Best Of 2019

if you recall i do this annually,  this collect the best thing.

I began in 2012

7 years of bests.

doing it differently this year

fans gave quite a few of these a strong response

but perhaps deciding the best

is a different story.

care to chime in?

which are your favorite and why.

i figure two from each category should do it.

plus one for a cover of sorts

as if it were a calendar.

noone has ever bought a calendar

noone buys my nude images either.

whatever.

perhaps there is no point

except to see the year in review.

for a year that i didn’t feel particularly sexy/attractive

i love many of these.

the artist part of me is strident.

perhaps that’s the point.

there are 35 images. i uploaded all into a gallery style. click the first image and you can view and arrow forward.  i forgot to watermark these. dammit.

12 rows. 1-2-3, per row. except the last row.

what speaks to you and why??

the categories are: 

torso

breast

ass

full/classic

masturbate

other

 

December 2019

i’ve been reviewing my year past. i do this annually.  I have done so since… gosh, the early 90’s??  i have some deeper dives to do still. i took on some things differently this year and i think i am still too close to them.

this blog is one of them.

or how i blog here.

a few of you tried to get to know me a bit better this past year and while i am grateful, not one circumstance has manifested into something valid. like a reliable friend. a gal like myself could use a friend. someone actually available

not sure the random way of contact really works for me.

a month ago someone wrote: 

“I’ll reply as quickly as I see your responses”

haven’t heard from him.

he’s not an online person, so perhaps he has not “seen” what i wrote a month ago.

promptly, and in polite response to him.

he also wrote he has to be in the mood to reply. what the f does that mean??

he reads these posts, i think, so perhaps he’ll now write.

he wants me to trust him. he says.

he has been a fan for a very long while.

I can’t even get to know him.

the long wait in between communications is contrary to what he says.

i sortof don’t get it.

whats going on here??

i wonder if I was the gal next door would it be the same?

probably a stupid question.

another very long term devoted fan was also more communicative with me, and offered less cryptic replies. i had put him in his place more than once. he specifically asked for another chance at communicating. I gave it. I got vulnerable with him and then, much like his pattern prior he disappeared. he’s someone who could be a connection for me for something I need in the realm of my computer. I like the idea of knowing someone like that. but ….its not easy to ask for help with someone you can’t trust to even offer a consistent banter. i one is going to disappear then say so.

a former “mr” liked one of my posts on flickr. in asking how he is – he replied, “miserable” I know him well enough to perhaps fill in the blanks, but i did reach out to ask how he was doing. no reply. whatever. why reply with “miserable” in the first place, if you don’t want to discuss it.

another fan who has been kind, inquisitive and emotionally attentive has stopped writing. i don’t blame him, i’ve been a real downer this year. perhaps that’s a burden to another. early in my blogging days I was more relaxed. i am not that person anymore. don’t ask me to be.

the list goes on, i feel like i am either complaining. or hard to satisfy, or unreasonable. or i feel like this blog is my personal space and i owe none of these men. most of which are married a single thing. this leaves me confused about why i am here.

that is the question out there regarding my work here.

i will leave it as that.

i found this gem of a black and white during another image search.

yes, its the green chair.

taken at my house.

maybe i will render this one.

i can’t sit on my feet like this anymore.

 

 

 

More Quick Sketches

the first quick sketch, got complicated, way too many light nuances. i felt impatient with it.

the second had the green chair in mind. and i watermarked these incorrectly. oh well. i am obviously sourcing these from images i’ve taken. i notice in my resource selection i am avoiding hands at all costs. i suck at hands. i have a history with rendering. going back to my childhood. a blank page makes me anxious, and sometimes if something isn’t going well i can feel even more anxiety. i remember the desire as a young girl of needing perfection. in college i did tightly tightly rendered portraits that would exhaust me. they were good. just not sustainable.

that’s why i am making these quick. to try and loosen things up a bit.

as a side, i entered 3 photographs into a show under my alter ego name, and around the topic of cupping, which the urban dictionary defines it as winter interludes/dating. i don’t have a lot of work in this erotic realm since i have such little of a love life, but these that i do have i hope are accepted into the visual conversation. this is the first time i’ve submitted work under this name even though i’ve been her for a decade. it made me super nervous, but it also felt a tad daring.

it’s expensive. each 8 x 10 photo print is $13, on a rag cotton paper. by MOAB, plus the cost of the 11 x 14 matt and frame, add shipping both ways. pricey.  as it stands I can only send one in. should they want all three – i may disappoint them with what limits me.

all said, i may have 4 openings that month. FOUR!! 3 group events and one solo exhibit. nice way to start the year. it helps me when i sell art. 1/2 i spend on getting ahead financially. big bills like the tag for my car. this website, the other 1/2 i use to treat myself. usually a meal out with a friend. or i save up for a pair of shoes. a coat.

it helps me more when i do art. helps me be me.

too bad there is no one around me who really gets that.

 

The Nap

the sky was bleak when i awoke and it remained dim into the afternoon.

lifeless and bored.

not an invitation into the day.

instead, a day of retreat.

the sort of day lap blankets were made for.

in the afternoon i slipped under the covers nude and settled into an immediate nap

the kind that has one lose a few hours

the kind that has one awake drooling

wondering what day it is.

the kind of nap you wish you could put on instant replay.

the cat nestled soundly in the crook of my knees, her motor of a purr idling

she knows better to settle on my feet.

i was reading a really good book

but for all of me, i could not keep my eyes open.

can’t even recall the last i took an afternoon nap.

i will eat potstickers tonight.

the kind in a bag. frozen, that one can boil or fry

i boil and sit them in a pool of sesame oil, and tamari, perhaps some red chili paste

i will regret not having sesame seeds,

but a bit of shredded carrot and green onion will help.

the fridge is almost empty. again.

the pork in these pot stickers is meager but spiced well. they are the good kind that i pay a little bit more for.

at least i won’t have too many dishes to do.

i am out of foodness that entertains me

albeit there is a new jar of peanut butter.

and an apple left.

i was thinking more of the happy hour amusement

the thing i don’t need, but enjoy and try and enjoy especially during a holiday

i try and remind myself that perhaps its festive. perhaps i am having fun now.

did you have fun?

the cheap frosted cookies with sprinkles on top will offer the same sort of amusement at christmas.

i put two on a little fancy glass plate.

but i will always eat two more.

because i can.

because growing up we were only allowed two cookies and i always always wanted more.

i keep telling myself to make a trip to the place where I can purchase thin lemon wafers to have with an afternoon tea, but i know better to begin a habit like that.

i hate going to that store for just a single item. add that the parking lot is unbearable. claustrophobic, and moody. like the worst parking lot ever.

i go when someone treats me. when i can buy more of said items than one, making the trip somehow more bearable.

perhaps i could marinate some cucumber and onion for a little salad with my potstickers.

unless this new customer buys from me tomorrow i will have to let go of my status for work. i am beginning to wonder if holding onto the status makes for a stress on my life that I can shift.

it will make december a tough cash month. in theory my fat november secured all that i needed in a obligatory holiday way. at least to me.

i am already done sending gifts of love off this past monday, and greetings of a sort to others this past friday.

it’s the little extra that I won’t have.

for the happy hours and cookies on a plate.

if i stay where i am living now until i die

i am not sure who will be the person who finds me.

its very quiet here. no bustle, no noise of another’s TV, no chatter even in the hall, and i love this part of where i live deeply. if those noises were around me, i’d be in a mood that would make noone want to be around me. i hate noise.i thrive on the quiet.

i wish to die in my sleep much like the nap i had today

where i can’t keep my eyes open a moment longer and where the cozy of the covers

gifts an indescribable joy.

i won’t know who finds me, will I.

i won’t care either.

wonder why i care so much about it now.

 

The Friday After

i grocery shopped monday.

i, like everyone else, blew off shopping on the weekend.

so, the store was stupid full of people,

the store added more inventory so the aisles were more stupid full of all you need for turkey, buy buy buy …stupid

the look on folks faces was one of both panic and ….wait for it, stupid!!!

i needed everything, so i knew I was stupid and it was going to be a long or at least 90 minute shop

add another hour to that.

2 1/2 hours. yup.

and i could only blame myself for waiting until monday.

so… i donned my imaginary big wide brimmed “i am very patient” hat.

and just tried to be nice. what else can you do??

in the spirit of people watching.

a few stood out.

a few who had either a spirit of kindness about them,

or that fuck you get out of my fucking way i need a fucking turkey spirit.

i perused their carts. overflowing, and made up a story about them.

the fuck you dude was wearing a suit. we don’t get a lot of suits in this store. just sayin …

i think he was shopping for his mother. what he had in his cart did not look like him.  i saw him think really hard about buying flowers. he stood considering them for a very very long while. when he picked them up, I thought way to go dude in the suit. someone will feel that long thought. that decision to get. he will brighten someone’s day with those flowers.

the gal who almost needed two carts was i think a mom, or a seriously generous sister or aunt to folks with kids. her cart was piled so high she could barely see over it. she was pretty, dressed smart and rather funny in the way she shopped. she caught me staring at her. i made a recommendation, and then made her really laugh. and then I had to apologize because I almost cried. that sortof cry that comes from the relief of a good laugh. shit. there i am the bearded lady in the grocery store. sobbing. note: i didn’t cry in the grocery store. but i was close.

i did cry earlier though. i mailed off some holiday packages. with a great sense of pride actually because i had saved all year so that i could send something off to the few in my life that i want to gift to. just 3 packages. but i filled them with love. from me. which i haven’t been able to do in a long while. one of the items i sent was “smoked salt”. don’t laugh. if i sent you salt. you would thank me. kid you not.

anyway, earlier i had to parallel park. i can. i am not afraid or avoid that type of parking, i just take my time when i do it. a dude behind me waited. he then stopped next to me with a huge grin on his face and gestured a thumbs up. not an asshole thumbs up, but a real genuine thumbs up. like way to go nice parking job lady thumbs up. it was a gesture from a perfect stranger that caught me completely by surprise.  I totally lost it. big tears down my cheeks, head down on the steering wheel. shoulders shaking. sobbing. which actually felt really good.

i looked like a train wreck going into the very crowded post office and found i was shaking. emotional release and all.  i thought. you are loved somehow. in this world that you do all by yourself. people love you.

perhaps you recall a year ago. my bearded face and i were acknowledged by a room full of strangers. i unanimously won the people’s choice award. it took every single part of me not to lose it in front of that crowd of people who affirmed my courage and my gumption to grow the hair out on my face. pretty great shit.

i am in a mood today because i feel like i FINALLY have found some peace around the topic of solo and holiday. i finally get how to have it be mine. to own it.

when folks ask – any special plans for thanksgiving?? ( the very worst question someone can ask a lonely person quite truthfully ) 

i get to say. “NO. not a single plan, isn’t that wonderful?? I have a new book, and some great meals I plan to make and nowhere to go. It’s perfect!!” 

and it was!!

i had the best day!!

all by myself.

well, me and my cat.

i think i get it now. i get how to do holiday and be completely free around the entire hoopla of it.

where 10 years ago, i felt it. empty nest felt it. new, in a new town in a new house. new. alone. oppressively alone. felt it.  i wasn’t a stranger to not having my children with me, they defaulted to their fathers side of the family for all holidays many years before. we found our way to do celebrations but as they grew older. i was last in the family equation. and i felt it.

i am not sure why this year feels like an “i’ve got this” epiphany. but it does.

i was just having a flashback to the horror of two years of holiday and the meals served from the extended family of mr cowboy. how can anyone ruin a turkey dinner? powdered potatoes in a plastic lined crock pot…..are you kidding me???

 

 

Last Shots

i took a few goodbye images so to speak in the green chair.

they are not my best. in that chair.

but, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s hard to capture much in this apartment without also capturing things in the back round.

As you recall i am rather mindful of that.

  1. gotta love my left ankle. those my dears are scratches and bites from my cat. and this poor poor chair. can you see how yesterdays news it is??
  2. my beard is now a year old, from the time I won that award. the one where the entire room unanimously voted it “people’s choice”. ahem. it’s exactly the same length. AND, i had  an inch trimmed off of it twice. lordy, the thing actually grows. I told you it was pervasive.
  3. this shot is probably the closest to classic green chair as it gets. considering the season. getting light on a subject matter is pretty tricky.