the sky was bleak when i awoke and it remained dim into the afternoon.
lifeless and bored.
not an invitation into the day.
instead, a day of retreat.
the sort of day lap blankets were made for.
in the afternoon i slipped under the covers nude and settled into an immediate nap
the kind that has one lose a few hours
the kind that has one awake drooling
wondering what day it is.
the kind of nap you wish you could put on instant replay.
the cat nestled soundly in the crook of my knees, her motor of a purr idling
she knows better to settle on my feet.
i was reading a really good book
but for all of me, i could not keep my eyes open.
can’t even recall the last i took an afternoon nap.
i will eat potstickers tonight.
the kind in a bag. frozen, that one can boil or fry
i boil and sit them in a pool of sesame oil, and tamari, perhaps some red chili paste
i will regret not having sesame seeds,
but a bit of shredded carrot and green onion will help.
the fridge is almost empty. again.
the pork in these pot stickers is meager but spiced well. they are the good kind that i pay a little bit more for.
at least i won’t have too many dishes to do.
i am out of foodness that entertains me
albeit there is a new jar of peanut butter.
and an apple left.
i was thinking more of the happy hour amusement
the thing i don’t need, but enjoy and try and enjoy especially during a holiday
i try and remind myself that perhaps its festive. perhaps i am having fun now.
did you have fun?
the cheap frosted cookies with sprinkles on top will offer the same sort of amusement at christmas.
i put two on a little fancy glass plate.
but i will always eat two more.
because i can.
because growing up we were only allowed two cookies and i always always wanted more.
i keep telling myself to make a trip to the place where I can purchase thin lemon wafers to have with an afternoon tea, but i know better to begin a habit like that.
i hate going to that store for just a single item. add that the parking lot is unbearable. claustrophobic, and moody. like the worst parking lot ever.
i go when someone treats me. when i can buy more of said items than one, making the trip somehow more bearable.
perhaps i could marinate some cucumber and onion for a little salad with my potstickers.
unless this new customer buys from me tomorrow i will have to let go of my status for work. i am beginning to wonder if holding onto the status makes for a stress on my life that I can shift.
it will make december a tough cash month. in theory my fat november secured all that i needed in a obligatory holiday way. at least to me.
i am already done sending gifts of love off this past monday, and greetings of a sort to others this past friday.
it’s the little extra that I won’t have.
for the happy hours and cookies on a plate.
if i stay where i am living now until i die
i am not sure who will be the person who finds me.
its very quiet here. no bustle, no noise of another’s TV, no chatter even in the hall, and i love this part of where i live deeply. if those noises were around me, i’d be in a mood that would make noone want to be around me. i hate noise.i thrive on the quiet.
i wish to die in my sleep much like the nap i had today
where i can’t keep my eyes open a moment longer and where the cozy of the covers
gifts an indescribable joy.
i won’t know who finds me, will I.
i won’t care either.
wonder why i care so much about it now.