The Other Side Of Fetal

every time i get closer to something hopeful and positive …i can taste it.

and then something knocks it flat and i emotionally deflate

i want to be, go, and get fetal.

rebound sometimes takes me awhile.

i just get stuck. overwhelmed

i feel like the zone for shit just keeps shitting.

when i pulled these

i am reminded of the other side of fetal

where my personal strength is restored and i have access to my own skin again

pun intended.

this holding pattern

this not completely breathing tension thing

just gets so old.

the cusp, the shift, the light, the breath has to be just around the corner.

yes??

promise me that my energies will find a forward path please.

i have had patron of gasoline cash lately that has HELPED immensely.

these taken a year ago.

feel.

look.

taste

like.

me.

not feeling it right now.

 

Surreal

i spiraled. i admit it. i got very lost in self pity and the trouble i have found myself in. i had days go by that i am not sure how i got through them. i mean it. days. i have spent hours researching my rights with an attorney, i’ve had a virus on my mac, i have looked at places to live that included cockroach infestation and hoarding unlike anything i have ever seen. frightening. and mortifying. i have packed my things with nowhere to go. i am finding mice nests in my belongings. boxes that had been stored in my closet. i trapped my 38th mouse. i have had people send me gas money – enough to make that part of my life no longer feel like a worry – a tremendous help and relief, and people are buying my art, many are sending me love and encouragement. that is so darn cool.

one of the biggest no – no’s as a blogger is to whine about not posting. true – it’s been awhile, and i get emails that ask “where are you – i miss your postings.” which i have to tell you is a very gentle wonderful reminder of why i am here in the first place – because of you.

thank you.

there is this man that walks along the highway here. he and his german shepard. i keep asking the universe if this is some test or something – i mean really, why on this highway, why where i travel on a regular basis – what am i supposed to glean from seeing them  — they are such a reminder of me cowboy and his dog.

when we lived together – he had less time for me. how is that even possible???

i find this photograph really says it all.

surreal

Panty Sales Update

a year ago, i sold this pair of panties.

i love the sheer of them.

and i remember this day.

wearing them.

and playing with myself while wearing them.

I thought perhaps i had a little cottage industry going.

which truth be even a year later would be very handy financially.

THINGS are NOT going well on the AN home front at all.

I have had many inquiry this past year for panty sales

and, i unfortunately have had false starts re: payment.

which ended up in no sales.

no little underground panty enterprise

so, there ya have it.

i will say the person who bought this pair?

was one very happy panty lover.

and for that.

i am glad.

so there you have it

a panty sales update.

i have since updated my sales pitch.

it’s my way, my terms, or nothing.

supposed funds are expected from one interested party.

but the funds have not arrived after some time now.

ugh. i hate that.

I still have plenty of panties.

sigh.

Blah

ever have the realization that much about how you go through your day to day, year to year, your life to life existence is very very much the same? that same green chair, that same mr wand, that same belly button? even down to a quick perusal of april dinners gone by? 2 years ago i got all excited about a head of bok choy?? i was making the same dinner. finding joy in it all somehow. my four walls are closing in on me. there was an art walk a good driving distance away today. i asked several folks to go with me and they had other plans. which is fair. but as today went by, i guess their no really bummed me out. i didn’t have the gasoline chops to do it on my own. although i am trying to let go of that budget rigor a bit and do vs be careful.i feel tired and rather uninspired at the moment. good things are going on, and then overwhelming things are going on. i feel so tired from the saga of things that maybe that’s sucking the life out of the good.

More Than Courage

for about 90 days I took on the gumption of letting my facial hair grow.  at the end of that time period, i was clearly a very bearded and mustached lady. the beard reached an inch in length. mostly white. some threads of black and brown. it was pretty damn impressive.

i was on that courageous journey on my own. i say that because there is really noone in my life that has my back. not 100%. sure i have friends, patient, kind and loyal near me, and here virtually and I love all of you so much, but i don’t have someone full out in the trenches. when a person strikes an admirable and brave stance all sorts of things happen. i wrote about this earlier – if i said hey i am taking on this experiment, folks had immediate opinions. most not supportive. if i said nothing, and appeared as i was – people were polite, they said nothing. interesting don’t you think?

no matter where I was the feeling of people really really looking at me intensified.  it may surprise you, but i am fairly introverted. there are times when i prefer to blend in with a crowd. as a woman with defined facial hair – that was impossible. I found after awhile I felt beaten with the stares of others. and in times of stress – especially as they occurred this recent month of march …I wanted to go fetal. that last sentence says it all – that is what it felt like.  it’s a shame that a person of any difference – super tall, short, fat, of color, or not of…has to feel an attention upon themselves that questions their confidence.  or mortifies them, but this is a truth not only for me – but for so many in our society. I tackled this before when I let the hair on my legs, and armpits grow.  i was at a very different place in my life.  stronger emotionally perhaps? i felt triumphant about it, I have never felt the compulsion to shave it.

i liked the hair on my face. i liked the way it felt. a lot. i loved loved loved not shaving. i loved how it looked – sortof, that being different look, in reality i am prettier without it and thats just my take on it. i don’t think i would feel the need for pretty if someone was in my day to day adoring me accordingly. and i feel bad that i had not a single opportunity to have the feeling of being kissed with hair on my face. no one approached my publicaly and said – i love what you are doing. if that had happened – what a difference it would have made.

when i had to ask for help and call the sheriff. i felt the hair on my face would be judged, considering the entirety of the circumstance,  I decided that being without it was in my best interest.  it was a really good call on my part.  since.  I have not felt the desire to grow it again. partly because the stress in my life hasn’t lightened up.

my alone in it all feels less alone shaved. i don’t know how else to explain it.

i do want to thank the emphatic encouragement and affection from the few of you here. you know who you are.  if you were championing me in person, in my day to day life my world would be a different one.  it isn’t.

the other detail that struck me along this experiment was how identifying my facial hair was. in the spirit of my anonymousness ( ha – love that word! )  I am not ready to be that defined virtually.  Perhaps I am fooling myself that I am here incognito at all. bearded ladies are rather famous. this one takes way more than just courage

 

A How To

i was trying to explain to someone how i take a self capture of myself.

i mean the images are seriously random happy accidents.

over and over.

i am never looking through the lens

so, it’s what ever is found

thanks to where i place my camera

the light.

the sequence of what i might be doing.

and the timer.

3 pics taken each set.

sometimes it’s nice if there is someone who is interested in me

to share them with.

i mean i can always share them here

but the person to person

interest

makes it.

lovely.

doesn’t happen very often.

i have yet to really find someone

in my day to day life

or love life

who

quite gets

this layer of

self expression.

in this particular set there was a piece of wood over a bucket because i had just washed the floor.

the camera was sitting on that piece of wood.

sun was coming through that wonderful window

the broom is leaning there against the door

i was wearing this indispensable fluffy robe.

i say indispensable

because it’s the perfect crawl out of bed something to wrap myself cozy in until i get to the task of getting dressed.

here, it’s cold in the morning in my apt.