last week a person was kind enough to write to me and try and cheer me up. we had a bit of a banter some time ago that fizzled for one reason or another. have to say that his reaching out to me was rather sweet
it reminded me of the old days and the attention many of you, some rather personal attentions actually, use to shower me with. when one has an audience. one performs. well, not performs exactly. the attentions definitely fueled the creativity. it was nice to have someone watching.
in todays day i am not sure who is here. not in the same way. there are those who lurk. they know they are not welcome. they will lurk nonetheless, and then there are those who will still be here even though they have hurt my feelings, been unkind or expectant of me. i get all that. it’s just that the audience is now different. and i have been trying to express that i too am not the same. at least the same as when i started here in 2009.
i am getting to “the other side of” mode. a long long getting to the other side of – part of which is taking each day as it comes. some days good. some not so good. not my best self at the moment
with the shift into 2018. and the way i like to post things. the blog gets imagery from a year ago. flickr gets images from two years ago. that’s my system. i do it that way because i fear i will run out of nudes, so i post retro just to be sure i am ahead of the game and also because if i posted ever so randomly – the story would get all mixed up. this is after all a narrative of sorts.
for the sake of conversation – and my expressing the fact that i got to the other side of this …and to confuse you this post is breaking my own rule.
2 years ago ( this part really belongs on flickr) , i was DEEP into apt hunting mode, enjoying the pet therapy of a roommate’s cat, and enduring some pretty heady passive aggressive behavior from this roommate. i was a stranger in a strange land, and had secured some great creating opportunities, i was in the midst of a new project – even still – what i came here for was thwarted.
i found this first image and thought oh my gosh that person was such a piece of work, and then got sidetracked in finding more images of the same. oh yeah she was very very messy – i realize it’s totally caddy to nit pick about the trail someone left in her day to day, but i am going to anyway….because there is not much nudity to share from two january’s ago.
who else is going to listen to me.
every morning i’d wake up to this scenario. garbage was lined with a scented plastic bag ( have you ever smelled those? they are awful ) she took it out no matter how little was in it every morning. she left the empty can, swept the kitchen floor and left the crumb/dust/debris pile for me. this was her subtle hint to put a new bag in and pick up the pile?
There was no dustpan. no discussion. no request. perhaps one can do that to a spouse, or a boyfriend, but to someone you just met?
( correct me if i am wrong but that’s classic passive aggressive – right? ) I think some layer of passive aggressiveness is around us all the time, some folks just express it in a way that isn’t healthy.
and then there was the trail.
the sortof personal gross trail that is rather inexplainable.
hair on the side of the shower – every single day, soggy wet, not wrung out wash cloths. her towels smelled. mold musty. even when washed or clean they smelled ( she realized when i was living there that she had been putting her laundry soap in the wrong compartment of the machine – or improperly washing her laundry for months) that was her side of the kitchen sink stacked high and more musty towels. she trimmed her hair and left the kleenex with hair on it on the bathroom counter, coffee stains every s-i-n-g-l-e day, this picture was a coffee “spill”, she never cleaned that up, it was there when i left. she would put “her” toilet paper on the holder. and remove mine. if i put mine back on ( we used different types of TP ) she would remove mine and put hers on instead. if i used her toilet paper she would leave me a note with smiley faces. endless smiley faces. telling me to use my own TP. Now perhaps she thought I left a trail, or a mess or hated the smell of my cooking, or or or but I tell you my commitment to not creating anything that she could ever complain about was huge. i was not inconsiderate.
the fake cat was mine. her cat, a love of a cat, and i became super great friends, she had fleas ( of course her cat had fleas) and she got mad that her cat liked me. i got bit. she denied that her cat had an issue.
the last image is rather abstract but its from that time frame again hard to find nudes from that month
where as, a YEAR ago, i was living in the country studio, growing a beard and mustache, catching mice and just getting to the other side of 6 weeks without a car. setting myself up to be extra vulnerable and hermit like.