i admit that when traveling west. i prided myself on the little i had with me. the gypsy or so i thought I was being. i wore the same few things for 4 weeks. had none of my belongings around me. i noticed about 1/2 way in that i would make little alters so to speak next to my bedside. things i had picked up along the way. rocks ( if you didn’t know i am a rock hound),a pretty postcard, a bit of nature – a leaf, a twig. i ached not to have to dig into a bag for one thing or another. i missed my green chair. i missed sleeping naked. i felt outside of my own skin. sure i did it. i did with little, and in the scheme of things i suppose i could continue that way. but the truth is…i like my things around me, my comforts, my routines. to me that is what home is about. i didn’t realize how routine oriented i was. or how home could be so easily lost. at this first apartment it took me a long while to unpack – knowing i had to leave didn’t help, and when i look at these – i can tell i was still not comfortable in my own skin. i could barely be with myself. i lost some time with this one. surviving sucks you into these one day at a time vortex’s. that slip of fabric over my shoulder? that was about as erotic as i could muster. privacy. the richest reward for being alone. at least it’s private.
About three weeks ago I posted this picture.
found a volume of support from many of you here.
I love that.
thought i’d chime in
as my social experiment continues.
it’s been a very tense and emotional few weeks.
not because of the hair on my face.
more so because of my life.
i have exposed my hair to many strangers.
as a matter of fact i bought a car ( yes — that fund that was so amazingly set up for me?? bought me a car!!!) i secured a new workshop, hung out with new friends, handled many tasks with people.
what i noticed unless I bring it up.
which invariably i do
at this juncture i feel a need to explain.
but if i don’t say anything.
folks don’t acknowledge it.
to me that says I am more worried about it than they are.
two friends have shared their “why would you do that” thoughts with me.
some have no comment.
others say judgemental things like…
if you want to attract people to you …
meaning that it’s ugly, and unattractive and or having it diminishes me somehow.
or my god thats ugly get rid of it.
those were people who get their nails painted on a regular basis.
i get those thoughts. i mean it’s not everyday you meet a woman who has this level of facial hair. am i correct???
so WHY am I growing the hair on my face?
to see what it looks like.
to experience what it feels like.
to see how it makes others behave around me.
to notice how it makes me feel around others.
as you can see.
what i am struck with most is the freedom not shaving offers me.
it’s completely liberated my day to day.
before i had to choreograph when i shaved to match the activities of my day.
now i can just go, all hairy and everything.
i can be more spontaneous somehow.
I also realize should i decide to keep it.
that i will still have to trim it, shave some of it and i guess understand how to maintain a beard and mustache
seems a bit like a hot mess at the moment.
i mean if i were a guy…
how would i decide if all of this is a keeper or not?
i tried this year to select images that reflect what i consider the essence of myself nude, yet remain authentic to the shit of a year it has been. what about you was it a tough year for you?? i mean i sat down yesterday and filled a page of accomplishments creatively. a very amazing year considering – a dismal year financially, and so much to deal with. drama everywhere – situations that are book worthy. almost unbelievable. yet – a lot of happiness was found somehow. there was poverty, celibacy, and so so very much alone. but shit …i did it. i got to the other side of 2016. the last three are at the apt w/ roommate zilla. i mean that cat was the ultimate in pet therapy. she and i had our reality. just the two of us. not a lot of good photography came out of that space – but this shot, the one of those panties lace was a moment #11. #10. i had just had it. i was in the midst of packing again. that day i got stood up on a date. #3 was day 8 or so after moving to the country studio. i had not looked in the mirror for 8 days straight. all i saw here was sheer emotional exhaustion. pretty somehow. like oh, yeah. i remember that. my opening the door in the bathrobe was actually more dating woes. it was like look, i am here waiting for you. my door is open. why are you messing with me? it’s my fantasy to have a line at my door of suitors. what would that be like? can’t believe i sold panties this year. geesh.
when i wrote my HAIR story here.
i had hoped it might of helped.
it’s been a journey.
you might like a natural woman.
and that’s your thing, and good for you
but being natural
isn’t always easy.
the last year in dating – i have asked for hair acceptance. the empathetic and or sexual response was not what i hoped for.
whats the big deal about hair they would ask?
well, since none of these men really got to know me ….ummm to them?
perhaps no big deal.
but from MY perspective
since i did bring it up and at some level asked for hair acceptance and adoration
then…perhaps some of THAT would have been nice.
i mean it’s supposed to be a thing.
i have mentioned hair on my face.
the challenge to shave my face was real.
i have been mustering the courage for two things
- to not shave it.
2. to be in mixed company with it.
and not be mortified.
( i am mortified )
so far, i am told
i have balls.
i have hair.
on my fucking face.
this is about 3 weeks growth.
would you go out with me??
another snow dump today
perfect sock weather.
3 new pairs in the mail.
the good kind of socks.
are they just not the most splendid things?
the slippers were a gift last holiday
and those ankle boots
for my birthday.
i take practical gifting
the gestures very very much
not sure if you know this about me,
i am pretty earthy.
pretty down to earth.
not woo woo. exactly.
but certain things call to me
the moon for one.
i am pretty true to giving these natural shifts some layer of ceremony and honor.
for as long as i can remember i pined for what i call being near cragged rock, dirt and trees
and while some of that was present at some level
all throughout my life.
like my living and breathing in the PNW
has provided me more of cragged rock, dirt and trees.
this has been a very very compelling part of this last year.
last night i had a burning to “give to the fire”
something that represented my past.
i burned all the papers from the house i lost.
the compulsion to do so was a PULL
the catharticism — is that a word?
the release of…
was way more cathartic …there, thats the way to use that word.
way more cathartic than i expected.
i smelled like smoke last night
all those papers are so GONE.
simmering on the stove was a big pot of red beans.
a gal friend and i drank champagne.
it was actually a neat night.
this week mr boatman came and helped me shop for used cars.
another layer of clarity
I now KNOW what i want.
the funding still in progress
i am running out of time.
nine days until i loose the loaner.
MORE funds to raise.
today i went to look at something i found on craigs list
something perfect for me
something newly listed.
something near me.
the sucker sold it in the 30 minutes it took me to drive over.
when the text arrived. ” car is sold – thank you”
i was like WHAT?
I then said more than that.
on a positive note:
the season is not feeling alone everyone.
in all my years in the central time zone.
2009 – 2015.
i felt a LOT of holiday alone.
forced march mr cowboy psuedo family
boy that’s a hard thing to explain.
THIS year others are including me in their plans.
inviting me over.
bringing me cookies.
it feels warm, lovely and belonging.
i have places to be and make things for
and to feel festive with.
i told mr viking
all he has to do is “do me”, and then i can say i had sex in 2016
clocks ticking on that one.
i at least made him laugh.
below is holiday 2015
i tried really hard to find the merry.
at least there was self touch.
your concern about my trying to fund a car, and your offers to help are very very gallant and very kind.
progress IS being made.
but i still have a ways to go.
i am running out of time re: the loaner car. I have it until 12/31
my loaner is a touring car vs a country winter vehicle and it has been stuck in the driveway for a week now. frozen, no traction. so while helpful. it’s sortof not
please contact me off blog as to ways you can help.
anonymously nude at g mail dot com.
( never quite got why you do that – get all cryptic with ones email address and all, but there it is how to reach me)
and if I may
“with all good wishes” to you and yours.