Left Him

•October 1, 2015 • 2 Comments

i have officially left mr cowboy.

i have begun my travels to my new life west.


i am a year older today.

oh happy me day!

i am here.

( see images below )

in great company

where i did my artist residency

two years ago.

time flies right.

i am emotional.

very very tired

and beginning to

peel back the layers of all of this

THANK YOU to those of you who have gifted to the an moves west fund – wow!!  the goal now is a to have a small cash stash just in case of a car emergency,  3223 miles is a long way in a 15 yr old car.  Should you want to give too, just email me and i will give you an email address for my personal pay pal.  donating/gifting is very easy that way


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This Is Real

•September 27, 2015 • Leave a Comment

well – here we go, phase who knows what, of the move. i wanted you to know that this is real.

my research had me choose the cube method for relocating my belongings.

to reduce the expense you have the option of loading yourself at the terminal.  

i obviously didn’t load the moving cube myself, by grace a good friend arrived with a truck and a 12 foot trailer.  

mr cowboy was in a rage the night prior. abusive and threatening commentary. enough for me to try with all my might to eliminate him from the help me move equation.

unfortunately, the process was complicated and the timing was bad for anyone else to help.  mr cowboy did come through but along with him he brought tension.  a move is intense enough without adding negativity. we got through it.  

i knew that my moving cube was a limited space, and i got rid of and rid of and rid of these last weeks, but when all was tied to the trailer – it still appeared like a lot of stuff.  looked and felt a bit like the beverly hillbillies.  driving up to the cube it felt like no way. but i’ll be damned if everything fit, but ONE single item.  I won’t have my car filled with stuff either which was one of my goals. 

I took the final image the day after the move – seems to say it all.  

SO many of you have written to encourage my journey and to donate to the AN moves west fund.  thank you!!! it occurred to me that i may have budgeted for gas, some lodging etc, i do not have any spare funds for if my car broke down.  so, that is what i need most now. I have a pay pal account that you can chime into – just ask me and I will give you the entry email address. and thank you again !!!


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The AN Moves West Fund

•September 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

i thought about this all day.

an absolute dear of a fan here

suggested i ask for help.

with this life adventure i am taking on.

he thought

if some folks gave some $

it might be helpful.


i am actually moving.

THIS friday.

life with mr cowboy is officially over.

i have only lived out of this time zone once.

my whole life.

well my first 5 yrs i was in a different country

but that doesn’t count.

all of my stuff is being trucked to a cube at a terminal.

it will then will find its merry way to another terminal.

until i alert them that i have travelled

2999 MILES to my new life.

where i will move in with someone who seems like a super great terrific gal that i met on craigs list

and strangers will unload my cube.

i have sold my bed, more of my furniture, and purged to the size of a moving cube.

and reduced my life to simply having my own room in a shared space.

( which if i may say is LIBERATING!)

on my way i am staying with friends

to reduce my costs etc

the truth is,  i am probably going to need some help.

i have to consider tolls, and snacks, and ferries, and perhaps a gift for the folks who are hosting me along the way – plus i will have a few hotel room stays, and gasoline

6 States. 2999 Miles.

Had to get my car worked on.

well you get the idea.

email me if you’d like to help.


OH – and bear with me.

Things are going to get really whirly.

*taken a year ago, around my birthday.

oh yeah, it’s my birthday soon!!

i am senior citizen discount eligible now

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Precious Privacy

•September 22, 2015 • 2 Comments

when i began here.

at anonymously nude

i was single.

i was about to turn 50

i had uprooted my life.

i escaped the stalking of one ex.

( thinking he knew my routines, he’d lurk as I went about certain parts of my day. just to be eerie and mean ) 

the other ex would randomly stop over.

(we’d be very busy as a family doing this that and the other and he would just show up, ask to use the restroom. ummmm dude go to a f-ing gas station.  very very annoying. )

both of them combined completely frayed my nerves.

our lives had parted, ended, not gone well, over.

divorce does that.

i did that twice

AND not as friends.

they should have seriously just left me be.

i had once owned a home.

it was a 3 flat.

income producing by idea.

not so income producing in reality.

space shared. people above, people below


i never realized until i had my very own home.

this recent space that you all know and love with me.

how precious privacy was.

perhaps it was the combination of my nest emptying

the demise of yet another marriage.

the move/flight to leave all of that behind

at least physically.


well that was another story.

the truth be…

in all my very being,

from birth on —

i have always always lived with other people.

moving in with mr cowboy never felt like i lost my privacy.

more so, i just felt so very comfortable here.

not the cave – the physical part.

just was how comfortable i felt with him.



in our good days anyway.

i had plenty of my own time while he worked.

turns out the time defined as we once full time

was less than i expected.

much less.

and certainly less in comparison to dating.

my happiest of times were in his arms.

the most simple thing.

yet almost indescribable.

i am missing this tenderness

right now

i miss this

in a way

that is,


what i have to consider now.

is what is next.

i thought that finding a someone to go off into the next layer of life with was my goal.

after this experience with mr cowboy?

the emotional risk?

the time lost.

the open wound

the saving face?

the loss of so much that was my own?

i wonder if i can date/befriend and have that and it’s benefits be enough?

below taken about 2 yrs ago.

the day i met mr cowboy.

i was so excited.
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The Way Things Are

•September 21, 2015 • 4 Comments

mr cowboy says he no longer wants to be in a relationship, but he wants to fuck.

well, i like sex too and am happy to keep that layer going.

we are living together.


it is the cave and all

the thing is he can’t just roll me over in the middle of the night and do me  like a dog —

yet that’s exactly what he did.

he’s not normally like that sexually –

but after 3 weeks w/o and as confusing as it is around here.

well thats how things are.

see for him to be sexual he has to take a dick pill.

so that incident – that roll me over thing, was pre-meditated.

he had to take the pill and then execute accordingly.

or masturbate.

he seemingly negated me from the process.


i thanked him for our little interlude, and then said


instead of doing something so animalistic?

consider alerting me to the fact that you have taken something for arousal.

i am cracking up as i type this –

so he says to me some days following.

i took a dick pill.

Which i guess meant — i took a dick pill and we are having sex now.

i then said –

i wonder if in addition to sharing that you are horny, perhaps you could say something like i miss you or i want you or how nice i look or something??

He said. hmmmmph.

so the next time –

he snuggled in from behind, breathed in my hair, grabbed my nipple and said – i took a dick pill.

i guess we are getting somewhere.


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Strike A Pose

•September 16, 2015 • 2 Comments

little distracted lately

the hunt for a new abode

is not happening quick enough

i hate that i am reduced to

having to make a good impression

with a stranger

so that i can have a place

to put my shit

and just be.

my home,  was 7 rooms dripping in sunlight.

the vibe was welcoming and hug like.

the cave, 3 rooms

is dark

and very very ordinary.

ordinary would be fine if love was here.

i should re-phrase that.

if hope was here.

we care about each other.

and when he is speaking with me.

its ok here.

and  i can always find some joy

some glimmer of light

but…he is struggling

and it’s so very very sad

he can barely manage his day to day.

and he ended what could have been hopeful

so i have to find my own.

i said  recently you realize i am moving on.

it’s just not happening overnight

he said i knew you would.




Miss Dancing With The Sun

•September 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment

i have mentioned the cave,  perhaps i haven’t mentioned that it’s located off a highway. it’s miles to get to much of anything, certainly not something redeeming. i say that because of what i have known. i tend to find beauty around me no matter what. yet, that doesn’t mean that i don’t miss what i would define as living preferences or aesthetic. as i am preparing for what is next for me – i will go back to creating light. I regret trustingly taking on a path that i believed was going to be a stepping stone. or believing even that mr cowboy was a man of his word. i kick myself that i missed how not on the same page all of this was. untruths.

that said, i sure do miss moments like this..where the natural light was warm, shiny and bright in a way,  and not only felt right but also photographed well. sigh.

florals from about town, the zinnia’s i would visit at the post office.

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