket is rather prohibitive. add that i am sick. it’s best i observe from afar. 

NOTE : this is K Smith work, not AN work. I know to you that the two are the same. I am trying to assert myself as K Smith in the realm of nude art outside of the work here this last decade….

Sameness

sometimes a blog post topic/idea will circle the drain of my brain and write and write and write itself into my subconscious mind. this is one of those topics. 

each night before i go to sleep i hear the crunching of my cat having a little midnight snack. every single night. i sometimes find myself smiling.  as a little girl my mother would have her bath. the sound of water filling the tub was what I fell asleep to.

i never thought about routine and the sameness of it. i just lived it. we all do.we all have the way we do things. i never bothered to observe my sameness.

oblivious.

last year was the year of boundaries for me. big, deep, emotional, NO – i don’t think so boundaries. those choices may have isolated me even more in my already I am really alone in the world

that said, i just wrote about my year 2019 in review and i gotta tell ya

for a socially phobic, almost 60, poor, bearded creative

i am one up to something lonely person.

perhaps when all is said.

what i do in the sameness of it all

besides being THE vehicle for coping.

perhaps it’s the fuel i thrive on.

give me my space.

understand me.

when I divorced my first husband i was in a transition phase of my life. i went from wife and mom to single mother and self employed. my idea of the world/persons reliable completely shattered. 18 years in, i lost the man i thought was my life partner, and the family i had become a part of – they, his siblings etc were very mean to me in the end.

the phrase its up to me, its up to me, its up to me. rattled inside my brain. i had two little ones that counted on me in an everything sortof way. i cant say this felt like burden, it never did. more so it felt like an i’ve got this, but a lot like holy shit.

i was introduced to a technique called the week at a glance.  it was about creating your perfect day. i am not about creating a perfect anything. perfect is really not the word i mean. more so it’s how to create a day or a week that works for me.  i took this technique on with great earnest and sincerity. i utilize this premise even now.

it’s about your day to day and how one can manage it. it’s not about what others expect, although for some life circumstances it is. it’s about what you want. out of each and every day of the week.

with that technique comes rules. MY rules. Back then it’s how i organized my family life, my in home business life. it’s how i made sense of it all somehow. my kids really took to it. and later when they got older they applied the same technique to fuller personal schedules. a life skill.

some of my rules today make me laugh. these few in particular amuse others.

  1. i dont do mornings.
  2. i dont do mondays
  3. i brunch.

some call them quirks.

there are so many.

recently i spoke with the owner of a gift shop. he shared a story about his bar stool. the place he sat. every single night for over 20 years. a bit i guess like the tv show cheers. while the neighborhood pub has its charm. only before marriage did i ever frequent one. i take that back. i did go on friday nights to a bar during my first divorce. briefly. i enjoyed that actually. in current times though?? i don’t frequent anywhere. ever. regularly. except for galleries and the burger place i go to twice a year when I trek to the dentist. i want to be a local consumer. a treasured customer. a loyal sort. but i don’t get out that much. this last year i got to evaluate why.

this shop owner shared that he had quit his bar stool. not for the sake of sobriety. but more so for the time in the evenings he missed for other things. reading, chores, creative endeavors. he said he wasted those years on that bar stool. he defined himself by that stool. and lost himself to the blur of cocktails every night. he did decide not to drink. he said it was to let go of the habit of it not because it was a problem. to me, if someone drinks every single day. that’s more than a habit. don’t get me wrong. not judging. i love drinking, i just don’t live to drink. i like it socially. its entertaining. i think i had something to drink last around christmas.

which brings me back to sameness. i have plenty of sameness

we are all perhaps

predictable

ordinary

when we co-mingle it – it gets so very complicated.  would you agree? the older i get, the more set in my sameness i become. and i don’t fucking care either.

( image set is from JAN 2015) 

i was losing my home, purging my belongings at a high pitch, i was seeing mr cowboy and preparing to move in with him. sigh. i did have a rather adventurous nude photography show at a gallery that month. and took an image enroute to that show that later would be the most expensive photograph i’ve ever sold. i also did some project work with a food truck. 

 

THE BEST OF 2019

i enjoyed the fact that a few of you chimed in on what struck you personally as a very favorite nude from 2019. thank you. a few images got many votes. i like that. i feel overdue in culminating these final choices for myself.

while i am not stupid sick as i was, i am still not 100% i am still sick. DAY 18. Fuck.

winter is knocking on our doors especially hard these upcoming days. i am prepared for cozy. its how i tend to roll come winter anyway

my art life shot into the 2020 new year rather profoundly. at least there is that. so much going on.

i have a purring, suckling cat on my chest at the moment (have i told you she does that?that she suckles?? ) its one of the many signs that she was taken from her mama early. definitely one of her quirks. that said, she lays on my left arm, so i can only type with one hand, takes longer.

13. best of. as if it was a calendar. first pic, got the most votes… it would be the cover. also offers a small ode to the green chair.

Chosen

there is something rather wonderful about being chosen.

200 artists submitted. each were allowed 8 submissions. I sent along 3. I just found out that one of them was selected by the jury. I am in the show. I am in the show!!

i notched up my printing decision on this piece. I chose a small shop local printer that I know will honor my privacy.  I am trying on an art paper that I’ve been curious about.

the price to print went up $6 higher than her original quote.  it’s pricy!

this happened yesterday with another show i am in and a matt quote. I had to pay $9 more. I sortof feel they should honor the former price quote.

I admire those in business for themselves offering specialty services.

It feels good to give them some of my business.

i am just horrified at how much it costs.

The final and MOST amazing layer to all of this is that I had a patron fund this project.

when you take the cost of the print, the frame and matt, and shipping. both ways

plus a gallery take if sold of 50%

it’s hard to really say that a sale is lucrative.

but thanks to the patron’s help.

IF I sell this. the profits will be mine.

I sold once before with this gallery.

which felt amazing.

anyway

here is the piece they chose.

I submitted this as my alter ego.

Opportunities to show nudity don’t come my way that often

but building up my K Smith artist name will be fun!

Just as a side. I am in day 15 of sick. 

 

goodbye 2019

i am in day 7 of sick.

i guess its called the crud.

i am exhausted

and not particularly happy

at the moment.

i am very very behind

i actually have a very exciting start to my year

sick as i am i cant enjoy it

and that pisses me off

this is my last capture from 2019

i like it.

this is all the energy i have

goodbye 2019

 

Kindness And Flickr

My pro fee for flickr was paid for again this year. the gift was from the very same generous giftee from a year past. last year he additionally found me a used yet brand new replacement camera for my canon s90. my camera of choice. wow. right?? That was pretty amazing. 

In the mail are some funds to assist me with shipping fees for a show I HOPE I am accepted into from the same patron. I find out mid-january. 

What tremendous kindness!

Gestures like this really really help me. They nurture the creative in me. They gift me a sense of freedom around the costs of things in my life. Many of which most take for granted. Gifts like this make me feel understood.

Many know that I stretch and eek my way to my almighty dollar. i live on very little

how I manage baffles most.

ANYWAY

What I wanted to write about is WHY FLICKR.

my commentary is nothing profound. simply. i really love flickr and am glad that I can be there.

founded in 2004, Flickr attracted a certain crowd in it’s beginnings.

much like any of these social media platforms

it was pretty exciting early on.

i was into the blogosphere in it’s early days. 2005 is when i began to explore it’s value for my work.

I found FB very creepy in 2007. and left it for 2 years after being maliciously stalked.

When I moved to a new community. FB was the way to do things. Much like how the www became a given thing.  If I was going to be part of that community I needed to get back on FB. I eventually grew very fond of FB.

With this blog I applied my knowledge of social media pointing strategies or what i call circles of influence and began using Flickr to drive traffic here. to my blog

i still believe that this space is something I can call my own. a personal expression vs a social media expression.

after giving it some thought, many of those who know me here

were first directed to me because of flickr.

that says something.

I love the ease of use of flickr.

i love the visual/user experience of flickr

i like that flickr counts things

i have one image on flickr that has almost 70,000 views.

that sortof blows me away.

folks are more apt to comment on flickr vs a blog.

the community of sorts has an immediate feeling/interactivity to it

many engage faithfully. for that i am grateful.

i have collected imagery from around the world that inspires me, that gifts me pause and beauty. I really appreciate being able to do that on flickr

recently the new CEO wrote and shared that Flickr is struggling financially.

it made me wonder what i’d do without it.

i began poking around.

i am but a very very small fish in the flickr pond.

i am a nobody.

when i see how some are using flickr at a very high pitch

with very very high volume of images posted

and so so so much traffic

it makes me think…wow.

and they pay the same fee as I do??

if FB and Instagram can do it for free/without fees

whats different about Flickr?

and for those who use Flickr in high volume?

why ??

image storage? isn’t that super risky??

or is it strategic, like the way I utilize Flickr??

what about all the rif raf? all the raunch and smut?

what i like to call bottom feeders.

what about them?

I don’t have the answers

and i probably have a very narrow/small and perhaps naive perspective

comparatively.

BUT while I have Flickr. I am very glad.

Took these images the other day.

happy red panty days.

the black and whites are gritty.

my hair is the longest it’s ever been in my entire life

have no idea how i got the first two color shots.

happy accidents as they say

and happy holidays.