so. first of all.
we’ve been through a variety of my shit together.
one thing or another. i’ll get through this layer just like i’ve gotten to the other side of other layers, but in this particular moment.
i need a hug the size of argentina
there is noone here in my physical realm to give me one.
my car needs repairs. …
we all knew betty blue doom was pending.
old soul that she is.
but here it is for real now.
car repairs aren’t ever fun.
power steering stuff
other old car things
the status report made me feel like i got an F on my report card
the initial estimate was many more times than my current cash stash.
given that i have 6 more days left to the worst income month this year
let’s just say the details of this are overwhelming me.
the good news is when i got here to the country studio
6 months ago.
( do you believe that??)
i looked for a mechanic, an independent …right away searched for, and i was referred to one.
lets hope he’s my guy.
my car mechanic guy.
me thinks a car guy in my hip pocket is a good thing.
this last thursday i was diagnosed with glaucoma
glaucoma is a disease sometimes referred to as ocular hypertension
it is genetic/ family history plays a huge role.
i was unaware of my strong family disposition.
only 3% of the population has this disease.
pressure in the eye damages the optic nerve
in normal well eye care glaucoma is supposedly part of the routine
seemingly in the well care i have had
they never noticed it.
if they had.
then damage could have been prevented.
that said, damage in my left eye in particular
there’s a word eh??
here is another great word.
my central vision is not harmed
but my peripheral vision is trashed
my father has gone blind.
i am now doing drops that will help the pressure
and hopefully prevent any further damage.
since mr cowboy
i have been trying to manage well care
decline in my ability to see up close
moving to another county complicated things
and him dumping me further complicated it all.
my need for a new scrip was on the to do list
in high priority actually.
getting an appointment took months
new insurance. new state.
here i am.
time gone by
damaging my eyes along the way.
a really good friend of mine from HS disappeared from my life
she used the word despair.
i think of her
when my overwhelm gets to be too much
i am today in over my head.
i know enough to give me
the space it needs to
if this happened all the time
this feeling of being so overwhelmed
but it doesn’t.
i did cry this morning when i went 20 miles for the second time to send a fax and it wouldn’t go through. yup. cried. in front of a perfect stranger. that was house stuff business. unresolved. still
if you feel like helping
buy some panties
or buy a nude print of one of my photographs
contribute if the mood strikes you.
won’t be the first time
i’ve asked for help.
just glad that i have a place to sound out my stuff.