i didn’t parallel myself and the way that i live, operate in the world and express myself to the word “introverted” until this last year.
took me long enough.
the parts of an introvert that I resonate with….are the out of my mind anxiety at going to places – social circumstances in particular. the lengths i go to …to not go. or the relief i feel when someone i know is going to be there and they can buffer the awkward way i feel in crowds of people.
i can attend other events or circumstances with absolutely no angst, but on the other side of them – like back to back busy days? I have to internally recharge. the time it takes to recharge sometimes is multiple days.
i am sure there is more about me that falls into defining myself as an introvert – my being an artist, the eldest child, a life full of abandonment.
in hindsight, introversion, quirks, learning challenges, even at some layer disabilities are all part of what makes me who i am.
a doctor i know once spoke to the brilliant coping strategies we develop when we are special and young and I just never defined any of these things until these recent years.
putting myself in extreme isolation and poverty was part of the umbrella from which to observe myself.
i had been acting this way
for a very very long while.
i had not noticed the pattern exactly
until these last years.
i might yearn for good company.
emotional safety and release.
and sure that can show up in my self portrait work
but the reality ?
that bathrobe and i ?
we are terrific friends.
the hyper focus i bring sometimes to my projects
often they make me lose track of time
a lot of that happened this past year
and out if it
a high volume of creativity.
what got me through the months i lived in this country studio, are the same things that get me through my days now in the loft.
self – employment
scratch cooking/as meditation
and my art.
all the layers of it.
someone found me on instagram today
we worked on a challenging project together
i recall i enjoyed the project immensely
i just find the internet to be another strong coping mechanism.
i’d be lost and completely unexpressed if the internet disappeared.
thinking about that sortof freaks me out.