Kindness

•August 28, 2015 • 4 Comments

kindness.

many of you are worried about me.

authentically concerned.

there are those whom i have known from here

for some time.

and then new folks

who arrive in the middle of the story.

a message at my flickr account found me this week.

it said:

“I have encountered your photos occasionally and today dropped into your profile to learn more. You do a beautiful job of expressing your creativity and your personality. I followed a few of your posts and picked up the part about your recent breakup, and a reference to moving to a new place. Please don’t despair, you are resilient and your flexibility give you potential to attain your aspiration for companionship that will bring lightness and fun back to your life.”

WOW.

Right??

I mean how very very kind.

if it wasn’t for all of you

stopping by

clicking through

commenting

favoriting

and experiencing

what i can only best describe as my day to day

i’d be one very lonely woman.

i have never thought of myself as having an hourglass figure

a tad too thick in the middle

but this one fakes it fairly well.

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Summer Passed Me By

•August 26, 2015 • Leave a Comment

NOT in the mood for my day today.

letting it be just that.

obviously the mirror needed cleaning

but i went with it.

i will post the rest of the shots from this set next time.

i ran across these other shots.

the splash of color isn’t from now

my day to day isn’t rich with color

instead it’s more like this mirror.

not quite clear.

summer passed me by.

small truck load of my stuff just left.

an auctioneer guy came took it and will give me 50% of what he sells it for.

just like that.

i am actively raising funds to leave here.

you may contribute if you like.

moving my belongings 2000 miles

is costly.

add a place to live

a deposit.

a fee to join a business networking group

expenses to make the drive.

one $ at a time.

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Tuesday Gone By

•August 19, 2015 • 4 Comments

tuesday has now passed.

that one where i requested to speak on a sunday.

the request after 6 full days of silence had gone by.

the request where mr cowboy replied “maybe on tuesday”

the answer i felt was quotable.

he came to the talk table with these comments:

i have nothing to say

i offer no apology

he then shared he has nothing but indifference about our situation

in short he said he just no longer cares.

are we done yet?

hmmm.

not much to work with there.

that said.

i made a very big life shift decision last week.

i am going to move 2000 miles from here.

a vacation a decade ago

inspired the idea

a friend I met there will be a connector.

i will know noone there

and so,

out of nothing

and,

as soon as i possible can

i have to raise the funds to make that happen.

like a lot of funds.

when someone you know loses someone.

someone they cared about.

do you tell them to snap out of it?

like get a grip?

i hope not

because loss has a process.

i respect and embrace that process

i am not one to pretend that everything is “fine” for appearance sake.

because what is happening here is not fine.

please be compassionate.

yes. donations are very welcome.

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The Cave

•August 16, 2015 • Leave a Comment

yesterday i asked mr cowboy to talk.

it’s been since sunday since we spoke.

he said, maybe tuesday.

at this point his reply is quotable,

nothing more.

living in the cave

as a creative

has been a challenge.

as you know,

the natural light sources are few.

the kitchen

the living room

and the closet.

obviously the closet light is a single bulb

i love these two abstract pieces

because they really represent how i feel right now.

barely visible.

on my knees.

and alone.

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Exampling Curves

•August 14, 2015 • 2 Comments

the ease of which these dresses pull on

giving the illusion of being clothed

is a lovely thing.

eventually the elastic wears out

not sure how

one day it’s there

the next

poof it’s gone.

if ever an image examples curves

this might be that.

curvy.

the black and white

feels like a hug

a self hug.

which i

really really

need right now.

 
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The Difference A Day Makes

•August 11, 2015 • 2 Comments

funny what one tells themselves as a drama unfolds.

that the belief you have about a circumstance

or in a person

could very well be what you need to believe in order to survive.

where the actual reality.

the realness of it all,

is completely different.

my reality with mr cowboy shifted this weekend

i remember when my father got mad

it was if his anger filled the space

and the room completely trembled.

that mans teeth rattled.

when he was mad

the anger blew out his ears.

he and seemingly all the men in my life

then go silent.

they say nothing for long brutal extended periods of time

i feel that they fear that saying something wrong

would have them lose the little control they feel in the world.

when someone does the silence thing.

i feel

it is THE most belittling

disrespectful action.

ever.

however declarative i feel about it.

it is seemingly in every path of life i take.

last night mr cowboy lost it.

he pointed his finger and he TOLD me.

emotional bullying.

i have never been spoke to that way before.

not with a tone of hatred.

not in a way that felt frightening.

not in a way that has me startled

and think to myself wow –

for the first time since i have known you i don’t like who you are.

the situation is now more than uncomfortable.

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Sorrow Down To My Toes

•August 7, 2015 • 4 Comments

i hurt.

my deep spaces

throb

my heart feels broken

my what might be next is freaked.

sobs erupt.

shoulder shaking

sorrow down to my toes.

shit.

we are playing house

day to day

as if those words never left his mouth.

it is almost as if nothing was said.

 

yet.

words were said.

and since,

more words have been spoken.

he says:

not ready

not capable

pressure.

i foolishly advocate

two are better than one.

seemingly it is too late.

in some ways the “as you were” fascade is reassuring

angry takes work.

in other ways

it is confusing.

i stand at the stove.

he asks,

how was your day?

i say, woeful unfortunately.

not a good one.

he steps closer

his hand finds the small of my back

he leans in.

i am sorry he says.

his breath is warm on the side of my neck

my back arches

he moves my hair

to reveal my neck.

i begin to shake.

our chemistry.

our chemistry.

our chemistry.

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