This

to add to the drama of things

this happened.

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my landlord backed into my car with his camper.

my betty blue is indeed older,

yet she still has her good looks about her

while he.

said landlord.

said he would fix it,

there is the style in which one fixes things

that we have now become aware of.

meaning. he does things half ass and backwards.

he asked that i not involve insurance

he asked that i get an estimate

i did.

he then had the nerve to tell me my car is not worth the expense of the repair.

i hold my breath.

I say i expect my car to be returned to the condition it was in before he hit me

i hope my english makes sense to him.

Fridge Bright

not really a midnight snacker.

the fridge bright made for some fun lighting though.

giggle.

the 6 weeks before i left for the west were brutal.

thinking back perhaps i should have waited to tell him.

but then any prep i was doing to go would have had to been done secretly – REALLY hard to do in 3 rooms.  the cave sure took on new meaning.

i am sorry that these images are where we are at together right now.

i realize it’s a tad tormented here.

still sorting all of this in my head.

thanks for your concern for me.

i mean you go through it

you take pictures

you survive it

you realize along the way

you coped.

you get to the other side of it.

one dark lonely night after another.

visually

you found amusement

around you.

you made do.

you giggled.

i am my most creative

when things

suck.

actually

that’s not true

i really rock creatively when i have the attention of a man .

depleted my entire savings in car repairs.

panties are for sale.

images are for sale. anything here. or at flickr.

i have a new lower priced prints campaign going – ask me about it

donations are welcome.

just saying.

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At Least Some Things Stay The Same

the news of my glaucoma, the issues of my car needing repair and the lurking of my landlord set my emotional panic button off.

lost some time these weeks to an unnerving sense of overwhelm.

i forgot to bathe

had 5 days without a car.

cried in front of strangers

felt angst to my core.

i hold my breath when the landlord is here.

doing that for weeks is probably not a good thing.

me thinks this new mechanic will be a good person in my hip pocket.

things were better in 2014. at least there were woodland sunflowers

that left breast is officially a goner.

this chair could use a facelift

2014 at the house. 2015 at the cave. 2016 at the country studio

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Not Quite Despair

so.  first of all.

we’ve been through a variety of my shit together.

one thing or another. i’ll get through this layer just like i’ve gotten to the other side of other layers, but in this particular moment.

i need a hug the size of argentina

there is noone here in my physical realm to give me one.

my car needs repairs. …

we all knew betty blue doom was pending.

old soul that she is.

but here it is for real now.

car repairs aren’t ever fun.

full brakes,

power steering stuff

tires,

other old car things

the status report made me feel like i got an F on my report card

the initial estimate was many more times than my current cash stash.

given that i have 6 more days left to the worst income month this year

let’s just say the details of this are overwhelming me.

the good news is when i got here to the country studio

6 months ago.

( do you believe that??)

i looked for a mechanic, an independent …right away searched for, and i was referred to one.

so

lets hope he’s my guy.

my car mechanic guy.

me thinks a car guy in my hip pocket is a good thing.

this last thursday i was diagnosed with glaucoma

glaucoma is a disease sometimes referred to as ocular hypertension

it is genetic/ family history plays a huge role.

i was unaware of my strong family disposition.

only 3% of the population has this disease.

pressure in the eye damages the optic nerve

in normal well eye care glaucoma is supposedly part of the routine

seemingly in the well care i have had

since 2009.

they never noticed it.

hmmm.

if they had.

then damage could have been prevented.

could.have.been.prevented.

that said, damage in my left eye in particular

is severe.

there’s a word eh??

here is another great word.

irreversible.

my central vision is not harmed

but my peripheral vision is trashed

my father has gone blind.

so.

i am now doing drops that will help the pressure

and hopefully prevent any further damage.

since mr cowboy

i have been trying to manage well care

eye care.

decline in my ability to see up close

blurry stuff

driving stuff.

moving to another county complicated things

and him dumping me further complicated it all.

moving west

more complicated.

my need for a new scrip was on the to do list

in high priority actually.

getting an appointment took months

new insurance. new state.

here i am.

time gone by

damaging my eyes along the way.

a really good friend of mine from HS disappeared from my life

she used the word despair.

i think of her

when my overwhelm gets to be too much

i am today in over my head.

just there.

i know enough to give me

and it

the space it needs to

unravel

graciously.

if this happened all the time

this feeling of being so overwhelmed

that …

but it doesn’t.

i did cry this morning when i went 20 miles for the second time to send a fax and it wouldn’t go through. yup. cried. in front of a perfect stranger. that was house stuff business. unresolved. still

sigh.

if you feel like helping

buy some panties

or buy a nude print of one of my photographs

or

contribute if the mood strikes you.

won’t be the first time

i’ve asked for help.

no expectations

just glad that i have a place to sound out my stuff.

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Fine Lines

fine lines

i have been thinking about something,

the attention i emphatically enjoy from here

is from fans.

fans of

my nudity

or the story i’ve written

or the idea that you have access to me somehow

because i am responsive.

you encourage me

you keep me here

you keep me nude.

thank you.

so …

there is this fine line

when i date.

IF

i date

(i guess i should say)

dating isn’t happening currently

but if it did

i have to tread that fine line

of me.

and me here.

i say this

because me here.

much like growing out all of my hair

and the acceptance of that in my reality

is important.

all of you did that for me.

someone here said grow it.

you loved the process of it growing

you enjoyed it grown.

follow me so far?

so hello new man in my life

what might you want to know about me first.

i come fully loaded

complicated

passonate

different.

and

i am nude online. as an alter ego.

hope you are good with that.

i don’t want my potential dates to read or know the nude part of me

here.

well not exactly.

i mean

it’s here. and public

but

when they are getting to know me as a person

i would like the nude part to be.

part of the unwrapping

part of the discovery.

like most woman they know.

make sense??

if you know me from my online dating profile

and you know me nude and here

and, i know nothing about you

it somehow makes me really rather vulnerable.

let me reverse this thought.

here you all are

at my blog

and you see me nude

and you know my words

and you are kind to me

there are glimpses of my reality

mr’s come from this space.

dating??

is that a fine line?

why?

why does dating not come from here

whats the difference?

explain to me

if you wanted to date me

what had you not ask to meet me?

if i asked

do i set myself up for trouble??

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Outfit Deja Vu

get out of town.

i have this very same outfit on

like right now.

yes, this very minute

i am adorned exactly the same way as these shots!

ha!!

that around the house

simple

get up.

obviously nothing fancy.

no bra

no panties.

hair up in a clip.

sameness.

this image series

was taken at the cave.

it was wicked hot that day.

not sure what i was making there…

today

i also have a sweatshirt on.

cuz …it’s not hot here.

just so you know.

we are celebrating.

today is the very day mr cowboy

ended things

one year ago,

as i described it then,

that was a day that

my life turned upside down.

a breakupversary!  ha!!!

we can call that word an AN – ism.

i am so over the break up. him.

so to speak.

just not over.

the lack of completion around it all.

no closure.

ownership.

chalk it up i guess to those times in your life where someone is simply passing you by.

there is a sameness to my life sometimes

i will have to replicate this series here in my country studio.

keep that sameness thing going.

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