Who Was That Mr?

i like these images for the angst they portray.

final days here to the next move

so tension was thick.

there was this guy.

for the life of me now I can’t remember his “mr” name

we had a banter going for awhile

re: dating/meeting

distance however was an issue.

an appointment came up for me and i was going to be near him

so i asked if he would care to share an evening meal.

he agreed.

he was significantly late.

he had a necklace on.

big thick gold chain.

when a free appetizer arrived from the chef

he took his bread and scooped all the sauce off the plate.

i probably looked horrified.

he said something like

oh. sorry. i’m really hungry.

he spoke without breathing

for the next 2 1/2 hours.

he constantly looked at his phone.

mid dinner

i was fuming.

one can only uh huh so much.

i stopped even nodding at some point.

he was so not interesting.

and so full of himself

and so rude.

the dinner was great.

at least there was that.

when i got home.

i was still furious.

was it me.

did i do

or be

something

that had him

act that way?

it was my 4th

monster of a date in this town

and it sucked.

all of them sucked.

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How To Be My Friend

a gal friend recently shared that i am living the life of a hermit.

i have been thinking about this

and i agree with her.

it’s partly a life of one day at a time of survival

it’s also a part of living within my means

which, as means go,  is very very little.

setting limits like

i can do this…

i can afford one tank of gas per month.

last year that was a reality,

and according to my annual mileage.

instead of freaking out over that.

i felt rather proud of this detail.

i honored what i earn

by spending only what i have.

recently someone else asked how do i be friends with someone like you.

first,  i had to ask what she meant by someone “like” me

and she told me i was eccentric and brave.

wow.

what a compliment.

i said in reply…

to be my friend is to accept me for what i am

to understand that i give differently

that i consume differently.

that my rules/guidelines are my own/and often non-conforming.

you will never find anyone more loyal

or tremendously good company.

if you feel like you really don’t know how

ask me,

and we’ll figure out a way together.

and,

all that said, i think she will be a really terrific friend.

as time goes by.

as i age.

as people come and go.

i like that the going part doesn’t matter anymore

i like that i have realized that holding on to folks that are not good for me

does not make me happy or loved.

i’d rather have less,

and have those that get it.

then more.

LOVE this set of images.

they are my valentines gift to you today.

this former apt did not celebrate light very well

and in the bleak of winter, even less

i was packing,

roommate zilla had been out of the country for a month.

but she was coming back soon.

and that kitty and me time

was going to end.

the sun rays were so much fun.

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All Fluffy

me thinks if roommate zilla ever knew i sat on her fancy chairs nude she might have about freaked. i remember this particular morning because for once it was bright and the sun was really warm. normally a chill was in the air and ever so bleak was more the going thing.

obviously i had just gotten out of the shower – things were all fluffy. grin

if i look at these past winter months over the last few years all i was ever doing was moving, packing or selling something.

i will be at my country studio a year soon. the landlord has hinted to a increase in rent, but i plan to ignore that. the last thing i am interested in is moving. i am sure you believe me when i say that!!

i expected more commentary on the beard and mustache.

those against it feel that shaving is a choice. like …ewwww you have hair on your face – get rid of it. their mainstream thinking is that women do not sport facial hair – my choosing not to shave it to some is an act of defiance.   others feel i won’t be taken seriously or it will hinder my ability to be hired.  i am an artist and I live a hermit boho lifestyle – i don’t interact with the masses on a regular basis. my art speaks louder than the hair on my face – it’s about the art. not my appearance. others say i limit my ability to be attractive to a man. well, since dating here is horrific and i’ve not had a line at my door, like ever – what difference will hair on my face make?? maybe hair on my face is just what i need. For those into bearded ladies – it seems to be virtually into. my real life is rather surreal if you think about it.

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Current Look

I have put myself in multiple public circumstances now with my beard and mustache. I notice two things:

  1. if i say nothing. people say nothing in return. polite, kind, no worries
  2. if i draw attention to it – speak of it, this makes folks feel compelled to offer commentary. and or makes them feel uncomfortable. who knew.

me thinks i like the say nothing approach.

I took this today. I am liking my facial hair more and more each day. it’s funny. one side is mostly white hair, where the other side, in both the beard and the mustache has some black in it.

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Things That Stay Constant

ever really observe your day to day?

those nuances, those quirks, those details, those things.

ever observe what has been the same

forever?

some things just always stay constant.

and then, when you shift them up.

you have to improvise.

like find the masturbation love

even if there is no natural light.

or let go of those really great sheets.

or be glad that mr wand is in your life.

or take pictures of a cat.

because how could you not.

( or in todays constant. its pictures of cows. moo.)

or this lamp.

which i got i think in 1999 or so.

i still really love it, love looking at it

and in my day to day

its a constant.

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The Act Of Removing

taken at my former apartment – i like the act of removing, i like the way it feels on my skin. the release of breast flesh as my sweater makes its way beyond them …the notion that it’s alluring somehow. especially if someone is watching. the only one watching at this point and time was the cat, and she obviously wasn’t that interested. the entire reason i take these images is to take a look at myself and remind me, myself and I….that there is beauty to be seen. if i looked in the mirror, my minds eye would see…lonely, scared and the marvel of my fallen breast tissue or how red i am – i was having a hot flash here – no pun intended. just my reality.  I’d like to just remove myself. period. i am experiencing a volume of anxiety lately. i can’t seem to separate myself from the zeal or tone of panic of so many around me. i am usually able to feel grounded and to distance myself.  not this time. how it shows up mostly is indecision. takes me a bit to get to things or to get things done. perhaps it’s winter, lack of light, the way it’s always below 65 degrees in here. i ache for comforting. or cozy or safe. or retreat. for a very long time. granted i am choosing to test myself. this month some letting go happening and bringing in new or different. change feels hard. 

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