Hard To Find The Light

it’s like that here.

hard to find the light.

where as before, in the central time zone.

the light was available and telling.

even in the cave there were moments of light.

i got a yes to wanting panties, or a sale, but no follow through.

seemingly a pattern as panty sales go.

his loss

right??

i am at this in between things place.

no new projects at the moment.

a friend, whom i have yet to meet

hinted to a meeting recently.

i had quite the crush on him

today he found out he has prostate cancer.

what awful news

Tension

the difference a year might make

or doesn’t make.

if you have anxious thoughts

work from home

are an introvert

and or are a creative.

like me.

it is for your best interest to chunk your week/day/ nights down to

days when you do this.

and days/nights or times that

you do the other.

that way, when it’s thursday

your head goes to feeling

like perhaps

you might have thursday things to do.

tasks and such that are moving things forward, as they say.

these last years

i can’t say my game face has been on that straight.

my biggest sidetrack has mostly been.

me. my struggles. my nerves. or my limitations.

occasionally i get a glimpse of brilliance

but i think desperate is more apt to be my middle name lately.

what a ball of tension these last years have been

many of you who communicate with me outside of this blog

know i am very non-political

but as last years election was nearing it’s end

the tension was internationally palpable.

we all manifested it

and a year later, i think many are still holding their breath.

nothing is very relaxing these days.

i was trying to find the nude love from a year ago.

tricky my dears.

tricky.

this tunic is rather old.

i was wearing it the summer i hung with old man

oh dear, that was a decade-ish ago.

it finally shredded.

to the list of

wishes.

tunics.

at this time of year

i wear a tunic and add a sweater.

leggings.

soon will come socks

( did i tell you i was gifted single toe socks, so i can now dork out the toe sock and sandal look? it’s seriously hot. )

missing this tunic.

not missing this tension.

i’ve gone so surviving lately

that i am distracted

and or

just anxious.

mostly i don’t quite recognize myself

forgive that part of me.

will you??

#05 KSmith Series

when assembling this album over at FLICKR I wrote that the reveal of my collage work is sometime more insightful than my nudes.

Should you care to give:

art magazine subscriptions/especially those with nudity

things you have lying around the house that i can tear apart: art magazines, nude photography magazines, erotic art etc – italian vogue for example are really fun, high end and often very avante-garde

PM me. and I will tell you were to send them.

below my birthday collage

for sale.8.5 x 11

$120 plus shipping. flat

one of a kind, never duplicated.

and so i can pay rent.

myself as a still life. yellow butterflies = death of a loved one to many a friend of mine, they – the butterflies are a symbol of life after death, i suppose a nude as a still life might be objectifying, but i think it’s like putting aging in a collection of what might be pleasing – taking a second look or just looking at what isn’t exactly the thing you want to see but you find beauty in it anyway – i do that in my home – visual celebrations i like to call them, they please my day to day. as i do with my self portrait photography.

i like the tension in this piece. its real.

 

 

Lost His Wife

sometimes i wonder if this person still ever visits here – i met him originally on flickr and he’s long gone from there now – he was a photographer in the tx area and he did some really impressive male nudes. artful. great post production. he was personally frustrated and expressed that in his work. studio photographer. he introduced me to the word hirsute and shared with me how he had lost his wife to menopause. lost her completely. she and all she loved about her completely disappeared. lost his wife.

i will be truthful and share i really get how the chemistry of this natural life shift for women can feel like one is losing perspective on things. it’s really emotionally unravelling sometimes. noone should have to be in the middle of this alone. noone. granted my circumstances are a roller coaster ride anyway. and recent unravellings are no less emotional. train wreck emotional actually. i feel like i could declare it. train wreck.

tried to find the birthday love. wasn’t particularly easy.

my actual day was quiet, uneventful and really restful. nice. and the phone rang a lot. which is more nice.

someone posted on FB – relax – your butt doesn’t look that big.

i thought that was funny

here i is, another year older.

Might Seem Like A Simple Thing

when someone inquires about buying a panty of mine – they get a standard reply  – it shares a set of terms. no negotiating.

I then follow up with this:  

when someone buys a pair of panties from me the funds assist me in paying for food, a recent increase in rent, gasoline. I then divide what is left and save for things like: a much needed raincoat, shoes, last on the list is art supplies: like magazine subscriptions for collage tearing – or fees to submit art to galleries or frames to show my work. my current income level is very low – so the extra, makes a difference for me. just a thought.

it’s a courtship of sorts. the reply is always kind vs crude which i have to say i appreciate, some say the price is high but they get why it’s priced that way. 

they have two ways to go. make a decision. 

ready get set go.

one more day left in the month to consider making a patreon donation plus this weekend is my birthday weekend!!

i’ve been negotiating a panty sale.

might seem like a simple thing but it helps.

a lot.

noone appreciates it more than me.

 

 

 

Introverted

i didn’t parallel myself and the way that i live, operate in the world and express myself to the word “introverted” until this last year.

took me long enough.

the parts of an introvert that I resonate with….are the out of my mind anxiety at going to places – social circumstances in particular. the lengths i go to …to not go. or the relief i feel when someone i know is going to be there and they can buffer the awkward way i feel in crowds of people.

i can attend other events or circumstances with absolutely no angst, but on the other side of them – like back to back busy days?  I have to internally recharge. the time it takes to recharge sometimes is multiple days.

i am sure there is more about me that falls into defining myself as an introvert – my being an artist, the eldest child, a life full of abandonment.

in hindsight, introversion, quirks, learning challenges, even at some layer disabilities are all part of what makes me who i am.

a doctor i know once spoke to the brilliant coping strategies we develop when we are special and young and I just never defined any of these things until these recent years.

putting myself in extreme isolation and poverty was part of the umbrella from which to observe myself.

i had been acting this way

self entertaining

self creating

self coping

for a very very long while.

i had not noticed the pattern exactly

until these last years.

i might yearn for good company.

sexual entertainment

emotional safety and release.

and sure that can show up in my self portrait work

but the reality ?

that bathrobe and i ?

we are terrific friends.

the hyper focus i bring sometimes to my projects

often they make me lose track of time

a lot of that happened this past year

and out if it

a volume

a high volume of creativity.

interesting.

what got me through the months i lived in this country studio, are the same things that get me through my days now in the loft.

light.

self – employment

scratch cooking/as meditation

my privacy

and my art.

all the layers of it.

someone found me on instagram today

from 2009.

we worked on a challenging project together

i recall i enjoyed the project immensely

i just find the internet to be another strong coping mechanism.

i’d be lost and completely unexpressed if the internet disappeared.

thinking about that sortof freaks me out.

 

The Human Part Of Getting Older

every year around this time i get a 6 year old sense of entitlement. it’s human to feel expectant. i don’t justify it anymore nor do i try and explain it. i instead feel indulgent, giddy and gleeful – my birthday is coming. my birthday is coming!! i love my birthday!! There is a photo of me as a toddler, the cake is homemade, placed on a silver platter. formal, and special. the ceremony of blowing out a candle – a pause, a wish just for me was never missed. there was the boxed spice cake with buttercream frosting – seasonal. i can still muster the exact taste of it in my mouth or the angel food cake – cooling upside down on the glass pop bottle – with…you guessed it –buttercream frosting! I have never made scratch frosting or cake. well, i’ve tried to make cakes and i suck.

my birthday – at least until i was 23 was the one day of the year where i could be celebrated for me without having to be anything other than me. no forced march, no obligatory useless gifting. that might sound bitchy or ungrateful. truth be, i just felt there became a time where my birthday was not about me anymore

if you lived near, i’d make you a meal from scratch and with words, i’d tell you what is remarkable about you. i might not get you a present, and the meal might be an egg salad sandwich – but the bread will be sourdough and toasted, the egg salad will at least have celery in it, and there will be a candle to blow out because …that’s what you do to celebrate the birth of another human.

i realize i often repeat themes in my writings here. i don’t remember sometimes what i’ve said before …

i have a girlfriend who gets me, and each year we indulge each other in a list of gift ideas that would be ridiculous – it makes us laugh each and every year. she has never given me a present but always gives me a giggle.

she yells at me because my lists are very practical, and not much changes from year to year in what makes me happy. but we still giggle about it.

i suppose that means i am set in my ways. is that settled and complacent? or is it being comfortable in ones own skin. funny how we be self critical. it’s just a wish list.

another person i know spends in a manic way – over spends, over consumes, over indulges to the point of spare bedrooms that example high degree hoarding. i have no patience for this type of behavior. it angers me. wasteful. i get that its an immediate gratification thing, or retail therapy as they call it. i have art to gratify me – thank goodness for free endless imagery in digital cameras and magazines to repurpose.

Here is the wish list i sent my girlfriend this year:

  1. food.  to be indulgent would be to have libation supplies. things for brunch embellishment or yippee friday night happy hour.  winter is coming and to not have to worry about things like soup stock, nuts, and seeds and grain, canned goods, chocolate and snacks …is always a treat for me. since my food budget is very small. every bit helps
  2. linen.  if you wash your linen – it just wears out. i like two sets so that i can not have to wait until something comes out of the dryer. i could use a duvet cover to brighten things up.
  3. shoes. enough said. i always need shoes.
  4. clothing. the last area i indulge myself in. i desperately need a lightweight raincoat/hat and fleece/flannel things. wet season is pending.
  5. gas money – a road trip on my actual bday with some lunch out cash, and perhaps you in the driver seat.  sigh
  6. haircut or pedicure, i don’t need anything fancy, a trim and no polish. just someone to clean up what i can’t do myself.

see why she yells at me??? she told me to get a life.  her list includes trips to far away places,designer luggage, and spa visits – after this last trip i took. the appeal of travel is greatly reduced. i never have the right clothes. Worrying about it not from an appearance perspective but from a being comfortable and feeling fun and put together perspective. like being prepared, looking my age and not looking like the thrift find that i am. i am a nervous traveller. more so i am becoming more and more of a nervous person. my life is making me nervous. 

my wish list is really not much different from my patreon profile. perhaps i am just too human and too serious.